Recently I was made aware of a blog post entitled ‘Why We Ditched Attachment Parenting’. It starts a little something like this…
Guess what. I sleep-trained my infant.
I’m sure this will probably shock and offend many attachment parenting advocates, but with all the hype about co-sleeping and baby wearing out there, I think it’s important to share my story about how attachment parenting nearly ruined my life.
You can read the entire article here, though personally, I would recommend a nail in the eye first. To summarize for you (if you like your sanity as is, whatever that happens to be), this mom decided pre-birth she would do Attachment Parenting. And like any “good” AP mom, she got her checklist out and made sure she checked all the boxes. Babywearing? Check. Bedsharing? Check. Nursing on demand? Check. You get the picture.
The problem? Not all of this worked for them or their little one. Babywearing left the baby screaming and crying the entire time (yes, hours) and co-sleeping left mom exhausted once baby started nursing all night without break. The real basis for Attachment Parenting – responsiveness – was lost as was the idea of balance, which is key to everyone being happy and healthy. And instead of looking at gentle methods, mom hit a stage where she decided crying-it-out was the only thing to do. With her second, she did Gina Ford sleep scheduling right away.
There are your Cliff notes. (You can go put the nail away now.)
After reading this, I first just wanted to write a full page of me cursing the world and people in it because the way people continue to find ways to simply blame others and expect others to do the work for them amazes me (and saddens me). However, realizing that would be rather incoherent and not helpful, I then thought I would tackle her piece bit by bit. Except I realized that wouldn’t be helpful either because it would only speak to one person’s experience. No, I finally realized that we need to address the elephant in the room: Attachment Parenting all too often is being treated as list of things that parents MUST do (like the many expert books that actually do tell you that you need to do all these things). The entire philosophy behind Attachment Parenting is getting lost in the fray for various reasons and I can tell you that I sincerely doubt that Attachment Parenting International would recommend these parents behave the way they are, or like this mother did, in focusing solely on the practices espoused instead of on the theory and main message behind it.
I’ve already written on the difference between attachment and Attachment Parenting (see here), but the issue here isn’t about Attachment Parenting really, it’s about all parents who expect a one-size-fits-all approach to raising their children. Far too often parents read multiple books and decide which “approach” best fits their idea of what they want parenting to be. If you want a baby that sleeps through the night at 3 months, you’ll probably search out books I won’t even name because most of them are so awful. If you read the books and decide you want a securely attached child, you will probably end up looking at Attachment Parenting as written by Dr. Sears. Reading these books is not inherently bad; treating these books as gospel is.
And this is where we have a problem.
Raising children isn’t like dieting where you can be pretty sure that if you follow a certain set of practices (and they may vary) you will lose weight. Why not? Because there’s another individual involved here who has a big say in what does and does not work for him/her: your baby. Even the B’s of Dr. Sears’ Attachment Parenting Guidelines won’t work for all babies, and even more so, all families. If we take the original article that drove me insane, the mother describes wearing her baby on hikes all the time despite her baby crying non-stop the whole time. She also explains that her back was killing her and the babywearing ended up causing tons of damage to her back that needed fixing. I’ve had friends tell me they saw Attachment-Parenting-identified parents at the park refusing to take their one year old out of the carrier to play with other kids in favour of “keeping their baby close at all times”. When I hear stories like this, I want to scream. If you aren’t following your baby’s cues – or heck even your own – you are going to have problems. It is unavoidable. They may not be immediate, but you will have to deal with the fact that you ignored your child, even if it was in favour of an approach that’s deemed gentle and helpful.
Whatever parenting method you choose, you have to treat it as a guide not an instruction manual. And if you want your child to be independent and securely attached, you have to (a) be responsive to his or her needs, especially in infancy and toddlerhood, and (b) follow their cues to independence. It is not our job as parents to either force independence on our children or hide them from it. We are most effective when we serve as the base for our kids to come back to whenever they need it. If we can do that, we can have incredibly confident children then young adults then adults.
But we must also talk about balance. One of the things the original blogger mentioned is that sleep was a huge issue as soon as her youngest started wanting to nurse all night. Does being responsive mean we have to give into that? No. If you can and you’re comfortable with it, go ahead. (Though having had a couple sick nights where this was the case, I can say personally I was crawling out of my skin from the experience.) But does it mean you run to sleep scheduling in advance of this or to sleep training to stop it? NO.
You can find balance while also being responsive to your child’s needs. For some babies, the intense suckling may be fixed by the use of a pacifier (though if your supply isn’t secure, don’t do this). For others, a good bedtime routine may help. For others, it could be teething and the use of a ring or teething necklace, or remedy (herbal or otherwise) can help. And in some cases, parents may want to turn to gentle methods to guide longer sleep without any aide (like the No-Cry Sleep Solution). Regardless, there are happy mediums that allow families to bond, be responsive, empathize with each other, and develop healthy, happy attachment that will lead to greater independence. But you cannot have that if you expect to follow a check-list and not once consult your child, yourself or your partner.
At the end of the day, when I read articles about how Attachment Parenting ruined someone’s life, I get frustrated. Attachment Parenting can’t ruin anyone’s life, only you can. And if you can’t be responsible enough to find things that work for you as a family or require someone else to tell you exactly what to do all the time, you need to dig deep to figure out why. For some, it’s probably easier to just listen to others and that is when you need to question if you’re ready for kids. For others, I worry it’s a loss of confidence in one’s parenting abilities given we live in an environment that does not lead to much exposure to young children or even knowledge of their normal, physiological development. If this is the problem, go out and get yourself experience and education. It can do wonders for your confidence, and if you have that then you can take what you need and what will work for your family while respecting everyone’s needs.
(For the record, it seems like this mom did figure that out based on her comments on this piece. I don’t know for sure, but I hope so, for her and her family’s sake.)
Thank you soooo much for saying all this!!! You nailed it!!! The goal is happiness, not a perfectly completed checklist!
Yep you totally nailed it on the head. In my opinion, parenting is intuitive and instinctual. I feel like people are too busy making checklists and over analyzing how to be a “good” parent. I applied principles from AP that worked for us, and chucked the rest.
Great piece and I agree 100% – if we get so focused on the checklist that we forget the whole point of AP, it doesn’t work; because if we get so focused on the checklist, we aren’t really practicing AP.
I have an intact 5.5 mo son. I breast feed on demand, cloth diaper and bed share. I plan to full term breast feed and do baby led solids/weaning. I don’t follow a list though. I do what works for my family – I didn’t know my parenting style had a name until some one told me.
And I am not perfect.
I don’t keep my son close to me in a carrier all the time. I am small (100lbs) and he is big (20blbs) so it just isn’t practical. I know my limits. I love my Moby to death but we keep a stroller in the car for when we go out – just in case – and my son spends plenty of time during the day in his swing or rocker or on a play mat. I try to follow his cues and don’t believe in CIO but I have started letting him fuss himself to sleep because when he’s resisting sleep, he gets frustrated and takes longer to get to sleep and will full out cry when I try comforting him. I felt bad the first time I did it but then I realized that 1) it wasn’t letting him CIO (he wasn’t crying and wasn’t alone) and 2) there was nothing more I could do for him besides be there and *respond to his cues*.
And that’s the point. AP is about being responsive, not about being a “perfect parent” who checks all the boxes. And AP can be exhausting so AP parents have to take time for themselves to recharge. No one can do it all.
At 20lbs, baby is too big for a stretchy wrap like the Moby. I suggest a Soft Structured Carrier like the Ergo or if you like wraps, a woven wrap. Good luck!
I think part of the problem is the assumption that if you do one thing you do them all. I understand that you post about a wide range of topics on the EP site and Facebook page, which is fine because that’s your stated objective. But when the cloth diapering site posts about the evils of formula, or the breastfeeding site posts about intactivism, it 1) alienates people who haven’t checked off every item from the AP/EP handbook, and 2) creates the sense that you MUST do ALL of it.
I AM being responsive when I feed my baby purees, because he really really loves them; and I’m confident that I’m in tune with his cues enough that I don’t over- or under-feed him. But when the babywearing site posts all about baby-led-weaning, I feel as though I’m not truly a part of the babywearing community, even though I wear him constantly.
I think you touch upon ANOTHER issue that was different from the original post – that of the community. In the original post, it was the actual actions of babywearing and co-sleeping that posed problems, not the community. But certain groups CAN be incredibly rude and alienating and ignore the basic principle of responsiveness. It’s unfortunate and I hate it, and it’s something I acknowledged in another post (Why I’m Sticking with the AP Community) as to why we need more sites and pages that DON’T do that to help parents feel comfortable and welcome.
So true! In my family the only hard and fast rule has been “Love & Respect”. I’ve always thought the best way to parent to these values was through natural parenting, to which we’ve applied many aspects of AP. The ways in which we’ve carried out this edict has varied with each child because each child is different, and becuase our family situation was different for each child. AP practices have worked for us in many cases, in others, not so much.
Parenting is contextual.
Perfectly put
I think one of the best bits of parenting advice I got was from friends who warned me that babies and children are constantly changing: “You’ll think you’ve got them figured out, and next week everything’s different.” And I’ve seen how true this is. If the same thing that worked for my child last week doesn’t work next week, how in the world could a generic checklist work for all children?
It seems like many are looking for an “answer” that will tell them what to do, when there is no one answer, it is just a relationship that evolves and you have to respond to what is currently happening. People would think it was ridiculous if someone asked for a script they could read every time they encountered another person because they didn’t know how to have a conversation (Who are you speaking to? What is the situation?), yet they seem to think you can script parenting. But raising a child is like having a many-years long conversation–you have to respond to your child, the other individual involved!
I love that quote – I’ve said to parents myself 🙂 It’s just SO TRUE. I say the same things about bedtime routines. There isn’t just one for every kid and there isn’t just one for each individual kid. It changes with the child! And that’s okay, but also why we need to be aware of our kids’ reactions to things so we can alter as necessary!
Great article, thanks.
Is ‘responsive parenting’ a label? Because there perhaps needs to be a new name for the kind of parenting you’re espousing (and the kind I try to – no wait, can’t help but to – practice).
In spite of, technically, meeting many of the Attachment Parenting ‘checklist’ items – e.g. baby-wearing (had a real screamer with a dairy intolerance so was hardly a choice unless I wanted premature hearing loss) and co-sleeping (we’ve got a one-bedder so it was hardly a choice), as well as feeling that crying-style sleep training methods were inherently missing the point – I have always disliked both the name (suggests overly attached parents!!!) and the notion that you have to pick a ‘camp’ when you have a baby. As a result, and again in spite of owning Sears’ book, I have never spoken the words Attachment Parenting out loud, because I don’t want have a label, thanks very much.
I can certainly see great value in pushing the message that parenting methods/tools that involve parent-baby closeness (babywearing and cosleeping, e.g.) are generally really great for building happy babies, particularly in the Western world where there are so many devices, including house layout, to separate parents from their babies when they are only very small. But, like any backlash-style movement, it has its limitations, and I think it’s reached them. And there is always an issue when individual who practice an extreme version of anything claim that their practice exemplifies a particular concept (in this case AP): this polarises everyone, including those who practice a similar, but less extreme version.
A friend of mine quotes a book (method? concept?) called Parent Effectiveness Training. I’ve never sought it out, but the little I know of it sounds really helpful.
I think the real goal of AP (or whatever you want to call it it) should be to teach parents how to listen to themselves and their kid. Methods of listening and interpreting, and then responding. It should not be to teaching that certain activities (carry babies constantly or co-sleeping) are the only way to achieve this.
Because of course, the logical extension of that very narrow-minded interpretation of AP is that parents who are, for example, physically incapacitated in some way and therefore unable to babywear, are unable to practice AP successfully. That, of course, is crap, and no sane person would disagree. Thus proving that you DON’T need to baby share and cosleep (or any of that stuff) to be an attachment parent. THUS proving that attachment parenting necessarily must mean something else – something more wholistic, flexible and inclusive.
Sorry for the rant.
No need to apologize – it was a wonderful rant. I haven’t heard of Parent Effectiveness Training but if it is focused on reading your baby then it sounds wonderful 🙂 I’ll have to look it up! Because yes, you’re right, listening to and responding to your baby are key to raising a secure and attached child 🙂
just discovered this:
http://www.etia.org
have not been able to make an assessment of its credibility but it is founded on the teachings of the author of Parent Effectiveness Training…. looks worth a second look! 🙂
i totally get how you feel, i hate the ‘AP’ label and the ‘Crunchy’ label, with most people thinking if your doing one you must also be doing the other to be correct.
its so funny that the first year and a half i raised my daughter on instinct, her ques, feeding on demand and what worked best for us, i’d never read a single article on parenting or breastfeeding i considered myself ‘child-led’, following my childs needs and trusting her instincts, guiding and supporting her, not training her.
so technically i’m AP.
, only im not because i didnt co-sleep i didnt babywear all the time (only a few times a week for dog walks) i did a mix of purees and babylead weaning. my baby was often left to crawl around while i watched her and she was allowed to be independant because thats who she was. i dont see how trying to force your child to be carried all the time through screaming is the least bit AP, and nursing constantly so that your sleep deprived and resent your relationship is the opposite to being ATTACHED. its being a controling and forcing dependancy. It baffles me that people struggle so much to just accept and follow their childrens needs, i went into motherhood want to care for a child life, not to fit her round my life or fit her into expert expectations, rules and routines that ‘must’ be done to raise her ‘properly’ (whether ap or otherwise) if your going to e a mother you need to accept what a child is and what a child needs.
Exactly – so many of the practices won’t work for everyone. They can be great tools when they do work, but that’s it! If it doesn’t fit your child, it doesn’t fit your child. Continuing to do them won’t make your child attached, it’ll make them pissed off! Good for you for attaching to your child in a way that works for you and your child 🙂
Forcing your child to be caried Is not attachment parenting. Baby wearing is a tool to help a parent get stuff done when all baby wants is to be held. It’s not a requirement to be considered an “attachment parent.” Attachment parenting is based off attachment theory studied by neuroscientists . It is not meeting a checklist, it the relationship between you and your child. Dr. Sears is very clear about the fact that you must use the tools only when they are convenient for you and you must balance the needs of the family for everyone to be happy. He also acknowledges he did not invent attachment parenting because it’s what most parents did before modern baby trainers decided following your child’s cues weren’t convenient enough. I think there may be a few misguided and perhaps judgemental attachment parents who turn people off, but there is nothing inherently wrong with the term or practice itself.
sorry, more relevant link here:
http://www.etia.org/domains/etiaorg/about-the-courses/parent-education/
what my friend told me about it is that so often, the undesirable behaviours of small (or big) children are a direct reflection of things that we, as parents, unconsciously do. I’m not talking so much about raising our voices or saying bad words, but even things like, say… eating while not at the table (i do this all the time!); or… even writing on undesirable surfaces – little toddler see us writing all over unidentified objects – diaries, random bits of paper, etc etc etc… how do they know that they’re not supposed to write on the floor or the wall? These are silly examples, maybe, and have little to do with sleep, but generally speaking if we don’t want children to do things that are destructive, we have to think really hard about why they’re doing them in the first place. WIth sleep, it could be that our own stress about bedtime is transferring to them. They hear us saying negative things like ‘he just won’t go to sleep and I’m at the end of my rope’ and even if they don’t understand the words, they sure as apples understand the intention. And it doesn’t mean we have to be perfect parents – because we certainly don’t have perfect children – but we have to do a bit more analysis of our own role in babies’/childrens’ behaviours. This, I think, is one of the aspects of Parent Effectiveness Training: constant consciousness about what your actions and words show to your child. Because we know that even the tiniest baby is watching and listening to us – even though it’s easy to forget.
At the same time, we don’t want to find ourselves thinking that every undesirable thing our child does is a reflection of something we’ve done – but that’s why Parent Effectiveness Training (and lots of parents, particularly attachment parents) try and cultivate closeness between parents and children: You’re much better placed to make good decisions about how to effectively change undesirable behaviour if you’ve got a strong bond with your child.
This is extremely true in our case. I had a very challenging (sleepless) young baby who is a delightful, wonderful and extremely developed (verbally and otherwise) toddler. If he misbehaves it’s because he’s sick or very tired (both situations I can easily help him with). Rarely, he hits me (not hard, but that’s because he’s small 🙂 – and most of the time it’s because I’m being annoying, or because I’ve been at work all day. If he does annoying things like pour water on the carpet, it’s because he’s seen me doing that when I’m cleaning the carpet (!!!) So I’ve found that, because I”m so close to him and I know him so well, there is very little about his behaviour that is a) difficult and b) bothersome. And I know all children are different, but I feel that our responsiveness to him as a small baby has really helped us along – it also might have helped him learn to speak earlier (he’s 18 months and talks like a 3 year old) which is also a blessing because good communication helps prevent tantrums.
Whether or not you think it’s a parent’s responsibility to be responsive to babies’ communications (including about sleep), it should be viewed as an option with both advantages and disadvantages. It can definitely seem like hard work in the short term, trying to be responsive all the time, but in the long run I actually think it makes things easier.
Gosh I rant!
I have found what your saying to be true about conscious parenting, I have a 14 year old to whom I taught – ‘looking is with eyes, touching is with hands’ trying to get her to find anything now, by saying ‘go and have a look’ is absolutely pointless. She doesn’t move anything – looking is with eyes. Face palm.
I alos have a 1 year old whom I decided I would not say the word no to, from birth. To be honest it is a lot harder than it seems and it has also been so much more positive than I realised. By not saying no it has helped me to be much more conscious of what she is doing and it helps me to be so much more positive about our relationship. I’ve also been babywearing and cosleeping because it works for us, and I love it and I knew these practices, whilst being great for babies in the early days, are also great ways to promote a healthy bond.
But also having gone into this new parenting experience with the conscious decision to not say no, to be responsive, to baby wear, to co sleep, to breastfeed, to gain knowledge on basic human growth and stages to know approximately where she is at, so I can be more responsive has made this experience the most amazing time of my life.
As an aside- I was just standing in front of the fridge scoffing some left over cake and realised my LO was standing at my feet watching me. It occurred to me that as I’m probably imprinting my behaviors onto her 24/7 and her watching me do that was probably not a great idea, so I said outloud – mmmm salad, I love salad. Hopefully that imprints on her brain and sets up a better pattern than scoffing cake from the fridge. Lol. It’s all these small things that add up to our children’s future behavior I believe. They really are little mimics.
I think I am going to have a look at the link, thank you.
and of course I recognise a need to better define what ‘responsive’ actually means, to me and in popular opinion 🙂
”You can find balance while also being responsive to your child’s needs. For some babies, the intense suckling may be fixed by the use of a pacifier (though if your supply isn’t secure, don’t do this). For others, a good bedtime routine may help. For others, it could be teething and the use of a ring or teething necklace, or remedy (herbal or otherwise) can help. And in some cases, parents may want to turn to gentle methods to guide longer sleep without any aide (like the No-Cry Sleep Solution). Regardless, there are happy mediums that allow families to bond, be responsive, empathize with each other, and develop healthy, happy attachment that will lead to greater independence. But you cannot have that if you expect to follow a check-list and not once consult your child, yourself or your partner.“
Maybe just the most brilliant thing i’ve read on this subject. I think I will share this with my Facebook page. you just put it together so cohesively, thank you.
I find the lack of confidence in parenting both rampant and scary. I read a lot about parenting, because I find it really interesting, but I think I’d be OK without it. And I didn’t even like kids until I had my own! I wonder if it’s just a lack of confidence in general? People in our culture seem very willing to blindly follow any type of “expert” above their own instincts.
Muy thoughts exactly!
Agree!! It drives me crazy when people say that AP didn’t work for them. The basis of AP is to listen to your baby and listen to your instincts. Even Dr Sears says that not all of the tools will work for all parents and all babies. He even says that you take what works for you and feel free to throw the rest out. To me, when people say that AP failed them,then it actually means that they weren’t using the tools correctly because,if they were,then they would have been listening to their children and to themselves and following what worked for them. The tools for AP are just that-tools-not rules. Big difference. HUGE difference,actually.
This is one of the most sensible and beautifully written pieces on parenting I have ever read. Thank you for acknowledging parenting as the unique journey it should be, even for those who share the same philosophy, and for reminding us all to make practical, loving and well researched choices for our families and ourselves!
YES! I have to keep reminding myself of this.
Often, I will see other moms posting photos of themselves online wearing their babies while they’re cooking or cleaning, and I start to wonder if I’m not adhering to the AP “checklist” properly. But almost immediately, I remind myself that dd doesn’t want me to wear her constantly. She enjoys independently playing for periods of time. She likes exploring alone a lot.
By not ALWAYS wearing her, I am practicing AP. I’m reading her cues and responding accordingly.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on BLW. Dd can’t even be bothered to put a piece of food to her lips. She’s fine with purees, but not actual bits of food.
That’s another one I have to stop from worrying myself about. She’s happy with the purees, so we continue with them.
Thank you! I read her blog frequently, and when I came across this post a few weeks ago I was just blown away! I wanted to stop following it entirely. Thank you for tackling this – I couldn’t agree with you more.
She acts like attachment parenting is a specific set of behaviors that you have to do the same way in every mom-child relationship. But that’s not what it’s about, as you have pointed out here.
By the way, for anyone coming along who wants to slug through all these comments: If your baby is nursing nonstop, that means they’re about to go through a growth spurt and they need you to make more milk for them. THIS IS NORMAL AND TEMPORARY. You HAVE to wait it out and then your baby will sleep more normally again. If you try to approach this by “sleep-training,” all you will do is disrupt your milk supply.
I had *several* episodes of Constant Night Nursing and every one of them ended when my daughter didn’t need to do that anymore. People do not understand that breastfeeding is nothing like formula-feeding. The baby’s demands are different, the baby’s responses to feeding are different, the methods are different. You CANNOT take up breastfeeding expecting that your child is going to sleep six to eight hours on one feeding because if you do, YOU WILL FAIL.
Sorry for all the caps but I can’t stress this enough.
Oh yes. Thank you for pointing this out.
I have found that knowing this helps me to be more patient with mine when she needs this. It’s one of those responsiveness things I guess.
To be honest, how anyone maintains a happy breastfeeding relationship without knowing this I don’t know. I also don’t know how moms do it when their babes are in a cot in another room. Is that why so many moms get frustrated by breastfeeding and seemingly sleepless babies?
This is where bed sharing has saved my sanity and kept up my breastfeeding relationship with my LO. While I agree that each to their own and you have to figure out what works for your family, at some stage doesn’t the baby’s needs take precedence over everyone else’s?
Sorry, but it’s just not always true that constant nursing is about a growth spurt and baby will sleep “normally” soon. Some women are dealing with babies who wake and nurse frequently for months and months on end. That’s not a growth spurt. “Normal” never seems to come. Without any indications of any underlying issue, it’s just a long painful slog. I know too many who are going through this with me. How I wish it was just a growth spurt, a sleep regression, teething, etc etc. Everyone dealing with a frequently waking baby has to find a way to deal with it that suits them, but “it will be back to normal soon” is not the answer for us.
I just want to share I agree with you and why I wrote this particular piece to help parents with a child who struggles with sleep:
https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/when-your-infants-sleep-isnt-normal/
I love your writing style!! I’ve read many of your posts and they all feel right to me, so mich so that I’ve stopped using the phrase ap when explaining what it is I do (for the millionth time to my own mother of all people!!) and started saying it’s responsive and follows our evolutionary instincts. whenever people ask I just say we are mammals, and mammals are natural mothers born with the instincts they need to respond to their babies. doubt in our instincts is bread into us from an early age, we are asked to prove everything we do with properly constructed reasons and apparently gut instinct isn’t a good enough reason! even research showing gut instinct to be valid isn’t good enough for some people!! There was a time where I struggled to discuss what I was ding without getting defensive and upset (even with my own husband) because everything felt like an attack as I was unsure of my choices, but I knew what I didn’t want to do or coulfnt do.
I would just like to say thank you, you’ve helped give me confidence. You’ve helped me believe in my choices. you’ve helped me talk to my husband. and now when people disagree it doesn’t feel personal, like an attack and no longer upsets me. x
Thank you 🙂 I’m so glad you feel more confident and that it’s helped you not take disagreements personally. When we feel knowledgeable about our choices, that’s exactly what happens 🙂
Thanks for this article.
I’ve just recently thought I failed at AP. Now I realise that its only some of the AP “methods” that haven’t been working for me.
My daughter constantly needed to nurse at 9mo (obviously for comfort). She never even touched solids. But it was all good right because nursing on demand like this was creating such a strong bond?
We bed shared (which I love), but my DD could ONLY fall asleep with me… Not even dad. I found myself getting sick. I had no time for myself as DD couldn’t take the bottle. This was not AP… My attached daughter would have been angry that I neglected my own needs of space if she could understand.
Its about finding a balance and trusting that gut. By looking after yourself you are looking after your child.
Neglecting yourself is teaching your child that YOU, their carer is not important… And that is not being happily attached.
Thank you for helping me realise I’m not a failure
[…] has a wonderful post about not allowing the AP “checklist” run, or ruin your life HERE. I heart […]
It’s sad that you feel you need to be such a bitch to when given parenting advice.
Huh?
I think the most dangerous thing about the original post is that she is advising that people sleep train their infants a 4 months old, to prevent “problems” later (like night waking, etc.). She goes on and on in her responses to comments about how attachment parenting is misleading and unhealthy and will result in a spoiled, anxious child. I stopped following her after that post.
It seems that most people on here are all like-minded and defensive of attachment parenting. WHY are people so attached to attachment parenting? So incredibly defensive of it? When I think of the parents that I know that are the most knowledgeable, most effective, humble, understanding, calm, parents who value and enjoy parenthood, none of them are AP parents. Really. The AP parents that I know are, well, extremely opinionated, for one, judgemental, overwhelmed, often inexperienced, and many times lacking community support, particularly from those older and more experienced than themselves. The author of the article in question sounds like she probably didn’t have much support or experience herself, and yet you all stand here in judgement of her. Really, it’s a sad world. Must be because your parents sleep trained you, put you in play pens, and used strollers rather than carriers!!! That was a joke. Seriously, though, we all love our children, whether it’s our first and we’re clueless or our fourth and we’re seasoned, whether we stroll or carry, schedule, co-sleep, bottle feed, allow a child to wean himself, OR subscribe to any particular parenting philosophy. What I notice with AP parents is fear. Yes, fear. Well, guess what, parenting is freakin scary!! AND there are no pat answers AND no guarantees. What are you all expecting? AP parenting doesn’t guarantee anything, doesn’t guarantee your child won’t get sick, physically or mentally, doesn’t guarantee happy children and later adults, doesn’t guarantee a close relationship with your child. You haven’t found some lost secret, some special knowledge that makes you better or more in control than other parents, as much as you may want to believe that. I think what some parents realize is that parenthood is a long journey and what matters is continuous, consistent, dependable support. Do you think what you do with a 6 month old is more important than what you do when your daughter has her first boyfriend or first car? (I think Sears would have you believe that.) Well, Sears is one man, one pant leg at a time, just as fallible as the rest. Use your common sense. What mattered to YOU as a child? We’re you always in a mental state of rebellion for all your parents “failings” in your infancy? I’m guessing not. What example do you want to set for your child? I, for one, want to set an example of humility, of compassion, of open-mindedness and flexibility. I want to show that I’m not afraid to admit when I’ve made a mistake and to make steps to change in the future (sorta like our original author). I want to show my children that I don’t always have to be right, that I have faith in the future, that everything will be all right, AP or (gasp!) Ezzo.
No comment?! That’s what I thought 😉
Don’t worry. I don’t frequent this site. You can continue to surround yourself with all your “Yes” (wo)men. That’s what sites like this are for, after all.
Actually I’ve been out of town as my father-in-law died suddenly and unexpectedly. I just returned home the other day and am trying to get caught up on everything.
All I can say to your post is that you’re right that AP doesn’t “guarantee” anything – nothing does, but fostering attachment (however it’s done, so long as it’s done) does increase the chances of resiliency, healthy relationships, empathy, social skills, etc. Your anecdotes of parents mean nothing with respect to data and none of us AP parents are looking to push it, but rather to point out the idiocy of people who blame it for not being responsive. All the things you mention about not being right, dependable support, etc. IS attachment parenting.
Amazing article! This is a huge pet peeve of mine too – why do we have to even call it “attachment parenting” all parents should keep attachment in mind, it’s the very basis of biology and having children in the first place! Thank you for writing this, now if only people would read/understand/think for themselves…
Thank you for this post! I just came across it on FB (who knew FB could actually make accurate suggestions sometimes!?!) as the blogger of the original post you referenced once again hyped her article. I’ve seen it several times and have wanted to say something in response. You did just that far more eloquently than I.