By Tracy G. Cassels
Yesterday I came across this article written by a father against breastfeeding. And I got pissed off because it was just so, so wrong. But when you say an article like that pisses you off, you get lots of women who supplement or use formula getting upset because they perceive it as a slight to them. You have insulted them and their choices. Or you’ve made them feel guilty for “failing”. So let me (briefly) explain more fully why I get so angry…
- Articles like this make breastfeeding seem like an ideal that is unattainable by most people. Perhaps the “breast is best” motto isn’t great for this either, but the fact remains that breastfeeding isn’t an “ideal”, it’s what your baby was biologically designed to eat. It’s NORMAL. When he tries to make the analogy that it’s akin to frozen chicken fingers versus real chicken, he clearly states his absolute ignorance on the issue. Formula isn’t a form of breastmilk that’s been degraded, it’s something totally different. A better analogy would be feeding your child fortified jello instead of fruit.
- Treating breastfeeding as something unattainable is also insulting to women everywhere because it assumes we are far less competent than our foremothers who had no formula to supplement with. Yes, we have different problems today that can impede a woman’s ability to breastfeed right off the bat (including birth interventions, early returns to work, etc.) but the fact is that the NORMAL course of things for a new mom is to figure out how to breastfeed her child. It takes time, effort, and help. But it’s what moms have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years and to treat the current crop of women as being incapable is insulting.
- This father talks about the tears and feelings of failure. He mentions some of the problems his wife encountered off-hand and speaks of them as if they are impossible to overcome. But here’s the thing, breastfeeding being hard is NORMAL. Most women encounter problems of one sort or another and have to continue to work hard to make breastfeeding work, but when they do it’s immensely worthwhile for both them and babe. The problem is that if you think it’s supposed to be a walk in the park then of course you feel like a failure if you don’t succeed on your own. But if you realize it’s like running a marathon, then you can see that you need lots of practice and that it can take lots of time to get to a stage where you can do it comfortably (and yet even then it will still be work sometimes). You don’t quit as early as you might otherwise. You are better able to see that there will be hurdles you’ll face and they can at times seem insurmountable. But in the end, it’s worth it when you cross that finish line and can see the work you did. However, pieces like this write as if breastfeeding should come easily to everyone and thus when it doesn’t, the only option is to turn to formula. And that’s wrong.
- Probably the biggest problem I have is that this piece and ones like it ignore the real problem of a lack of support that is rampant in our society. Yes, this particular mother went to an LC (Once? Twice? We don’t know), but one thing we all know is that all LCs aren’t created equal and like doctors, often a woman needs to “shop around” to find an LC that understands her current situation and can find a solution that works for everyone. But not only do women need support from those who can diagnose any problems and are well-versed and educated about problems, but they need support from other women who have been there, and most of all from their partner. Historically, it was completely NORMAL for women to have other women around who could help them navigate the muddy waters of breastfeeding. It sounds like this particular mother lacked that kind of support – both in and out of the home – and that’s what we need to be working on instead of pushing formula to moms who, like this one, want to breastfeed.
- But then to top it all off, we get the usual rhetoric about how formula helps the family as a whole. Ugh. Let’s be frank here people, having a child changes your relationship and the family dynamic. You enter a new NORMAL, but normal it is. Yes, babies are more dependent on their mothers for the first months of life – that’s NORMAL. Yes, you will get less sleep than you used to (though if you co-sleep the sleep deprivation tends to be less than those who have to actually get up and out and get a baby fed), but that’s NORMAL (and for babies who eat more frequently, prepping a bottle can actually mean less sleep than breastfeeding which is readily available on tap at anytime, no preparation necessary). Yes, you may not get to go away for a weekend, but guess what? Your child needs more than just food from a parent and thus staying close to babe for the first while is NORMAL, in fact it’s what your baby expects of you. Yes, you may not bond with your child over food, but fathers throughout the history of humankind haven’t bonded with their babies over food, they bond using other methods that are totally NORMAL (try baby wearing, baby massage, bath time, reading, singing, just sitting and cuddling skin-to-skin, to name a few). Giving your child an inferior food that puts them at greater risk for various diseases for these reasons is plain selfish. There are good reasons women don’t breastfeed, but these are not them. At all.
The formula industry has a great enough hold over doctors, the media, politicians, etc. that we don’t need to add parents to the list of people doing their job of advertising for them. What we need is to make breastfeeding NORMAL again, because it is what infants expect. And for women who can’t or won’t breastfeed from the breast, we need alternatives like milk banks and peer-to-peer milk sharing to be more NORMAL than formula. And we need to stop seeing breastfeeding as something only certain special people can do, and instead see it as the biologically NORMAL act that it is. An act that requires work and support, but that’s NORMAL too. So no, I don’t get pissed off at women who use formula and in fact don’t even think about them as having done something wrong. These articles piss me off because they are an attack against what is NORMAL in favour of profit for corporations and CEOs who don’t really care about what’s best for babies at all. And I have to ask: How can one not be pissed off by that?
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ann
Agreed! I saw this article & commented about it on another site…It’s just a whiny spiel of self-justification. Not that I lack sympathy for them, but plenty of new mothers go through difficulties with breastfeeding and manage to persevere. We don’t hear about their sleeping arrangements, but it is probable that co-sleeping was not practiced and might have helped if it was implemented. The assumption that formula is equivalent to human milk is never challenged; indeed, it’s trumpeted as truth. Ridiculous, inaccurate analogies are made (the chicken fingers vs. fresh chicken one you mentioned, among others). While I deplore the complete lack of societal support that would facilitate nursing and more ideal parenting in general, I still think the article does a disservice to the women who DO make things work, and reinforces the prevailing ideology that breastfeeding or not is just another little lifestyle choice.
Helen
This is slightly off-topic in that I haven’t read the other article, but I wanted to say thank you. Reason number 3 hit home with me today… I have a week and a half old baby on my lap, and our adventure in breastfeeding as just begun. Number 3 was exactly what I needed to read to find my resolve again and keep going, after a very, very long night. So, again, thank you! Here’s to society coming to their senses on what is and is not normal and healthy for babies.
Tracy
I’m so glad it could help! So many women believe it should be easy and it’s not! Only a select few find it that way. Most women work and work HARD to get their breastfeeding relationship going. Kudos to you for continuing on
I’m sure there will be many more days where you need to find that resolve again and i really hope that you have the support in place to keep finding it over and over again!
Drew
That’s funny, because the ONLY thing I ever heard from the lactation consultants and the LLL “helpers” was how easy and convenient breastfeeding is. Maybe when the people who are supposed to be the main support network for new mothers can get their act together and get their story straight, their information will be better received.
Tracy
That’s very contrary to a lot of what I’ve heard from other women, but I’m so sorry that was your experience! Convenient – yes, but easy – no. I wonder if they were referring to ease of feeding relative to bottles as in no prepping, clean up, storage, etc.?
Katie
There is a time when it all gets easier. Your milk supply is well established, babies begin to practically attach themselves and their behaviour becomes a little bit more predictable and settled.. That is when it becomes so much easier. For me it was between 6 and 12 weeks, earlier with each baby.
Drew
I’ve delivered at (soon to be) four different hospitals now, and I’ve heard the same line from over seventeen lactation consultants,,,,not to mention the brochures handed out that come directly from LLL sources at the hospitals. All of these sources tout bf’ing as being the easier method…and obviously, it is not.
Tracy
As I said, I think they may be referring to ease of use once established. Because I think it definitely is easier than prepping and preparing and storing bottles as you have your boobs right there. However, it definitely requires some work to start out
Drew
Exactly! It is MUCH harder than using formula…and I think the lactation world is against informing women of that truth because they don’t want to dissuade women from bf’ing. I, for one, don’t see the point in putting myself and my family through that struggle for the minimal benefits breastfeeding might provide. My time spent breastfeeding was absolute hell. I will def be breastfeeding again, but also supplementing w/ formula so that I can get adequate rest, be there for my other children, and give my husband time to bond w/ the baby. It is his child, too…and he needs to be responsible for baby’s care, as well…
Tracy
Drew – I don’t believe it’s much harder than using formula – just that, like anything, it takes some getting used to and women may encounter problems to start. In fact, I do agree that in the long run, it’s much easier. But our society is so used to things being quick that formula seems easier in that regard.
However, breastfeeding definitely confers benefits – particularly health benefits – and in that realm alone, more women should consider it. I’m sorry you had such a horrible time though. Typically with proper support most women end up enjoying the experience, even if it was rocky to begin with. But I’m happy to hear that despite such a bad time you’re willing to do it again, even if not exclusively.
I must reiterate (as I said it in the article) that I disagree that feeding is a necessary way for hubby to be responsible for baby and bond. For human history it’s not how fathers have bonded or been responsible – it’s a very recent invention to do with formula and dads don’t seem to be more involved than their forefathers.
Asrai
Thanks for this great post. Incongruous that the ad in the top right is for H*** follow on milk !
Tracy
I’ll have to check into the ad – we do google ads, but are not supposed to have any formula or even baby food ads appearing. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!!
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Drew
Oh, I totally agree that the father doesn’t NEED to feed the baby to adequately bond. I definitely don’t think it hurts though, either. A lot of my struggles centered around the fact that I have one boob. I had one child that nursed just fine on one side. One of my other children was a tube fed NICU baby, and the other required more food than one breast could provide without me killing myself at the pump in order to keep a supply going. I met with lactation consultant after lactation consultant…doctors, LLL “experts”, etc. I speak from a great deal of experience when I say that some of these women are pushy to the point that I would darn near consider it assault, harrassment, etc. You would not believe some of the heartless things these people can say in order to promote the breastfeeding agenda. I totally agree with you that “proper” support makes all the difference. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women with a pro-breastfeeding agenda take this to mean that they can use extreme pressure and guilt techniques to keep women at it. I have talked w/ many other women who have been through similar situations, so I know I’m not alone in saying that this method has the opposite effect on women. I can totally sympathize w/ the author of the “father’s perspective” article, because I understand that there are so many consultants w/ this “all or nothing” and “formula is the devil” attitude that really don’t know when to stop and say, “You know what? You seem really stressed and upset. Why don’t we let dad take over a feeding while you get some rest” or something of that sort. I really think that until you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to understand where someone might be coming from…
Tracy
Drew, I definitely agree about it being case-by-case and that we need LCs to work with a particular family and THEIR needs – one of the reasons I hope to actually train as an LC after I finish my PhD. One thing that I still have a problem with is the idea that formula is akin to breastmilk and thus we don’t see any push to make donor milk more available to women who need that break. There’s nothing wrong with not being able to exclusively breastfeed your child! But in giving moms (and dads) the break, shouldn’t we also try to make sure babies get what’s biologically normal? I feel that if we had a proper system that allowed women to do milk donations like blood donations, we would have enough milk such that many (though probably not all) of the moms who can’t/don’t breastfeed would have another alternative outside of formula. That’s my big problem and why articles that tout formula as great get in the way of that becoming normal.
Lisa C
Every article that attacks breastfeeding really bothers me. As you said, breastfeeding isn’t an unattainable ideal, but is IS biologically normal. The body of an infant EXPECTS and NEEDS breastmilk. It may not be the best “method” for each family, but it IS the best FOOD, generally speaking, for infants. It’s like attacking people for getting pregnant by having sex. Sure, not everyone can have a baby the natural way, but that doesn’t mean we should attack what is biologically normal! Or perhaps more similar, it’s like saying women are dumb for having natural birth instead of having epidurals or c-sections. Which, amazingly, some people do say.
Learning to breastfeed is so so hard for many moms and babies. I wish I had been given a heads up on that before I had my baby! I thought I was going to fail at breastfeeding because a week or two into it, we were still doing dismally. I thought that if you didn’t get it right away, it wasn’t going to work. Thank goodness my friend told me it took her daughter a whole month to latch on. I realized that there was still hope for me. It actually took us a few months to get the hang of it, but it was so totally worth all the struggle. People need to know this stuff. And SO TRUE about LCs.
Now if parents want to give up on breastfeeding because it’s making their lives miserable, that’s totally their prerogative, and no one should be guilting them. Man, if I could list all the things I’ve done as a parent that are less than ideal… Let’s face it, we are all good at some things, and not so good at others. And it’s okay!! The way we feed our children is only ONE aspect of parenting. You’ve only failed if you stop caring for your child. I wonder if postpartum depression may be a bigger problem here than breastfeeding difficulties. Perhaps PPD is the bigger cause of guilt than breastfeeding failure or pressure from others.
We need to be real about breastfeeding. Yes, it’s usually really hard in the beginning. Sometimes it’s hard the whole time. But most women find it to be worth it. Yes, it’s usually the best food for babies, but the most important thing is that you feed your baby with love, even if it’s not from the breast. Yes, there are “benefits” to formula, but let’s be aware of who is getting the benefits from it–the baby, or the parents? (Differs in every situation!) It’s so great that dads can bond with their baby over a bottle, and if you are already going to formula feed then a great way to look at it, but to choose formula over breastfeeding for it? Because there are a million ways to bond. And because you can always pump a bottle of breastmilk.
Sometimes I wonder if the people who write these articles really think breastfeeding is so horrible, or if they are really just trying to make themselves feel better for their decision because they had felt so much pressure to breastfeed. No one should feel bad for formula feeding if they think it was best for their baby or family as a whole. But no one should be made to feel bad or stupid for breastfeeding, either! I mean, this guy really seems to think that we mothers who worked so hard to breastfeed are just stupid rainbow chasers, and we are NOT.
As parents we need to educate ourselves and make informed choices for our children. Kids don’t need perfect parents, they need parents who love and care for them and do their best. Unfortunately, also, as parents we need to develop thick skin when it comes to judgments of others.
Unfortunately, articles like the one written by this dad will turn off some families to breastfeeding that might have had a lot of success with it. The reason there is so much conversation about breastfeeding being best is not to guilt parents who don’t do it. It is because formula feeding is so easy, and viewed as the norm. We gotta make some noise about it if more babies are to reap the benefits of being fed a proper, biologically normal diet. It’s for the babies! It can, of course, be done a bit better….
Tracy
Beautifully put – thank you!
Isabel
Of course breastfeeding isn’t easy! I was 18 when i got preggo, yes a very young age….it never crossed my mind that i could formula feed instead of breastfeed….it was hard like hell at first, but month after month it just got easier, and we did it for 3 yrs!, the second time around i didn’t have to think twice about what i was going to feed my son, but this time i had a c section, it took a little bit for my milk to come in, but i knew what i had to do so my milk would come in, we only bfed for 2 years, the third time came again! another c section and masitis! which was horrible! but we pulled thur and still feed him!
lcd2
Reading articles like the one you’ve mentioned really made me realize how much of an important role my own husband had in my decision to continue breastfeeding after 8 weeks of bleeding nipples, latching issues, double mastitis and a son who was so frantic when he ate, it was like he was never getting enough. After a particularly long night I broke down and told my husband to go and either get me a double pump or formula because I was so done. He got the pump and, after about 2 weeks of both nursing and bottle feeding pumped milk, my son and I finally figured everything out and I breast fed him until past a year. If my husband was like the one in the article, he might have bought formula and I would have definitely never had the experience I had with my son and then also with my daughter, who I am still breastfeeding at 16 months. It really hits home how much support we need around things like this in the early days. I agree with you that we need to find a way to get this support to women who are struggling. Like Drew, I saw so many LC’s and none of them were particularly helpful.
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Tiffany
I wouldn’t even say that “most” women have problems breastfeeding, or if they do, they’re not what I’d call major problems – it’s more like sore nipples, trouble getting a good latch at the beginning, doctors/nurses who don’t know anything about breastfeeding (probably the biggest problem!). I was reflecting recently that in my community of moms, almost everyone breastfeeds, and almost everyone does it for over a year, and – even more interestingly – almost everyone does it without significant problems. Having a support network and seeing how others breastfeed is HUGE when it comes to that. The more women who breastfeed, the easier it will be for everyone else, and that’s a pretty good reason to try, in my opinion.
Mia
What we need is to make breastfeeding NORMAL again, because it is what infants expect. And for women who can’t or won’t breastfeed from the breast, we need alternatives like milk banks and peer-to-peer milk sharing to be more NORMAL than formula. And we need to stop seeing breastfeeding as something only certain special people can do, and instead see it as the biologically NORMAL act that it is. An act that requires work and support, but that’s NORMAL too.
Exactly! This is so true and just why I am going back to study (after having had two babies) to attain my masters in social research and normalise, soo many mums I have chatted to hold so much regret over what *could* so easily have been different with just a little loving support and better info! xx