By Tracy G. Cassels
Lately I’ve spent a fair amount of time out and about with my daughter. But with visiting public places comes the problem of hearing things parents say to their children that I’d much rather not hear. And most of the time it pertains to children who are crying. Somehow parents these days (or in our culture) seem to believe children shouldn’t cry. Or that crying should be reserved for really huge things. Like maybe death. Or the cancellation of Firefly. Otherwise, many parents seem to think it’s just not something you do.
My experiences led to my husband and I discussing things we’ve heard either while out as parents or as kids and I thought I’d share them here with my own take as to why they are not things I plan on ever saying to my daughter and why I hope you won’t either.
“That’s nothing worth crying over!”
I realize parents saying this are probably trying to calm their child down, but somehow that doesn’t seem like the right way to do it. First, you’re telling your child that whatever has them upset is nothing. Any time I’ve been told that as an adult, I feel defensive because it doesn’t feel like nothing. If it felt like nothing, I wouldn’t be crying, would I? And I should add that I’m a crier, especially over sports. It’s bad, but when my Sens get knocked out of the playoffs, it doesn’t matter how prepared I am for it or how much they deserved it, I cry. And I do realize in hindsight that it’s “nothing” – my overall well-being has very little to do with the Sens winning the Stanley Cup (in fact, as I would probably celebrate with copious amounts of booze, it’s probably better for my health that they not win), but it feels like hell when it happens. And when I see a child who’s crying because he fell, or because someone took her ball or shovel or pail, I imagine that those are far better reasons to cry than my own. Especially for one so young.
In a similar vein, I sometimes here “That doesn’t hurt” when it’s a child that’s fallen. Really? You know this how? Even if you are 100% certain there’s no physical pain involved, sometimes there’s also the whole psychological aspect of falling, or anticipation of pain that comes into play. Children (and adults) cry when we get embarrassed, which can happen when you’re playing with friends and you’re the one that falls during the game of tag. Or you have to face something that you truly, honestly believe will hurt (hello, dentist!) and so you cry in anticipation. Perhaps the physical pain isn’t there, but you can bet that psychological pain is there and at the forefront of that child’s mind.
“Big boys/girls don’t cry.”
I spent years working at an after-school care program and heard this far too many times from both parents and teachers. I’m not quite sure when we, as a society, decided that only younger individuals are allowed to cry and that being able to repress your emotions is a mature thing to do. I realize it’s definitely something we do as adults, much to our detriment, but I would hope we’d realize it’s a mistake and try to allow our children to express the things we don’t and that eat away at us. I mean, do I want my daughter to be as repressed as I was for years? Never expressing anything until it would manifest physically? No thank you. One of the joys I’ve experienced in recent years (thanks to my darling husband) is the ability to cry over anything and express everything in a safe environment. Even when I’m being irrational, he lets me let it out and then I know enough to say sorry or explain where the crazy came from. I want my daughter to feel the same – that no matter what it is, she can express it to us and we’ll support her.
The other problem with this one is that it puts a negative spin on crying and being a baby. Yes, crying can suck to listen to, but it’s important we don’t dismiss it as something “bad”. It’s a form of communication for young infants that deserves respect. It’s also a form of communication for children, teenagers, and even us adults. And with this negativity comes an implicit negativity about being a baby and that’s also very unfair. Babies rock. Unfortunately society has taken to the view that they are intentionally manipulative, difficult, and interfering with our lives. Not true. So let’s not put them down, even indirectly.
“Only sissies cry.”
(Aimed at boys)
I’m not sure I even need to state anything here as I feel this is so self-explanatory. We’ll start with the very sexist view that crying is a female thing only… I dunno about you, but last I checked crying was a physiological reaction. Here’s a summary of emotional tears:
Emotional tears: It all starts in the cerebrum where sadness is registered. The endocrine system is then triggered to release hormones to the ocular area, which then causes tears to form.
If I’m not missing some major scientific news, males have a cerebrum where they are capable of registering sadness. They also have an endocrine system that also releases hormones. They have an ocular area which causes tears to form. And lastly, they have faces where these tears fall. Did I miss something? How can crying be a female thing when it’s physiologically something all humans can do? Of course I’m aware this refers to the societal view that males be stoic and not show their emotions, but let’s return to the point above about how unhealthy it is to keep our feelings bottled up. In short, not at all.
But then we also get the lovely put down of “sissies” to refer to any boy who dares show his emotion. Because being like a girl is also bad. Even if it’s just physiologically responding to an event that has caused sadness, pain, or both. I honestly can’t help but believe that the higher rates of aggression we see in many young boys today is driven by repressed feelings. The inability to express how one feels would inevitably lead to feelings of helplessness, frustration, and anger. Is that really “manly”? Isn’t it funny how places like Sweden have men who are put down here in North America as being too feminine, yet they have lower rates of violence, mental health problems, suicide, etc.? So can we please cut the crap and stop with the sexist and derogatory statements to our kids and just let them feel what they need to feel?
And the absolute worst in my opinion:
“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Although sexism sucks, I think threatening your child qualifies as worse. I admit I’m very lucky to have never heard this uttered to a child because I don’t know what I’d do if I did. However, my husband heard this regularly in his town growing up. I can’t even fathom how a parent could choose to say this. Is crying really so terrible? So awful that you have to make your child stop by making them terrified that something even worse is going to happen to them? And are you really going to follow-through on this? How? Beat your child because he cried?
I honestly don’t know what to say here except I’d like to give parents who utter this something to cry about. Multiple times. You should NEVER utter this to your child. And if you plan to, please never come back to this site again.
* * * * *
Crying is normal. Crying is a part of life. No matter what age you are, no matter what sex you are, no matter how insignificant the event may be in hindsight. While mastery of emotions is something that can be good, it’s only good if we still allow ourselves to acknowledge, accept, and process these emotions. In fact, I would argue we don’t master the emotions, but rather the expression of them. When we tell children to not cry when they’re upset, we aren’t teaching them how to master the expression of emotion, but rather to ignore or suppress it. And it doesn’t help them in the moment and it certainly doesn’t help them long-term. So please, when you’re child’s upset, take a moment and comfort them. It doesn’t matter why they’re sad, but that they need you to be there for them. If their expression seems too extreme or inappropriate, you can always work on ways to express emotions after they’ve calmed down which is when that type of intervention is most effective. At the end of the day, you are a parent and none of these sayings are actually parenting. So please don’t use them.
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Jespren
Okay, my response is too long for me to publish here, so I posted it on my own blog, here’s the link: http://tigaseren.blogspot.com/2012/11/this-is-my-response-to-friends-blogpost.html?m=1
Tracy
I will say that I was referring to what I and my hubby have witnessed to CRYING
Not tantrums (which is why I focused on the end about learning to properly express emotions as being key to something we DO teach our children). My point here is that I believe you can teach appropriate responses without belittling the child for crying. I never said we allow whatever expression the child has to continue to come out, but that we teach them exactly what you spoke of without threats or belittlement. But *crying* over something is not anything we should treat kids poorly for.
Kath
Even if it were about tantrums, or “having a fit”, this post still makes sense and is reasonable. I think that you’ve given a great range of examples of poor responses to any emotional outpouring. If you want to carry on with this “well my parents did blah blah to me, and I’m fine” attitude, then fine, but I personally want better for my own kids and the ones I teach.
Great post EP!
Jespren
Oh, just a short aside. That last one is hardly synonomous with a parent ‘beat’ing a child. Even if we ignore the vast difference between a spanking and a beating, I’ve heard that from people who were refering to everything from ‘time out’ to a skipped desert. All it means is ‘something you don’t want’, there isn’t a universal definition for ‘something’.
Joe
Doesn’t matter what it is. You’re teaching them that your love is conditional based on how they’re behaving. You’re also teaching them that crying, a normal, human emotion and reaction to something is somehow wrong and bad. You’re threatening them, thus breaking your bond with them. And you’re teaching them to fear you, and to hide their emotions, which is not a healthy way for them to live.
As I’m at work, I don’t have time to write a huge diatribe response like you did, but most of what you wrote is not backed by science, just by your personal feeling. Read Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting, which uses actual scientific studies to show how what this article is about is true. Your job as a parent is not to be a jerk, or to control your child, but to work with your child to learn and grow. Threats of any kind do not work, statistically they’re actually quite detrimental. There is a very heavily referenced study, Stayton, Donelda J, Robert Hogan and Mary D Salter Ainworth “Infant Obedience and Maternal Behavior” – in short: the less controlling and threatening a parent is, the more likely their young children are to do what is asked of them.
Your children are not your enemy; don’t treat them as such. Work with them, don’t threaten to do things TO them.
Joe
Also, that’s not my picture
Not sure if it’s my name or email address that’s triggering that, but it’s not me.
Tracy
It seems someone has put that avatar up for that email! Perhaps someone has registered with word press using that email!!
Charlotte
Wow, both my parents have told me that they’d give me something to cry about, and it was always understood to be a spanking. It did teach me to go cry in my bedroom, where I do my crying to this day. I agree with you that the emotions never go away, we just change how we handle them.
I struggle with how to raise my son. I don’t have a problem with him crying, but I know that others will. Certainly having the vocabulary to express his feelings will help, but there will be times where he will cry and I’m not there to give him a safe space. Am I not failing him as a parent if I don’t help him learn that others will belittle him for one particular display of emotion? Which is worse? I don’t know.
Tracy
I don’t think you’re wrong to warn him and help him gain the strength to handle whatever criticisms may come his way. Being realistic about what to expect is a healthy part of parenting! Forcing him to not cry because others will possibly make fun of him would not be the way to go, in my opinion!
Aimee
I think that it’s a good idea, as our kids grow older, to teach them the unfortunate truth of how they will be perceived if they cry. We are currently going through a very difficult transition into middle school with my oldest son, and he has already been identified as a target by his classmates after an incident that led to his visible tears. This has lead to more teasing and threats.
Yesterday, when he got off the bus I could tell that something was up. We went into the bedroom and talked about it. Yet another child was teasing him and threatening to beat him up. I asked how he reacted and when he told me that he’d kept his eyes forward and face blank I gave him a “high five” and a huge hug. This released the tears, so he DID get it out, but in a safe place, one where he was not going to be judged or stigmatized.
I believe that crying is a healthy part of life, and I certainly don’t believe in holding in the tears forever, but life often expects even us adults to hold it together until we’re at a time and place where it’s safe.
Luna
“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mom used to say this to me all the time. It was usually followed by a smack in the face when I didn’t stop quickly enough (and I never did because I am a crier) pretty much all my emotions are hardwired into my tear ducts. While some parents may say it as just meaning something you don’t want to happen is going to happen, it is usually physically threatening. The threat of immediate physical pain to frighten the child into stopping. At least, in my home that’s always what it meant anywhere else that ever heard it (and I heard it quite a few places). If a parent was just going to give them no dessert as a punishment for showing their emotions the more logical train of thought would be “If you don’t stop crying you’re not going to get ice cream tonight” etc. The whole point of “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!” is to sound immediately threatening. In my home there was always a follow through, too.
Kc
In college I babysat a little boy who was stuck in a constant crying phase during his toddlerhood. One day I sat him down and explained to him that it was okay if he cried, but if he were able, he should try to use his words to tell me what was wrong so that I could try to help him. This BLEW HIS MIND. He just wasn’t used to the idea that he had this other method for expressing his needs and emotions. He was about 3 years old, and after that, he was so much easier to deal with. I’ve never forgotten how grateful he was for that little bit of advice. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for.
Jessica
Shame… This is we have more crime and teenage gang bangers running around! My mom disciplined my tantrums and ive never been arrested in my life. I respect authority and believe children need to be taught to do so!
Tracy
I’m totally unclear as to how these statements would curb crime or gangs. If you cry and you’re treated poorly for it (note: CRYING), how is being belittled going to prevent crime? And how are these statements actually discipline?