On Friday December 4th, my family and I welcomed our newest addition to our family: Baby boy (no, he still does not have a name) was born at home at 11:33am thanks to the amazing help from our birth team of midwives and doula. It has been both a whirlwind and so completely comfortably normal since then. The love in our household has grown exponentially, in ways I never could have imagined. Obviously as our family adjusts to our new reality and we eagerly spend all this time getting to know the amazing little boy that is our son or brother, I will be writing less to close out 2015; however, this experience has led to a few thoughts that I wanted to share because they are not happy thoughts. They are angry thoughts.
You see, when I started Evolutionary Parenting, my daughter was already born – in fact, she was almost a year old. Although I had been thinking about the many topics that would become the basis for so many articles that have been written since, in many cases, the realities of the advice being given to parents still had some distance. With the birth of my son and this happening after years of writing on the science of parenting and infant development and years of reading up on what is passing as mainstream parenting “advice” these days, I have had my eyes opened more than before.
To say I feel angry and frustrated with the system our society has created would be a massive understatement. I am appalled. I am disgusted.
When I experienced the amazing power of skilled and gentle and respectful birth assistants, especially during a rather difficult and painful labour because of pre-existing conditions, I am horrified at how many women are still treated during what should be a supporting and safe experience. I am equally horrified at how midwives are treated in some places. There are too many hospitals that do not allow midwives privileges, despite midwives in hospitals having better outcomes than doctors, based on maternal and infant outcomes. If we want birth to be the experience it should be for most women (some things will happen regardless), we need the myriad birth assistants to work together, not apart. We need skilled midwives available for those who want them, we need family doctors available for those who want them, and we need OB-GYNs available for those who need them. And with this, we definitely need continuity of care for all women pre- and post-birth.
When I experienced the joy of being home after birth and all that it entailed (including hubby making pancakes for everyone and my daughter being able to see her new brother so soon after birth), I am angry that there are people trying to take that choice away from women. Especially when the research we have is very clear that, when set up properly, this option is even safer for low-risk pregnancies than a planned hospital birth.
When I experienced this amazing little boy in my arms – the epitome of perfection – I knew that this was the stage many women would be asked, or even pressured, into circumcision their sons for no good reason. Routine infant circumcision occurs for no medical or even spiritual indication (yes, the discussion of a religious circumcision is equally important, but also vastly different) and this has. to. stop. We have to find a way to realize that our boys don’t need to have the same penis as their dad (heck, even with circumcision they won’t), that the locker room mentality makes no sense to start with but actually makes even less sense as rates of circumcision decline regardless and soon circumcised boys will be the minority, that the purported “benefits” don’t hold much weight at all when looked into critically, and so on. Routine infant circumcision is cosmetic surgery and our boys need our protection as much as our girls.
When I started breastfeeding, I experienced pain, my boy was gassy early (very rare and symptomatic of a problem), he was crying in pain, and nursing all the time. I started out incredibly sleep deprived and in pain, but because of what I write and do, I had the experience and knowledge to immediately know that this was not normal and one look at my boy’s mouth showed a very clear tongue tie. My midwife noticed it too and at 4 days old, it was released (along with a lip tie). However, for far too many moms, they don’t know that this is wrong. They have caregivers who don’t know the first thing about ties or even breastfeeding and they are pushed – overtly or subtly – into giving up a breastfeeding relationship under the belief that it is painful and possibly even hurting their baby. Breastfeeding support is essential for all the mother-infant dyads out there who want this relationship and when I hear suggestions that we have enough of it, I can’t find a wall big enough to bang my head against.
When I experience my night-time wakings with my little boy as he looks around the world or nurses, I am reminded there are doctors and so-called “experts” telling families to leave their newborns and young infants alone to cry with no support under the guise of “teaching” them to sleep. They forget that a baby needs to eat regularly to survive. They forget that a baby is building up his neural pathways via experience and that experience can be one of love and responsiveness or isolation and neglect. Parents, with erroneous expectations about what life should be like, fall prey and believe they are doing the “right” thing. In my mind, these people pushing these methods are criminals. Yet the more people speak out against these methods, the more pushback there is for them and a middle ground that respects parents’ needs and infant’s needs gets swept under the rug for more extreme forms of sleep training.
When I experience the love my daughter has for her new brother – expressed in ways that actually led our doula to tears – I am reminded of how important attachment is for all members of the family. I am reminded that sibling love starts with the attachment between parent and child, not child and child, for as the child feels secure and loved in their relationship with the parent, the new child is not a threat and can be safely loved. However, not all families experience this and new siblings often result in problems with older siblings that parents don’t know how to cope with. In many cases, the problem isn’t that the older child isn’t attached, but rather the child is too young to fully understand this change. Parents need to recognize the importance of how to continue to foster attachment with the older sibling to engender the love towards the younger one when a child is too young to have fully internalized this for him/herself. And to do this, parents and families need support.
When I experienced my husband being at home to help, I realized that far too many families do not have adequate post-partum support. My husband is home temporarily, but I also have wonderful friends around willing to help out when he returns to work. I am home already, but had I worked, I live in a country that has paid maternity and parental leave meaning I would be eligible for 50 weeks paid leave (my husband is eligible for 35 weeks paid). This is not paid for by his employer, but rather we have been paying for it in the form of employment insurance, something everyone pays into here and covers a host of employment-related leaves. Knowing that as I type this with my 5-day-old son sleeping, snuggled in on my chest, there are babies in daycare because their parents are back at work already is nothing short of criminal.
With all this experience, I also realize that the way to change is long and hard and the hardest part is changing minds. In all of these experiences I have seen the resistance to change. Not a single item on this list is one that I have not personally seen vehemently defended by those who feel the status quo is working just fine.
So I will finish out my year with my larger family, enjoying our time together and getting to know this amazing little boy who has entered out lives and expanded our hearts in ways I never imagined possible, but also thinking. A lot. I can’t say I have the answer to change, but I know the first step is changing minds. I know I have written on all of these topics before, but clearly I need a new strategy to try and reach more people or reach them in a different way if real change is to come. So that is my goal for EP in 2016: Finding ways to help people initiate real change in their communities while continuing to support families around the world and providing information for those who are open to it.
How will that look? I have no idea, but there’s no choice left but to find out.
I love this! i have felt all these things when i had my second by too. both intact, the second one born at home with support from midwives, night time wakings second time around was so easy and peaceful because I EXPECTED it unlike the first time where I was led to believe it was not normal. thanks to you tracy and your work i have had the best experience ever of motherhood ever since my second son was born. he is now 8 months.
I am now struggling with my older son (3 yrs 2 months) showing alot of aggression towards the baby though in spite of us empathising, loving him, being nurturing, still nursing, the works. maybe at some point you can write about that, (though i hope not from experience)
Hi Aloka
Janet Landsbury, an incredible early child development specialist has written about sibling aggression. Her articles are always superbly written and take a nurturing responsive perspective.
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/09/surviving-sibling-struggles/
Congratulations Tracey & family on your new member! I love reading of your impassioned determination to continue to work on helping people initiate real change in their communities!
I’m on that team also – I am so sad that in the country I live in, only the well off are able to stay at home for so long with their new infant…I’m in Early Childhood Education, and I know all too well that there are ‘babies in daycare because their parents are back at work’ – and I agree, it is nothing short of criminal.
Your blog is one of my MUST-reads, for the quality of the information you provide is second to none – and I do tons of searching for good sources. I wish you and your family the best!
Thank you so much Sandy! I really appreciate the kind words 🙂 I do hope I can think of some way to help, all I know is that I feel it HAS to be grassroots and not just trying to lobby a deaf government on the matter!!
Hi Aloka,
Three is such a hard age for so many things, much less a sibling who takes a lot of attention from mom and dad!! I hope to do a piece on it in the new year. I think talking to him if he can verbalize is a must. Let him express everything he needs to and know that likely his acting out is the lack of impulse control that exists at that age and mounting frustrations over the new sibling. Does he get set one-on-one time with you each day?
I haven’t read Dr. Markham’s sibling book yet (here: http://amzn.to/1IIgZjH) but have heard WONDERFUL things about it if you want to look into that.
Hugs and best of luck!!
Tracy
A huge CONGRATULATIONS to you and your family on the arrival of your little boy! He’s a very lucky boy to have you as his Mumma 🙂
I couldn’t agree more with this article. Professionally and socially, I have a lot of contact with families and their babies, and I quite often feel an ache in my heart when I see things like a parent who is unresponsive or believes in CIO, or a routine circumsion. I always try and tell myself that it could be so much worse, but then I can’t shake the fact that EVERY baby on earth deserves to be born to responsive parents who respects that they are a person with needs and rights.
Your EP goal for 2016 is awesome, and the world really needs this right now. I can’t wait to see how I can get on board- I will be watching closely. Great work Tracey!
Thank you Melissa! I will definitely be calling out for help at some point so I look forward to working with those who feel they can help too!!
Congratulations to your family with the birth of this amazing little person. I always love to read your essays and often share them on Facebook, and, more often, in my blog. I will with this one, too, to hekp you reach more people with your ver important message.
I live in The Netherlands, and, yes we do have a well-organized maternity care system and 16 weeks maternity leave for nem mothers ans even a well-organized system to secure breast(milk)feeding for working moms during 9 months postpartum. And yes, we still have these horrible pregnancy, birth and maternity routines and the horrible detachment behavioristic parenting advice. So even here your words are very much in need of spreading,
Thank you!!! Hopefully if enough of us work hard at it, we can see real change!
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Congratulations! It’s great news that your son has arrived safely and you are all doing so well. I can echo Aloka’s comments above about the second being much easier because I knew (thanks to sites like yours) what was normal. You are already changing people’s lives (including mine), so while I really hope you can find ways to expand that to communities too, remember that you are already doing some marvellous things. Take care and enjoy your expanded family!
Thank you so much!! It’s always nice to know that people are helped 🙂 You hope it, but you’re never quite sure 😉
SAME. I’ve felt the same way. Respectful medical care of women and babies, the sanctity of the postpartum period, nursing support, safe bedsharing… I feel so incredibly privileged to have experienced much of this (not counting the first one – nothing like a difficult birth and a NICU stay to show you both the best and the worst of medical care in this country, often nearly simultaneously) when so, so many do not.
Congratulations on the little one!
Congratulations to you and your family! Sagittarius babies are treasures. ? He is beautiful! Tracy, thank you for continuing to state the understated. I live in the states, in NJ, where c-sections and formula feeding is quite routine and normal. I am a first-time mommy (baby born in August) that has struggled early on with breastfeeding, had both my daughter’s lip and tongue ties released (thanks to a wise lactation specialist), and am currently battling sleep deprivation to the fullest. Your articles on sleep training have given me hope and inspiration, when I was at the very end of my ladder. Please enjoy the holidays with your family and know that your messages have changed my world!
A huge congratulations on the arrival of your newest family member from a ‘Down Under” fan. I started following you 4 years ago and have loved reading your posts.
I had my second child almost 15 months ago in the comfort of my home with a midwife attending as my daughter was born in the presence of her daddy, big sister and an aunty. It was the most amazing day of my life! I wish that all families had the opportunity for continuity of care from a midwife – I’m positive that it would have massive benefits to families which would then flow on to public health and welfare.
I know for me, I have rethought when and how I will return to work. I have extended my maternity leave and will only do temp work 2 days a week for at least the next 12 months. I am fortunate to have the support of my family and employer to do this.
I hope you and your family have a beautiful Christmas.
CONGRATULATIONS, Tracy! I’m so so so happy for you! And, yes, PLEASE reach out as your 2016 goal begins to take shape. I will absolutely help in every way I can! xoxoxo
Congratulations! I look forward to seeing how having two children informs your future articles. I’m a second child and convinced we’re the best, though we do get less attention than our predecessors.
congratulations Tracy, that is wonderful news!! Good luck and take it easy with your fourth trimester 🙂 Do not be discouraged, you have done so much to help and encourage me on my parenting journey. Just as I felt hopeless I found your site and took comfort in all your juicy research and critiques of scientific literature. We can all spread the word and help each other learn.
Thanks for all you do warrior mama
Love,
Chelsea
Blessings on your expanding family…numbers and love it seems : )
Sadly you articulate many of the same fears I have when observing women, mothers, babies, children and families. My anger has evolved into sadness.}
BUT NOT despair.
I will continue to practise my breastfeeding counselling, supporting and caring for mothers, babies, children and families.
There are many of a like mind. We are not “organised” so it can feel lonely speaking for the welfare of our human race.
Keep living your beliefs. Keep sharing your experiences and thoughts.
.
Congratulations on your new addition and a birth at home!
We are expecting our second in February 2016. This time around, my expectations are in line with what normal is for babies and the new normal for our family: breastfeeding, bed-sharing, responsive parenting day and night. Our 2.5 year-old is in school/daycare and she enjoys the interaction, so that will continue part time in her life even as her world at home changes. We will also be figuring out tandem-nursing, although my first only nurses a few times a day. I think that it will be a great comfort to her to still be included in that way.
I am able to stay out of work until Sepember and this (expensive $$$) privilege is not lost on me. I wish it for all babies and their families. It should not be a privilege of the few, but a right of the many.
I live and work in NJ, USA.
Blessings to you and family Tracy! You deserve a rest and some quiet time right now but I am totally with you in empowering young women to stand up for common sense and sanity when it comes to the most important event of their lifetimes. The internet is a fabulous tool for educating and organizing young people. Maybe you could start with a map on your website so that your followers can see if other like minded women are nearby. You could create a space so that your followers could post events happening in their area. You have already contributed a lot by creating your website 🙂 Start with tiny steps and by the time your children are grown your contributions will have snowballed into something huge. I highly recommend Frances Moore Lappe’s book You Have the Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear. Women in America must absolutely push back and take back the whole culture of giving birth and breastfeeding and take it away from those who are only motivated by shortsighted greed and not common sense. I posted on facebook that all females (from 8 to 88) should have a solidarity day of going topless to stop all the silliness. And of course we need many many female lawmakers! Focus on the good and don’t let the idiots get you down.
I do like the localized idea. It’s along the lines of what I’ve been brainstorming. There’s just so much that needs to be done, figuring it all out is something else altogether!!! 🙂