Last week I was at a party with my daughter for a friend’s daughter. We were classmates together in graduate school, obtaining our M.A.s in Clinical Psychology together and while I switched over to the Developmental program for my Ph.D., she stayed in Clinical for a couple years before leaving the program when she had her first child.
Her choice wasn’t that she truly wanted to give up school, but she has pre-existing health conditions that take up a lot of time (and include a lot of pain, doctor’s visits, etc.) and everything became much more difficult when she was also responsible for caring for a child as well. So instead of starting her research for her Ph.D., she opted to leave. It’s been about 3 years since she left the program and a year since we’d seen each other. She has two children now and of course, having the opportunity, I asked how things were going.
“Well… I’m an overly-educated stay-at-home mom.”
That’s it. That summed it all up for her. There was a bit of bitterness in her voice, a bit of sadness too. There was a tone that suggested somehow having the education she had should preclude her from being a stay-at-home mom. And yet in all that, and in all I saw that day and know of her, I know she likely wouldn’t change anything if given the opportunity to go back. Her children are a testament to how wonderful she is, at home, with them and I know how much she loves the time with them.
I ended up sending her this piece when I got home because I wanted her to know that being “just” a mom is quite something indeed. I reminded her how amazing her kids were and that’s a testament to her parenting (along with her husband, of course, but that’s tangential). I hope that message got through, even though I also feel for her and the fact that she gave up something she did want because a system wasn’t equipped to deal with her unique situation.
It got me thinking of the unjustness that our school couldn’t handle one person’s special circumstance. I know first-hand how unsupportive the academic world can be to parents and I have been truly blessed to have the supervisor I do, who accepted me taking a bit longer, working from home, and knowing I was first and foremost a parent. It seems so wrong that a school can take away the chance of a degree from a deserving candidate because she was unable to complete things on their schedule of what an able-bodied, non-parent can complete.
I finished thinking of all of that and I realized I was still disheartened. I was disheartened because her statement about being “overly-educated” implies that somehow being educated and being a stay-at-home parent is incompatible. I don’t know how much she herself feels that, but I know it’s a common view in our society.
It brought to mind my own mother who faced criticism from some classmates when she decided to stay at home with us kids after getting her undergraduate degree from Princeton (and was part of the first female class). Hadn’t they fought for entrance into one of the most pre-eminent schools so they could advance themselves as women? How could she, as they put it, “throw it all away”? My mom always thought the fight was for equality and choice, but apparently she was wrong.
I have to ask something to anyone who believes this state of mind: How is having a child spend most of their day with a highly educated person a bad thing? More importantly, how is having a child spend most of their day with a loving parent not always a good thing?
This idea that somehow staying at home is for the uneducated is not only insulting to everyone, it feeds a system that erroneously dictates what being a mother should look like based on socio-economic status, like:
- If you’re rich but didn’t get an advanced degree, you’re the ideal candidate to stay at home.
- If you’re rich but got an advanced degree, you’re wasting your education by staying at home and that’s a bad thing for you, your children, and women in general.
- If you’re middle-class, you have the right to choose what you want to do, but we’ll think you’re strange and something’s wrong with you if you aren’t out there working to “contribute” to your household and your upward mobility.
- If you’re poor, regardless of education, you can’t stay at home, you should be out working no matter what, and putting your kids in substandard daycare because we as a society don’t really trust you.
For men, it’s even narrower:
- No matter what you are or what education you had, you should be working.
This is ridiculous people. Not only is it just wrong, it fuels a fire between those who work and those who don’t for no reason whatsoever (after all, apples and oranges are different but neither is superior per se, it’s personal preference and what you need). If you can find a way to stay home with your children and you want to, do it, mom or dad. If your work is necessary to your survival, work. If your work is something that you truly feel needs to be a part of your life, keep it as a part of your life either by continuing working or finding a way to do it from home or part-time or whatever. In fact, I would say that no matter who you are, if there’s a way to spend more time with your children, especially when they are young, it is something you will never regret.
Having a loving, caring parent at home is a wonderful thing for every child. It’s sadly not possible in our society for every family to do this, but it is never a bad thing. In many countries, it’s seen as the ideal and society works to make this possible, through longer parental leaves, flexibility in part time work or working from home, and a society that is all-around more conducive to a family being, well, a family.
Can we cut the crap about who should or should not be staying at home with the kids based on things like education and wealth? Can we not focus on making sure every child has the opportunity to have a parent or an otherwise loving caregiver take care of them? Here’s the new societal take I’d like to see, for both mothers and fathers:
If you want to be with your children, you can. Love them, spend time with them, play with them, cuddle with them, leave them to play by themselves, teach them new skills, have them help around the house, do everything that you might regret not doing later. Your children will benefit from their time with you and no one should tell you that your key responsibility is to anyone other than your family. How this will look will depend on if you’re at home full-time, part-time, work from home, or work out of the house, but it’s all possible if you make it a priority, regardless of wealth or education or sex. Hopefully, as a society, we’ll structure things that all of this is possible for you, even if there will be sacrifices on your end as well (like living more prudently or accepting fewer promotions).
Remember, the greatest gifts you can give your children are (a) your time and love and (b) to be true to yourself. Balancing them can be hard, but if you can do it, you’ll have found the recipe for a very happy, loving household.
Thanks for starting this conversation. I know exactly how your friend feels, though I am behind her on the timeline. I have an Engineering degree and work at a nuclear plant with a VERY lucrative and stable job. I also make more than my husband does, and EVERYONE is telling me it would be an “absolute waste” for me to choose to stay home when our kid is born. I hear everything from it being a waste, to it hurting feminism (or the idea of women in STEM fields), to it being financially stupid, but nobody ever asks what I actually WANT in the situation. Does anyone ever say “is it possible for you to afford it?” or “is that what you really want?” without any sort of judgement/condemnation? no. They don’t. We will have to be frugal; we will have to live simply (oh darn); but it’s very possible, and what’s more, it’s what I want more than anything. So instead of telling people I’m “quitting”, I’ve started telling them I’m retiring or making a career swap to “Homeschool Teacher”. I find it funny and it takes them a good few moments before they realize what I mean and by then some of the awkward has been diffused. I hope to stay strong through all the hateful and judgmental comments I know will continue to come my way, but, in the end, I’ll look to my little child’s smile as a reminder I’m doing what I want and not what society arbitrarily decided for me.
It is not that simple, is it? Some days you feel like staying home with your children would definitly be the best choice, some days you do and feel incredibly bored and empty and need something more. Other days you leave them at day care and it feels nothing short of neglect.
It’s not only about how society views your choices. It’s about how to choose when you whish you could have it all. In the end, you choose the least regret, and learn to live with it.
I am close to retiring after 30 years of working full-time. I have had a great career, but treasure the 10 years I stayed at home until my youngest was in school. I had it all, just not all at once!
Yes – I always remind myself that I hopefully will “have it all” just at different time points 🙂
Similarly, I have had the awesome ability to work part time. I have 2 advance degrees, and find myself digging for much more brain power on the days I’m home. I love some days and hate some days (work and home interchangeable there) but wouldn’t change a thing. Its a wonderful, though not always available, option!
One of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is the same gift we can give to ourselves: to be true to our calling. By tapping into our Internal Guidance System (IGS) parents can decide what is in THEIR best interests, and then how to apply that for their specific family situation.
No one, mother or father, should be made to feel like they should have to stay at home with their kids. Nor should they be told they have to stay on a career path they chose before having children.
Our lives are not a straight path, but one that meanders quite beautifully. Continually tap into your IGS to see when it is time to shift gears, stay the course, or jump back a bit.
No matter what our job title (love the Homeschool teacher!) we will have days that are wonderful and days that are…not so much. It is up to us to make the most of them and to follow our heart, wherever that leads us.
[…] On over-educated stay-at-home moms – sometimes i feel bad not being able to financially contribute to our household and the current societal norm that women can balance both motherhood and a flourishing career leaves me feel insecure about myself. until i remind myself that i just have to do my best where i am and eff the people who make me feel bad about my own choices. […]
I am a Physician. And I was a SAHM and then homeschooled for 13 yrs and those were the best years, the smartest decision and best for our whole family. It was quite the opposite, not a waste of my education, it was the ideal use of my education. Who has more motivation and interest in my children than I do? Who should reap the benefits of my skills and knowledge more than my own family, especially my children?
As far as not financially contributing to the household. You do. When you are home, there are much lower expenses, you are of course saving the child care, next all the convenience and self-reward costs that inevitably happen when both are working f/t. Beyond that, I was able to shop at garage sales and never bought clothing new for our four children, in fact made money and had a few cottage business. As they grow, it continued to save on aftercare costs and now they are in college, the dividends have multiplied as their great early start has turned into full ride scholarships. Saving on college is a good return. And even if that didn’t happen, that corny commercial is true. childcare is x dollars, convenience dinners are x dollars, an emotionally secure and intellectually stimulated child is priceless.
I feel more strongly about this because I see the other side of the coin as a Child Psychiatrist. This is worth every sacrifice to make it possible.
I am starting my doctoral research on SAHM’s with a Master’s Degree or higher. This is a great article and there is ample research and literature to support many of the claims of this article. Very well written and a conversation worth promoting!
Hi Valerie, I am a SAHM with a J.D. and a M.A. and would be very interested in learning more about what your doctoral research revealed. I think it’s an area not much talked about and with few of us out there, it can be isolating. Your post was over a year ago but if I can be of any assistance with your research, I would also be interested.
Valerie,
I’m just reading your post and I too would love to read your dissertation when it’s complete. I am a SAHM with two masters’ degrees (second one is nearly complete). I would love to learn more about your findings.
Valerie, I realize your original post was from 2015 but am curious what came of your research. Would you be willing to share your findings? I am transitioning to be. SAHM and I have two masters degrees. Making this leap is intimidating to say the least.
I have a PhD from a prestigious university in the UK and I am a SAHM. I couldn’t be happier with my decision to stay home and I could not think of a better way for my son to start his life.
A DVM with a PhD and I’m lucky enough to be at home with my 1yr old. I had this conversation with my old phd supervisor the other day, I want to return to accademia but not until the kid (s hopefully) are older….there will still be many more years to make a career…ok I may never make professor but it’s a deal I’m willing to make to get these years with my baby!
I couldn’t agree more with this article. Chelsea you are right when you say that some stay at home moms can feel like being a slave. I speak from experience and not only that but some days I feel all lonely but knowing how many expenses are cut by taking care of my own children I can only say: worth it. Kids are a job no doubt and if you need side income you can check workfromhomenewsletter com (not affiliated with them that’s why I don’t link) I got an online job there a while ago.
I don’t see anybody making what should be a very obvious point. By continuing your education you took that opportunity away from someone else. If you got accepted to college, graduate school, whatever, you took the place of someone who could have benefitted far more from it than you did.
A) That suggests that someone’s plans can’t change which is ridiculous. Many people switch careers, some by choice and some not.
B) Are you suggesting that because someone doesn’t use a degree how you or society thinks they should, there is no value to it? Do you not value obtaining knowledge? Sharing it with others, especially the next generation? Historically obtaining knowledge was considered of value and many of us still encourage our children to do the same.
Tracy,
A.) Many people switch careers, yes. However it is important to recognize that there are costs of doing so, not just to you but to the people around you.
B) Learning and obtaining knowledge are by no means valueless. But the point is there is limited availability in post-secondary education and someone who opts out of the labor force after only a few years realizes a lot less value from an education than someone who doesn’t.
A plumbing certification for example, is much more valuable to a plumber who makes his or her livelihood with it than it is to someone who doesn’t. That isn’t to say it has no value to the non-plumber. Maybe he or she really enjoys knowing how to fix faucets, etc. But if there are a limited number of certifications available, it is a waste to have them held by people who aren’t using them for their primary occupation. Especially if there are a great deal of people who want to be full-time plumbers and are unable to do so because they cannot not obtain the necessary certification.
Here’s what I suggest: Encourage your daughters to consider the pros and cons of a college education, including the cost they impose on others. Encourage intelligent young women to prioritize being wives and mothers.
Hmmm… I am a male physician who decided to work part-time because I have small child and I enjoy raising him. My wife is MD/Phd and she stayed home for 11 month with our baby and now works 2 days a week. I hope it’s OK with you, John
This framing is completely backwards given that there are way more PhD students and postdocs than there are tenure-track academic positions. Given the current funding environment, taking a PhD spot and then using it to do literally anything other than apply for academic positions is an important public service. Better yet if you want to spend a couple years as a postdoc before dropping out of the labor market. Maybe the numbers work out differently for plumbers though.
I love this and so needed this article at this juncture in my parenting and career journey. I think I found my answer. Thank you.
[…] of not having enough mental stimulation (some moms even struggle with feeling like they’re “too educated” to be “just” stay at home moms) or personal satisfaction. No matter how much you love being home with your […]
Tracy this article is great (and thought provoking considering my own writing). I’m a SAHM in Australia where I have access to reasonable government support and we are financially able to do this. However, my eldest goes to daycare 3 days a week and I’m studying an honours degree. For me.a balance of part time “work” is important for my.mental state. My eldest is on the autism spectrum, we were home for 18 months but his hyperactivity and intensity were extremely draining, and thus this balance means the time we do spend together is high quality as I have had a break.
Yes!!! I have people question my decision to stay at home, saying “Awww but what about your [Doctoral] degree? You’ll want to use your brain at some point!”
a). Who could be better qualified to care for a baby or child than their (often educated) parents?
b). To imply that SAH parents don’t use their brains is insulting…and ignores the vital importance of pursuits of the heart like SAH parenting.
[…] of not having enough mental stimulation (some moms even struggle with feeling like they’re “too educated” to be “just” stay at home moms) or personal satisfaction. No matter how much you love being home with your children (although […]
I know this is an old post, but I want to comment how much I love this. I became a STAHM after teaching 5 years. I am getting the itch to go back to school because my oldest two are in school, and I’m home with the baby with some down time. This is such a wonderful perspective and want to thank you for sharing this.