By Tracy G. Cassels
Ever tell someone you were dissatisfied with your birth experience? That it left you feeling lost, unhappy, frustrated, or something worse? And then been told that you were selfish because you had a healthy child and all that should ever matter is that your child is healthy and happy, no matter how he or she came into the world? It’s such a common turn of phrase that I imagine many people can empathize. In our society, to care about your birth experience has become selfish and uncaring. We who care are evil and cruel for putting anything even in the same realm as the well-being of our child. But the thing is, it’s because I want my child to be healthy and happy that I care so much about my birth experience. And for those of you who call us selfish, please listen.
At the very core of it, we all want our child to come into this world healthy. But just because a child is born healthy does mean that’s the end of the road. A newborn requires a nurturing, caring mother (and father) to help develop into a happy, healthy infant then toddler then adolescent then adult, and a mother’s birth experience will affect, at the very least, those first steps in this path. To examine this point, let’s start with one of the central acts of a mother – breastfeeding. Sadly it is one of the areas that is consistently affected by the birth experience. Though it has been on the decline in Western society (perhaps because of these birth experiences?), it provides the nourishment a newborn biologically expects to receive and is one of the fastest and easiest ways to promote bonding between mother and infant Negative birth experiences have other effects as well. In one study out of Sweden, it was found that negative birth experiences affected future reproduction[17]. Specifically, the authors found that women who reported traumatic birth experiences 2 months post-partum were significantly less likely to have a second child over the next 8-10 years. In fact, only half of these women had a second child relative to the greater than 80% of women who had a second child who reported a better birth experience. This is most likely explained by research showing that while physical pain during birth recedes in memory as time passes, an overall negative birth experience does not seem to attenuate with time, resulting in a long-term negative memory for birth[18]. In preterm children, it has been found that negative birth experiences are related to mother-child interactions post-birth and child behavioural and emotional problems at ages 5-6 years[19]. In other words, the effects of a negative birth experience don’t end with the birth, they can continue for years and affect the very health and happiness of our children we’re supposed to prioritize over everything else. Given the problems that can stem from a negative birth experience, it should hardly be considered “selfish” to care about how one’s child comes into this world. Thus taking the time to try and ensure a positive birth experience (whether that means a home birth, a water birth in a hospital, a drug-free birth, a necessary c-section, etc.) for oneself is not only not selfish, but is more considerate of one’s child than feeling bad for feeling bad when one does have a negative birth experience. Caregivers need to be highly cognizant of the factors associated with a negative birth experience and work to minimize them on a case-by-case basis. Not all women will have a poor labour because of labour medication, but some will and they are most likely the women who would like to avoid it in the first place. Being respectful of that is key. It is also why it is so important to remember that sometimes things will happen that will lead to a negative birth experience, and as such, when a woman does have a negative birth experience, we should not call her “selfish” for being upset by it, even if her child is born healthy, but rather work to help her handle those feelings so that her child can remain healthy and grow to be a healthy and happy child. Did you have a negative birth experience? How did you handle it? Did you receive criticism for voicing your discontent? [1] Else-Quest NM, Hyde JS, Clark R. Breastfeeding, bonding, and the mother-infant relationship. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly 2003; 249: 495-517. [2] Dewey KG, Nommsen-Rivers LA, Heinig MJ, Cohen RJ. Risk factors for suboptimal infant breastfeeding behavior, delayed onset of lactation, and excess neonatal weight loss. Pediatrics 2003; 112: 607-619. [3] Waldenstrom U. Experience of labor and birth in 1111 women. Journal of Psychosomatic Research 1999; 47: 471-482. [4] Halpern SH, Levine T, Wilson DB, MacDonell J, Katsiris SE, Leighton BL. Effect of labor analgesia on breastfeeding success. Birth 1999; 26: 83-88. [5] Fergerson SS, Jamieson DJ, Lindsay M. Diagnosing postpartum depression: can we do better? American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 2002; 186: 899-902. [6] Dewey KG. Maternal and fetal stress are associated with impaired lactogenesis in humans. The Journal of Nutrition 2001; 131: 3012s-3015s. [7] Righetti-Veltema M, Conne-Perreard E, Bousquet A, Manzano J. Risk factors and predictive signs of postpartum depression. Journal of Affective Disorders 1998; 49: 167-180. [8] Reynolds JL. Post-traumatic stress disorder after childbirth: the phenomenon of traumatic birth. Canadian Medical Association Journal 1997; 156: 831-835. [9] Creedy DK, Shochet IM, Horsfall J. Childbirth and the development of acute trauma symptoms: incidence and contributing factors. Birth 2000; 27: 104-111. [10] Waldenstrom U, Hildingsson I, Rubertsson C, Radestad I. A negative birth experience: prevalence and risk factors in a national sample. Birth 2004; 31: 17-27. [11] Murray L, Fiori-Cowley A, Hooper R, Cooper P. The impact of postnatal depression and associated adversity on early mother-infant interactions and later infant outcome. Child Development 1996; 67: 2512-2526. [12] Grace SL, Evindar A, Steward DE. The effect of postpartum depression on child cognitive development and behavior: A review and critical analysis of the literature. Archives of Women’s Mental Health 2003: 6: 263-274. [13] Murray L, Cooper PJ. Effects of postnatal depression on infant development. Archives of Disease in Childhood 1997; 77: 99-101. [14] Halligan SL, Herbert J, Goodyer I, Murray L. Disturbances in early morning cortisol secretion in association with maternal postnatal depression predict subsequent depressive symptomology in adolescents. Biological Psychiatry 2007; 62: 40-46. [15] Jones NA, Field T, Davalos M. Right frontal EEG asymmetry and lack of empathy in preschool children of depressed mothers. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev 2000; 30: 189-204. [16] Dennis C-L, McQueen K. The relationship between infant-feeding outcomes and postpartum depression: a qualitative systematic review. Pediatrics 2009; 123: e736-e751. [17] Gottvall K, Waldenstrom U. Does a traumatic birth experience have an impact on future reproduction? BJOG: An International Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology 2002; 109: 254-260. [18] Stadlmayr MW, Amsler F, Lemola S, Stein S, Alt M, Burgin D, Surbek D, Bitzer J. Memory of childbirth in the second year: the long-term effect of a negative birth experience and its modulation by the perceived intranatal relationship with caregivers. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology 2006; 27: 211-224. [19] Latva R, Korja R, Salmelin RK, Lehtonen L, Tamminen T. How is maternal recollection of the birth experience related to the behavioral and emotional outcome of preterm infants? Early Human Development 2008; 84: 587-594.
While breastfeeding provides a very specific example of the effects of the birth experience, the more general problem associated with a negative birth experience is to do with postpartum depression. In research on the factors that predict postpartum depression, a negative birth experience and separation from the infant (typically associated with a negative birth experience, such as in an emergency c-section) continue to be major predictors of PPD[7][8][9][10]. In one study, women who experienced high levels of obstetric interventions and who were unhappy with their care during labour were most likely to develop trauma symptoms in line with postpartum depression and trauma[8]. What is the effect of postpartum depression on an infant? Well, infants with mothers who suffer PPD have worse attachment relationships with their infants[11], their children show worse cognitive outcomes later in life[11][12][13], greater behavioural problems [12], and worse emotional development[13]. Not to mention that these children also show greater cortisol reactivity to stressful situations[14] and other neurological abnormalities[15] which can lead to long-term neurological effects. Oh, and while I already mentioned that a negative birth experience can affect breastfeeding directly, it can also do so indirectly via postpartum depression[16].
I tried for a home birth with my third but ended up in an ambulance for an hour, then failed ventouse, then emergency section. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, and not one I’d risk repeating, but I was so lucky I had great health professionals, and i felt involved, and like this was necessary. I do still feel guilty that I didn’t manage to do it myself, but I found it much easier to bond with my big troublesome baby than I had with my marvellous home birth baby before.
I wrote a poem about my first birth experience….one that many women have been able to relate to. I would be happy to send it to you.
I would love to see it! Please do share 🙂 You can post here if you’re willing to share publicly or email to tracy@evolutionaryparenting.com 🙂
I see so many truths in what you wrote, with my life in particular. My 1st was born 10 weeks early after spending 2 weeks in the hospital prior to that because of ruptured membranes related to the fact that my placenta was slowly abrupting. I not only was 17 years old at the time, but also coming from a very supportive labor and delivery nurse/IBCLC for a mom, I knew the risks/dangers of what was happening. I was bleefing the whole time, and feared that I may not wake up if I went to sleep, or if I did wake up I feared losing my baby. It was a very stressful labor/delivery, it took those 2 weeks of contracting for my cervix to change, and then they wouldn’t let me walk around when I was in a more active labor, and pushed pain meds as though no one had ever done this unmedicated before. I did it unmedicated, and for as early as he was, he was quite healthy. Then came the fight to get a breast pump within an hour of delivery, no one supported my wishes to breastfeed, except of course that IBCLC mom of mine who fought and demanding I get that pump, thankfully I did. Although it was over 2 hours before I could go see my baby, and 2 more weeks before he was able to latch, I am proud to say he never had a drop of formula, left the hospital 4 weeks earlier the expected, and breastfed til he weaned himself at 18 months (I would have been happy to contiue). That birth experience I found to be very traumatic, and didn’t have another child for 9 1/2 years because of it. Also, although he is very healthy, we do have some behavior problems that I have ALWAYS associated atleast partially to the cirumstances surrounding his birth.
Even though my daughter’s birth was not nearly as traumatic as my son’s, it still did not go the way I hoped. Ended up with pitocin, still angers me to think of that one, but were threatening c-section, so also ended up with an epidural because they threatened the chance of general anesthesia if I needed an emergency c-section. I had been ruptured for almost 18 hours at that point and her head was not engaged so they weren’t. Hopeful I would do it on my own. Well the epidural didn’t even work, and I was able to push her out in 30 minutes when it was time, just had to push to engage her head. The lack of encouragement was one of the worst parts. When I talk about being sad my babies didn’t come into the world the way I wanted, I do get the gasps and dissaprovi.g looks/comments. Especially about my daughter, shouldn’t I just be happy she was full term? I am more grateful for that then I could ever describe, but it doesn’t mean I can’t wish the labor/birth went a little differently. She did latch right after birth, and she never once left my sight, it was hours after birth before I’d even let them weigh her. I even bathed her myself the next day, boy did that throw them off. Anyway, sorry for the long winded response, but what you wrote really struck home for me. Thank you for taking the time to write what you do!
Melissa, I’m so sorry to hear you ended up with two traumatic experiences! That’s just not right – especially forcing labour drugs. You have every right to have hoped for a different type of delivery and if someone tells you otherwise, tell them to piss off. I hate those comments so much because it’s so ignorant of the entire process – after all, we all want our children to come into this world as peacefully as possible and then to be able to bond with them immediately. That’s not a selfish request, it’s anything but. But I feel that our medicalized society focuses so much on outcomes instead of processes that it’s completely lost on individuals. It’s really quite sad.
Great post I think you covered it well, but one thing I would add, there’s more than just the baby in that delivery room. I completely agree that parents should put their children’s needs above their own, but that doesn’t mean their needs don’t come second, and, more importantly, I think it’s quite impossible to separate ‘best for baby’ from ‘best for mom’ in a healthy dyad (if someone isn’t healthy than sometimes there can be a dicotomy).
So how *can* baby be ‘happy and healthy* if mom’s not? My first birth was traumatic because of an unexpected, and serious health complication with my son. I remember very vividly sitting in my sitz bath about 2 weeks after the birth, still not having been able to hold my babe, and answering the post partum questions the nurse from my insurance was asking via cell. She asked if I was experiencing any depression. I said “my son’s in the NICU just having completed ECMO and I haven’t even held him in my arms yet.” She paused and said “oh, so yes you’re depressed.” I went on to assure her I understood the difference between situational and clinical dedpression and I was dealing well with my depression and not suffering PPD (which I wasn’t). But you know what, my son’s birth was painful, depressing, traumatizing, and has long lasting effects. I hope someday his birthday will be just happy, but right now his (1st three) birthdays have been as much bittersweet memory as celebration. But the professionals at his birth and most of the ones after were supportive, helpful, and grieved with us. His birth was traumatic *despite* the best care availible.
My daughter’s birth, however, was traumatic (although certainly not to the same level) *despite* no health complications and *because of* the jerk medical staff who had no care for the situation at hand. And my daughter was certainly healthier than my son, but a truly healthy start was robbed from her. Robbed by uncaring medical personnel who couldn’t be bothered. 3 plus years later I grieve my son’s birth, (almost) 2 years later I’m still furious over my daughter’s birth. She and I both deserved better! We *both* deserved to be healthy and happy as a solid dyad. It is a lot easier to accept the horror of my first birth because it was, ultimately (primarily) inflicted out of necessity, than it is to accept the minor issues of my second birth because they were inflicted by a checklist of protocols that had no necessity. It’s exactly *when* baby is generally ‘happy and healthy’ that such disatisfactions are so difficult to deal with, because all they are are petty cruelties for no sake.
Sorry for the long post.
No need to apologize! And thank you for adding the bit about the dyad – it’s so true. Mom and baby are so intertwined and yet in the medical establishment, we’re constantly separated. I think when medicine finally realizes that what’s good for mom is generally good for baby (and vice versa), they’ll realize that a different approach to birth is necessary in many cases.
Thank you so much for this, and also your excellent references. So great to bring this issue to light.
Great minds think alike too – this is the Status Update from our Facebook page this Tuesday 31st Jan (without knowing about your article) :
Question :”Everyone keep telling me I should be grateful. I’m healthy and the baby is healthy. . . isn’t that all that matters?”
Birthtalk.org’s Answer : A common response from well-meaning people. But a ‘healthy’ mum also means one who is healthy emotionally. Of COURSE you are grateful for your baby’s safe arrival – that goes without saying. Feeling empty, angry, sad or distressed is a NORMAL response to being in a situation where you felt afraid, powerless or unacknowledged. You may need support to be able to move through this experience so you can let the happiness and love for your child out, and be the best mum you can be. (Birthtalk.org – From our Bad Birth FAQs).
I invite you to check out our blog we created to support women in understanding the issues surrounding Birth Trauma, : the blog is called The Truth About Traumatic Birth – what you need to know on the Healing Journey” http:birthtraumatruths.wordpress.com
We want to congratulate you for getting this topic ‘out there’ into the community 🙂
I needed to see this today, because I’ve been having trouble with coming to terms with my story.
I was induced at 19 weeks after my first baby died, and the whole experience was traumatic. Not a single person, including family, wanted to talk with me about my experience. I understood that they didn’t know how. Then, I became pregnant (surprise!) 6 months later. Everyone was overjoyed and I struggled with the fact that everyone had forgotten I had already been through childbirth- even my doctors refused to admit that being induced at 19 weeks was anything more than “cramping”. The idea of birth terrified me.
My son came early at 33 weeks; the OB cut a 4th degree episiotomy after literally 2 minutes of pushing, pulled him out, then sent him to the nursery. She yanked the placenta out, sutured me, and was out of the room in less than 20 minutes. I didn’t see my baby until the next day, after I was discharged. He had been transferred to a NICU over 45 minutes away without my knowledge, because they told my fiance that he needed to sign the consent forms because I was too “unstable” to understand what was going on.
I hated how everyone told me I should be grateful he was healthy. People do not understand that a NICU is NOT a place for healthy babies. I went through labor 2 times, left the hospital without my baby either time, and only now do I have a somewhat healthy 16 month old boy. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, PPD, and General Anxiety Disorder, yet people tell me I should be grateful. I am grateful for my son- more than I ever thought possible! However, he deserves the best mother that I can be- and I cannot be that mother without being healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. Because of my traumatic experiences, I am not that mother. We’ve decided not to have anymore children because we cannot risk the ramifications of another traumatic birth.
I swear, people don’t use their brains when they think of pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy does not mean a healthy baby, birth does not mean a healthy baby, and even a healthy baby does not mean a healthy mom. When will people start to recognize that mothers are important too? After all, they are in charge of the baby’s care as soon as they leave the hospital.
Lindsay,
I am so so sorry to hear your story. You are so right that your son deserves the best mother you can be and you can’t be that after undergoing your own trauma. People don’t realize you can be thankful on one hand and still have to come to terms with and handle a traumatic experience on the other.
I wish you and your son all the best in your recovery. If you need help processing this, I know of a group – Mothers For Change – that may be able to offer advice. I also know a woman who wants to start a traumatic birth group to help women heal, but I don’t believe she’s begun that. I imagine there are ones out there. If I can help you in any way find these places, I would be happy to.
Tracy
My boy is 7 months old and really healthy. I had him in my arms just after he was born and I was able to breastfeed him without too many problems. I’m grateful and could’t be more happy. But… I still think about what happened during my labour and even if I know I was lucky not to have any complications I still hurt for what happened.
I hoped for natural birth but after 24 hours my water broke I still was no more than 4 cm and they insisted for inducing. I had signed to take full responsablity for waiting the first 24 hours and they told me I had to sign again because the health of my baby was at risk if I refused to go trough with it.
I was tired and confused and had lost faith in me my baby and my body but nobody encouraged me, so I accepeted the pitocin. The pain that arrived just after was unberable and I was scared. A doctor broke my water again to speed up things and that was one of the worst experience in my life. After she was done and left me broke the OB said something like “Sometimes doctors forget they are women too”. From that I understood later that what was done to me was not neccessary nor done in the best way possible. I asked for epidural (it was not a natural birth anymore, so …) . Things became more manageble after that and I got to 10 cm. I was regaining confidence that I was able to give birth to my baby in an active way, I was happily squatting with my boyfriend holding my back and preparing for the final fase with the OB when they told me I had to move on a gynecologic bed because there was meconium in the waters and hospital protocol said I could not give birth squatting. Before I had time to realize what was happening I was down on my back with my legs up and at least 5 people chatting with each other about their business or, worse, about me as if I was not in the room. The head of my baby was engaged but I could’nt really feel when to push (I think the epidural still numbed me) and at the same time I felt an incredible pain. My legs trembled and I was not in control of my body anymore. I knew that we were nearly at the end but I felt it was all wrong and I could’nt do it. They did the Kristeller manouvre on me, and that was worse that anything else.
It didn’t last long, I think maybe an half an hour, and then my baby was born. They patched me up and I walked with my own legs back to my room where I met him.
I now think that all women that gave birth are heros and they really don’t get enough praise for what they go trough.
I also think that who says that what you experienced when your baby was born is not important hasn’t tried it or is lying.
Thanks for this post..
I’m so sorry about your experience. I will never understand the dismissal of a woman’s birthing experience because it is so intricately tied to her entire parenting journey. I hope you have found some peace from your situation and that you are enjoying your time with your baby 🙂
As always a very well written piece… I had an elective c/s due to being breech and overdue. Luckily we had no problems and were able to breastfeed and be skin to skin shortly after. Not having experiencing labour left me feeling sad, empty, and detached. I still don’t think of it as a birth it is more a procedure I had to grieve the loss of a normal birth, and finally have come to the conclusion that the experience has taught me some valuable life lessons and empathy, but I don’t share or talk about it alot b/c most people’s “well meaning” response of “at least you have a healthy baby” leaves me feeling guilty and selfish (even though I know I shouldn’t) I hope that there are some health professionals that read your blog and share it with their colleagues, so that more of them realize how powerful birth is, and how medical interventions may be an everyday and therefore become a somewhat causal part of their job they are life altering for mom (and family). I think that most of them know but they get so caught up in the “work” that they forget and a culture change is what we need to bring this back into family centered perspective.
Michelle,
I’m so sorry you were left feeling that way. It’s so important that a woman’s experience be recognized for it has effects on the relationship post-birth. I do hope you’re feeling better and that you have been able to accept what happened and work to heal.
Tracy
I had a traumatic birth experience and am still trying to figure out how to deal with it. Medication for PPD has helped once I figured out I was dealing with PPD. I have not yet had someone make the “at least you have a healthy baby” comment – in part, probably, because my son was not healthy when he was born 9 weeks early (though he is doing quite well now). And in part because I mostly talk about the trauma with people who get it. Honestly, the comments that hurt me the most are the ones that assume mothers can prevent traumatic births. It’s a bit of a “blame the victim” mentality. And nobody writing blog posts like this seems to truly understand that birth trauma really sometimes cannot be prevented. Sometimes a traumatic birth is the price a mother pays to come out of pregnancy with herself and/or her baby alive. Sometimes a traumatic birth is the unavoidable, unbelievable tragedy of having to go through labor to deliver a baby she knows will never live at all.
I have a medical background and was very well informed, knew what I wanted, knew risks and benefits of every intervention I consented to, and delivered at a mother/baby-friendly hospital with wonderful staff who did their best. There was absolutely nothing I could have done to prevent needing to deliver at 31 weeks for severe preeclampsia. I had no risk factors other than first pregnancy. The only thing I could have done to prevent my crash c-section would have been to ask for a c-section earlier that day, which of course I didn’t want (and neither did the OBs). There’s no way I would have chosen to do a c-section before induction, even though I know inductions often fail. I needed to give my son and myself the opportunity for a vaginal delivery.
So yes, it is important for pregnant women to educate themselves about the labor & delivery process and to advocate for themselves and their babies. But it is NOT always possible to prevent a traumatic experience. It is NOT always possible to prevent a c-section. I am tired of reading about how women’s birth trauma is their fault for being uninformed and not advocating for themselves. Birth trauma is sometimes the fault of an obstetric system that overmedicalizes low-risk births. And that is a big problem, and one that pregnant women need to be aware of. But birth trauma is also sometimes the fault of nobody at all. Some births are traumatic by default. Mothers of premature, sick, and stillborn babies will usually have traumatic births even at the best hospitals with the most caring and informative staff.
Allison, I said this in the article:
It is also why it is so important to remember that sometimes things will happen that will lead to a negative birth experience, and as such, when a woman does have a negative birth experience, we should not call her “selfish” for being upset by it, even if her child is born healthy, but rather work to help her handle those feelings so that her child can remain healthy and grow to be a healthy and happy child.
Which I hoped covered your concern about things happening. I really feel like you’re reading something into this piece that isn’t there at all. There is no blaming a mother for not planning well enough – in fact, it’s all about the things that often happen despite planning. Does that make sense?
Tracy
I see what you are saying. However, the line about “taking the time to try and ensure a positive birth experience” still rubs me the wrong way in an article that is otherwise about the importance of dealing with birth trauma. To me, it says that the best way to deal with birth trauma is to prevent it – which is true on a societal level but is not helpful for a woman who is already dealing with it. I will admit that my anger about rhetoric on this subject is compounded by previous discussions I’ve seen on the forum you created and is not entirely about this specific piece.
I’m very sorry you felt that way as that has never been the intention of the pieces or discussions. Rather, the focus is trying to make people aware of the consequences so that we can all work to help any mother overcome whatever trauma she encounters during birth and to help women be aware of their options (pre and post birth).
My sons birth was very traumatic. I was told I had no choice but to be induced due to pre-eclampsia. Then things got difficult and Ventouse were used. He was 10lb 6, the epidural didn’t work so it was very painful and the general feeling of panic was terrible. I believe him being forced out that way is partly what caused severe SPD during my second pregnancy (8yrs later). Also having been sexually abused as a child I was already at higher risk of a negative experience.
I had an elective c/s with our second baby 8yrs 2m later, and although this was much, much better than the first birth experience, I’m having my tubes tied next week.
My son is currently going through behavioural difficulties and the whole situation is awful. Nobody seems to understand why I feel guilty for his problems, and nobody seems to have connected 2+yrs of depression, anxiety and PTSD symptoms with him displaying unusually difficult behaviour. I feel responsible for his problems, I also feel let down by the whole medical staff. While I am grateful I have an easy bond with my second baby, I’m so scared of losing it. I’m so scared of losing both my bonds to them. And now it’s been so long, the local mental health stuff is harder to access and nobody will listen when I explain what I need.
Anon,
I am incredibly sorry and sad to hear this story. As much as I want to say, “Don’t feel responsible!” I know I would feel the same way – regardless of the accuracy of the statement. I can only say I wish you’d had the support you needed post-birth the first time (though I’m very happy your second experience was good).
I will add that I think it’s never too late to work on our relationships with our children. I bet your first child does pick up on your feelings of guilt and anger about the birth and may be part of the acting out. Bonding can be easy and it can be hard. I hope you can find a way to get some support for you so that you can focus on rebuilding the bond with your eldest. You do, however, need to realize that you have to let go of the guilt in order to move forward in your relationship with him. If you can’t do that you will struggle even more 🙁
Big hugs and feel free to email privately if you have any questions!
xxx
Tracy
My negative birthing experience aside, I have some unsolicited advice for you in particular with your boy! Not sure how old he is, but I’ve been going through behavioural issues with my 3.5 year old son too, for many of the same reasons. Try a week of “clean eating” and see if you see a change in him! Dyes are a big no no in our house now, and they are in everything! I sometimes feel like a complete wacko for mentioning it, but if I can help even a couple people, to enjoy their children more, by simply changing food, then I’m going to keep commenting 😉 Check breads, cheese (tartrazine is yellow dye ) and just try it long enough to let him get it out of his system, then see if you see him calm down a bit, longer attention, won’t “jerk away” etc. You obviously care about him, and you can keep your bond! Its not always easy, as I fully know, but a little thing like diet can make an unbelievably huge difference! And now I can tell when he’s eaten something with dyes, I barely recognize my own boy!
I said to knot her half only yesterday I wish people would stop telling telling me I’m wrong and so long as baby is healthy it doesn’t matter. It matters to me!
He says he doesn’t do that and I reminded him of how he constantly tells me how many people would like to be in our situation. He doesn’t get that’s just another way of saying the same thing.
It goes without saying a healthy baby is the main thing and I’d be cut open a million times over to achieve that but I can also try to ensure it doesn’t happen again, I can be terrified of major abdominal surgery, I can pray to god, hope my body does what’s needed and beg powers unknown to get me a natural birth. Horrible to go into potentially another section and feel so isolated and scared.
I find it difficult to understand why others dont understand you can feel all these things yet still put bub first. I sometimes think it’s selfishness that others don’t want to think about what birth really is to the individual.
Sorry – old article to be commenting on but the title just reminded me of my experiences during my first pregnancy. I found out my child had serious heart complications and probable genetic issues. I dealt with this quite quickly and easily thankfully. People who knew me well we’re told but I didn’t tend to broadcast it during the pregnancy because I didn’t want other people to be unsure of how to talk about it with me. We didn’t find out the babies sex so always answered the boy/girl question saying that we hadn’t found out to which the response was almost always – well, as long as they’re happy and healthy…….. I found this one of the most weirdly difficult things to deal with. Knowing that my child wasn’t going to be healthy yet this line made me feel somehow that I was letting this baby down already as these were the only two fundamentally essential things for a baby and we had failed on one. I didn’t blame anyone for saying it and I’m sure I’ve said it to others even since the pregnancy (a gorgeous 4 year old boy who had heart surgery at 5 months and has 22q11 deletion syndrome but thankfully is definitely happy!). It’s just funny how the title brought those memories back.
I’ve only just found your blog and am working through the articles but they are really thought provoking – thanks.
I had an emergency section. I didn’t find that so bad but the aftermath that was traumatising. I was in a foreign hospital in Eastern Europe where homebirth doesn’t exist. Everything, including the doctors and nurses, seemed like it belonged in 1955. I was terrified and alone. I had panic attacks where I would just lie there and shake. I was too wired to sleep, I slept a total of 10 hours in 5 days.
Now it’s 18 months later and I have a lovely boy. But I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a terrible mother, my marriage is in shambles, I can’t make decisions. I breastfeed but I hate it. Above all I’m so disappointed. We tried 6 years for this babe and now I can’t face thinking about having another.
I think there are probably far more repercussions for these ‘routine interventions’ than are recognised. No one knows how I felt in the hospital or feel now, I hide it well, but I’m slowly falling apart. Funnily enough the most comon comment I got was ‘lucky you, you got a cesarean and everything turned out well.’ Oh and ‘Well I guess your bikini-wearing days are over’ from my mother.