Although we have the strong misconception in our society that babies are supposed to sleep through the night from an early age, luckily there are a lot of people that are aware that until your baby does this on his or her own (and some do it early, but most don’t), it is not a biological normal state of affairs. They wake for many, many reasons . However, many of these same people seem to draw the line at toddlerhood. After all, they aren’t babies anymore and these parents have been promised better sleep as time goes by, right?
“Why is my toddler still waking at night?!” They demand.
Well, I’m here to offer some answers that focus on the very normal reasons your toddler might be waking (i.e., these are not dealing with health issues that can cause disrupted sleep; if your child has health concerns, please speak to a specialist to determine if these concerns are likely to cause sleep disruptions so you address the underlying issues, and you can use my screening tool here to see if there are any potential issues)…
They want to nurse. Nursing isn’t only for babies, you know. Toddlers nurse and toddlers nurse at night, just like they did when they were little. Granted, night feeds decrease with age and often toddlers are better at the “dream feed” (when they roll over and latch without waking) if you’re bedsharing. In fact, if you’re following child-led weaning, estimates from cultures around the world where this is the case would suggest a natural weaning time of between 3 and 5 years of age[1] and as such, we can expect some night nursing for these toddlers.
They are hungry. Even if your toddler isn’t nursing, they are growing at an astounding rate. Parents often forget that although toddlers are not growing at the rate babies do, it is still far greater than we remember. In addition, the brain activity at this time is actually greater than that of adults: Toddlers’ brains utilize up to two times the glucose that an adult brain uses, depending on age[2]. How do they get glucose? Why food of course. [If you have a toddler who is waking regularly and is complaining of hunger, I would recommend making sure he or she has a high-fat nighttime snack. Avocado, peanut butter, and high-fat yogurt are all options that may help your child sleep a bit longer before waking.]
They are teething. Often our babies adjust to teething after the first few teeth come in. We get complacent as parents because of this and think that the stage “has passed”. We forget about some of the most painful teeth to come in: Molars. Molars coming in can disrupt sleep for as long as it takes for them to come down. There are actually two types of molars: The first often comes in just past a year while the second comes in around two years of age, but can be around age 3 for some kids. If your child is still nursing, you may expect some increase in nursing, especially at night, but regardless you can probably expect some restless sleep. Unfortunately your child may not be able to articulate what is bothering them so if you see this behaviour, you may want to keep this in mind.
They need to go to the bathroom. Toilet learning is commonly done in toddlerhood. This includes nighttime learning for many kids. Now, some children will go all night without needing to go to the bathroom, but many won’t. If you ask around to the adults you know, how many go all night without waking to pee at least once? I would hazard it’s not a majority. If our toddlers are well-hydrated, they too will need to pee and will wake. Some parents get confused because they have their child in a diaper at night, but many toddlers will want out of a wet diaper even at night if they are used to being dry during the day (which we hope they are). Even if you’re using disposables, some kids will be aware that they peed and want the diaper off, meaning they need to wake to accomplish this. Regardless, the step forward of having a toddler who is no longer in diapers does mean the possible step back of waking regularly to make sure your toddler hits the toilet (or change the sheets in the case of an accident). One additional thing is that this can also lead to fitful sleep. If you find your toddler tossing and turning a lot, this may be a cause and a simple diaper change or trip to the bathroom may be all the fix you need.
They are scared. More so than babies, toddlers have nightmares. They get scared of the dark, scared of the loud noises, the shadows, thunder, and more. In fact, nightmares are more common in children under six than any other age group[3], likely because they have the cognitive awareness to notice a lot about their world without the cognitive capacity to truly integrate all the knowledge needed to put things into context. This could mean their brain has to process a lot of information, some which may seem scary, at night. Regardless, lots of parents report nightmares in their toddlers (75% of parents in one study[4]) and the best thing to do is comfort them to get them back to sleep.
They don’t want to sleep alone. Toddlerhood is also the usual time when a child either (a) transitions to a new bed (crib to toddler bed) or (b) leaves the family bed for his/her own room. Both of these transitions can lead to changes. In the first case, as soon as the toddlers can “get out” of the toddler bed (something they presumably couldn’t do in the crib), some parents report their toddler coming into their room almost nightly. Toddlers that have been in the family bed or room and who are now in their own room may not be ready for this transition and also seek to return to the family bed. Regardless of the reason, the waking to come to the parental bed is often a sign of separation anxiety, which is quite normal in this age-range[5]. If you can, bear with it to help instill feelings of security.
They are experiencing a cognitive leap. In line with the increased brain development mentioned in terms of food, there’s also the issue of, well, increased brain development (as there is in infancy as well). This development leads to what have been termed “cognitive leaps” where we see children experience massive growth in their psychological, cognitive, or social development[6]. Sleep regressions are common during these leaps so parents may experience greater night wakings, nightmares, or separation anxiety. You can read about sleep regressions here.
They are following our age-old sleeping pattern of two sleeps. Although we currently live in a society of one, long sleep period, it didn’t used to be like this. Humans used to regularly have two sleeps, the first 4-5 hours followed by an awake period of 1-2 hours (or longer) then another sleep period or 4-5 hours[7]. I will be the first to accept that this does not work well with our modern day society and structure, but keeping your child in the dark and hoping they go back to sleep isn’t helpful either for a couple reasons. One, it probably won’t work. Two, children who spend too long in the dark playing around make associations between bed and play instead of bed and sleep, which we know from work with adults is a problem[8]. If you can roll with it, often these stages pass as our children adjust to our artificial light and longer daytime awake periods, but it can take patience. You can read one mom’s story about this here.
They just are. The 3-year longitudinal study by Marsha Weinraub and colleagues[9] showed us that by a year (the end of “infancy”), over half of children were still waking regularly at night. Specifically, 67% of kids at 15 months were waking at least 1 night per week (with 12% waking every night), at 24 months, 64% were waking at least 1 night per week (9% waking every night), and at 36 months, 62% were waking at least 1 night per week (6.5% waking every night). However, the trajectory for a given child isn’t so clear. These researchers also found that 66% of toddlers were what they called “sleepers”, meaning that the number of wakings they had were steady across the 3 year period; the other 34% were “transitional sleepers”, meaning the children showed a steady decline in wakings over the 3 years. If you haven’t seen much of a change in your child, it may be this is your child’s sleep pattern, but if you’ve seen decreases with time, know that your child is probably heading towards fewer wakings, but just at a slower rate than all those kids other people talk about. And that’s okay. Of note is that all the aforementioned reasons will be included in this study, but I’m sure some of these kids just wake because they do.
***
As with infant sleep, there are some considerations to make here. If your child is waking in pain—squirming, screaming, etc.—then you need to consider something physically wrong. The list here, although for infants, is actually applicable to toddlers as well and the possible causes for bad sleep are worth looking into. The other consideration is that sometimes there may be gentle ways to guide your toddler’s sleep when you know there are no physical or health issues that could be impeding their sleep. The are some suggestions in this series here as well. However, it is supremely important to mention that, as with infant sleep, having a toddler who wakes is entirely normal. Your toddler isn’t trying to make you mad or frustrated, so please take a deep breath and respond.
Even thought I co sleep and nurse my toddler I love this website because there are times when his sleep has been particularly bad and I wonder if I am doing the right thing. My toddler has always woken every 2-3-4 hours since birth so looks like nothing is going to change in the near future 🙁
He is high needs and cannot calm himself on his own. So when he is awake he is awake. That’s one reason why he wakes constantly. His mind is so active even when he sleeps that he wakes and then he is awake and needs help falling back to sleep!
This is a very timely article! My son is 4 (so not a toddler any more) but comes to our room on average twice a night. He has very real stomach issues which wake him at night, but I should still not let him into our room/ bed because “it will cause so many problems” . Never mind that he is usually in an enormous amount of pain, I should figure out a way to get him from not seeking the comfort of his parents at night. Sticker reward charts and a lock on his door (!) have been the most frequent suggestions. We have been under the care of various pediatric specialists because of very real physical symptoms that accompany this pain but people are still very firm that I shouldn’t respond to him at night because I “need sleep”. We also respond to our healthy daughter at night when she needs/wants us. This article reminds me that at least some people feel like that’s a good thing,so thank you! I do realize this isn’t fully relevant but we’ve been given so much bad sleep advice lately that I needed something like this!
I’m so sorry that those are the responses you’re getting! Please know you are 100% doing the right thing for both your children 🙂 I hope his pain subsides soon, but I’m so happy he has you and your partner in the meantime!
I’m so sorry you are going through this! My daughter still has reflux issues at two and still wakes at night. It is so much better though. In the beginning someone gave me a babywise book. hahaha! She could not lay down she was in so much pain. She did not lay down on her own until she was several months old. I understand the bad advice train. Do what you need to do and what you feel is right!! I hope your son gets some relief!
Hello Tracy, great article, thank you. I wondered about your thoughts on waking or stirring associated with ‘processing what’s been going on during waking hours’? I share a family bed with 3 year old twins and have noticed that the wee small hours are a time when my little fellows will talk about things they found difficult that day, or wordlessly seek the comfort and closeness they need. I am not sure they are always awake – sometimes I just catch enough words to connect the dots to an experience they’ve had. It doesn’t seem exactly like dreaming – the communication is quite concrete and direct – but it isn’t total wakefulness either. Either way a cuddle or dozy chat usually seems to help. This nighttime attentiveness is sometimes a bit tiring for me, and yet I still feel like it’s one of the great advantages of a family bed – that carers can be immediately responsive to this kind of nighttime ‘working through’ of experiences. Do you think this might be something that’s part of the development of little humans (and human parents!) and of the evolution of humans generally?
On reflection, I’d add crying at night to the list too. A better word than processing might also be revisiting. It seems to me that children return to experiences they are trying to make sense of, and the beauty of sleeping beside your child is that you can offer comfort and help when they do – maybe in a way you couldn’t during the day. Everyone gets a second chance to make connections.
Actually processing is the best word. There is ample evidence that we consolidate and process daily events during sleep which is why it’s important to sleep well before tests and why lack of sleep can lead to us “forgetting” certain events. The role of sleep in memory and creating schemas is well-known and that extends to toddlerhood. I agree with how nice it is to be there in the bed to help as needed – we do the same thing ourselves 🙂
Thank you for this article. Our daughter is 3 1/2 years old and she’s been sleeping in her own bed since she was born. We bought a real bed almost a year ago and she’s been sleeping well until recently. She started to wake up multiple times at night and will go to our room. Reasons started with common excuses that are not really there but she just wants to sleep in our bed. We will usually soothe her and put her back to bed but doing this is really exhausting. She is exhausted too during the day. We adjusted her sleep and made it later. Her naps were shortened as well. It came to a point she did this over a dozen times one I couldn’t function well in the morning. I then decided to get tough and lock our door at night. This comes with a talk to her every night that we will not open our door until morning and she just have to get back to her room on her own. We bought her an alarm clock that will tell her when it is morning (6 am) and it will be ok to come to us. It has been a few days. My husband thinks I’m being cruel by letting her cry. She does cry sometimes and lasts about 5-10 minutes then go back to bed but I believe it is beneficial to her as well because she needs a full night sleep. Letting her get up multiple times a night won’t help her. Am I wrong? She gets enough attention during the day and was never neglected.
I have sent you a private email.
Oh my god. Really?
[…] the first wake up which is usually shortly after we go to bed sometimes later. You are not alone. Reasons Toddlers Wake (and Sometimes Cry) At Night | Evolutionary Parenting | Where History Meets Sc… it's a totally natural thing that sleep training has squashed out. It's a personal parenting […]
[…] https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/reasons-toddlers-wake-at-night/ […]
My 4 year old son goes to bed at 630 all the time and always seems to get me up around 11 crying cus he needs a wee but he will go bak to bed his this normal for a 4 year old to do this has he has been out of nappys now since 2 years old and i just cant expain it it like getting up with a bby again my daugter who his 5 i havent had this problem with her
Is it normal for him to get up to go pee? Absolutely!
He may be going to bed too early. I would suggest around 8pm. Take him to wee before heading to bed. Although siblings, each one is different in their own way.
thanks for thr article, it help us to understand better our 2 years daughter. she is waking up between 3 to 4 times at night, and time to time 7 times. we have been co-sleeping and still breast feeding but things are getting worse for me as I am not getting any sleep at all and this sleep drevipration is killing me. I am start to think she has a sleep issue, could be? or a health issue? even so that looks like and she look healthy to me.
I am consider to night weaning so I could get sleep time to time and she won’t depend of me during the night as much as now. So far I’m frustrated (with my self no being able to cope better) and very tired, I am not function very well during the day and some days I don’t have patience at all, what can I do?
I offer consultations if you’re interested in going into more detail – it’s almost impossible to know what to recommend without knowing more details and that takes time to go through.
I recommend reading ToddlerCalm too though if you’re able to get your hands on a copy!
Thanks Tracy for your reply.
I got ToddlerCalm book – just need the time to read that chapter again… 🙂
And find time to book a consultations, thanks so much.
Laura
Hi,
I feel for you but rest will come. My question is, how and what is she eating during the day? Now that she is 2, start weaning her off the breast. I hope this helps a bit. If she seems hungry, feed her banana/milk. More info actually needed here to help better.
Hi Tracy, really hoping that you will be able to assist… I have a 2 1/2 year old son and am 7 months pregnant. My son has been waking up every hour at night in a fit of rage which lasts between 5 minutes and 20 minutes. We’ve tried changing his diet because he has a couple of food sensitivities, we’ve tried homeopathic sleep remedies, well – just about everything and nothing seems to help. We really worried about him and would really appreciate any advise for our precious little boy…
I’ve sent you an email 🙂
Hi, I have the same problem as loiuse. I have a 1 1/2 yr old son who has eczema, food allergies, does not eat well, wakes up literally every hour crying and then starts itching. Sometimes its the scratching sound that wakes me up. I give him a shower before bed time and keep moisturizers always handy. He cosleeps with me and when he wakes up he wants to be put to be put to sleep only by me and not by my husband, as soon as he realizes its my husband he cries bitterly though during the day time he plays with him , takes him out for a walk to the park, feeds him but when it comes to going off to sleep he only needs me. after he wakes up I have to rock him to put him back to sleep, which takes sometimes 20-45 mins. In the meantime my husband yells as his sleep is getting frequently disturbed. To add to all this now Im 3 mths pregnant and feel too tired and my back hurts due to frequent waking up and rocking him .Im just so worried thinking about the time when the new born and my elder will be crying together and ill be sitting pulling my hair out. Im so stressed even by the thought of it. I would also like to know should I get my son into the habit of sleeping in his bed so by the time the new born comes he will be independent so i can move my elder one to another room, kindly advise this desperate and frustrated but proud mom
It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on at the moment. All I can say from this brief bit is that you can absolutely start the process of moving your son to see how it goes. I do offer consultations if you’d like to discuss more in depth what’s going on and what some solutions to the variety of issues might be (except the eczema and medical issues as you need to consult your doctor about that though we can discuss how they influence sleep and crying and other behaviours).
Hi, I would suggest cutting out the baths. My 2 year old was having the same problem with eczema and itching at night and my doctor suggested that I try giving her a bath every 3-4 days. This has helped a lot because daily baths can really dry out the skin even more and exacerbate the symptoms caused by eczema. I also would recommend moisturizing your babys skin a couple of times a day.
[…] From a baby’s point of view it is developmentally normal to wake up at night at least through the first year and maybe for quite a while longer. At first babies mostly wake for breastmilk at night (they are trying to double their birthweight in six months; they need to eat often!). Later babies and toddlers might wake from hunger, loneliness or any of the reasons we might wake up ourselves as adults—whether needing a drink, the toilet, too hot or too cold, having toothache, a bad dream, being poorly and more. Evolutionary Parenting has summarised some of the Reasons Babies Cry and Wake at Night and Reasons Toddlers Wake (and Sometimes Cry) At Night. […]
What about room temptature. I am lead to believe that toddlers can’t regulate their body temperature as well as adults. As a result if their room is either too cold or too cold, they will wake. Is this true and what are the ideal temptature ranges for toddlers room? Thank you 🙂
What about room temptature. I am lead to believe that toddlers can’t regulate their body temperature as well as adults. As a result if their room is either too cold or too hot, they will wake. Is this true and what are the ideal temptature ranges for toddlers room? Thank you
The ideal varies based on climate – in the summer, you would often go for cooler than you would in the winter, but around 68-70 degrees is cited as being ideal, though that’s too hot for my daughter 🙂
You are right, temperature is very common cause, reason #4 in this article:
http://babycennter.com/why-do-babies-cry-in-their-sleep/
I found out, it can be also noise and color of the overall room environment.
My almost four year old daughter went for an evaluation with a development paediatrician just a couple days ago. He asked about sleep and I said that we are co-sleeping and that she breastfeeds a few times a night. He then said that he is going to refer me to a social worker to help me get my daughter to sleep without breastfeeding. I already know that I am going to be resistant to any advice this social worker is going to have. What can I do to get them off my back about this?
Thank you for this article. I am an exhausted mom, but which mom isn’t? Many people have played expert on how my toddler should be put to bed, it’s driving me crazy. I went to a doctor yesterday to check if I had ear infection (I presented the symptoms). And what he did was giving me inappropriate unsolicited parenting advice on how to put my son to bed, by explaining to him that he shouldn’t expect a breastfee and that he must sleep. Gah! explain that to a toddler! And on top of that he was sure I need anti-depressants. Good grief! I should have just gone to a massage therapist that would have cost the same, but I would have been relaxed and gotten some needed sleep instead, and then go home happy to my toddler.
The fact is I have to trust my gut feelings since I know my son the best. He goes through sleep stages. There were periods when his sleeps were unbroken, but more often than not he wakes up at night although less and less. Nothing that we did or didn’t do change anything. He’s like that. His development is wonderful, ahead in some areas. Plus he is just a very curious little person. So much to process during his night sleep. But although I’ve known that, every now and then I need to stumble upon articles like this that help me get my perspective back. Thank you.
I wanted to thank you for this article. I co-sleep with my 17 month old son and plan to continue to breast feed until he wants to stop. He is a very happy child during the day. He wakes a few times at night, usually to breast feed, but recently he also starts to cry a little as well. I was a little concerned and went online to look up common reasons for this (just to reassure myself that his cries aren’t something I should be overly concerned with). I found a blog on sleep and toddlers and was astounded by its claims that most babies should be able to “sleep through the night by 9 months of age.” Really? The comments by parents and doctors on the blog speak of the kids as if they were pawns: “move them out of the room and they’ll stop crying.” I was so relieved when I found this blog. Reading it brought back my sanity and made me feel that what I am doing is natural and normal. So thank you so much.
You’re welcome! Sadly our society doesn’t support or acknowledge basic infant biology, instead focusing on pushing infant biology to suit our needs. Hopefully we can see a change in this in our lifetime!!
Excellent article!
[…] Cassels, PhD from Evolutionary Parenting has some surprising and very interesting […]
I just experienced a very exhausting night with my 16 month old son. We co-sleep and have a fairly regular routine, where I flip over s few times throughout the night to breastfeed him. Of course, there are nights where he fidgets or doesn’t sleep as soundly, but last night (I’m writing this with no sleep myself), the situation was completely different.
After he fell asleep in my arms, I made the transition to our bed as usual. The movement woke him up and he was hysterical. It was almost as if an exorcism was being performed on my child. Screaming, drooling, slapping at my husband and I. After ten minutes, I was able to console him and he fell back asleep. I considered taking him to the hospital as a result of this frantic, bizarre behavior.
An hour lady it happened again, and the cycle repeated 2x more. He’s currently asleep right now and I’m fretting the moment he wakes up.
No fever, but drooling and touching his face during the chaos. We also just finished up a hectic holiday week, where his regular nap times were disturbed, and I was stressed to the max!
I read up on night terrors, and his behavior sounds similar. He’s also making big cognitive leaps, new words and skills are blowing us away in just the past few days — perhaps that may be related.
His crying and craziness is a scary spectacle for an overly worried fiest time mom such as myself. Help!
This is an age at which night terrors begin and it may be that. If it continues, I would recommend checking with your pediatrician, but remember night is a weird time for all of us 🙂 You’re doing great 🙂
This article was really interesting. My daughter had been co sleeping in our bed and we tried several times to move her to her own room but she would invariably come into ours in the night, every night. We were given dire warnings about how she was too old to sleep in our bed and needed to get used to hers, rod for our own backs etc. Then, when she was five she suddenly became dry and a few months later began sleeping through the night in her own bed, of her own accord. Now I realise there is no hurry, she did it when her little body was ready. We now live in China where it’s considered perfectly normal to bed share in early childhood!
So I’ve followed your blog since my 3.5 year old was born. At the time, I appreciated your perspective on cosleeping, breastfeeding, and gentle parenting. I happily breastfed my son until two and we’ve been cosleeping all this time. I imagined that as my son got older, he would easily move into his own bed as he felt ready. Unfortunately, cosleeping hasn’t been working for us for several months and we need a change. My husband and I both work full time and my son spends all day in preschool, which he usually enjoys. But he naps during the day and is taking over an hour to fall asleep at night. During that final hour, he’s restless and unruly, not falling asleep until 10pm. My husband and I have no time for basic conversation and our marriage is suffering because of it. I’m disappointed to realize that gentle cosleeping is only for mothers who have the privilege of staying home. So now I’m in a bad situation and would appreciate some advice on how to gently teach our 3.5 year old son to put himself to sleep. Thank you
I’ve sent you an email to the email you listed here.
Thanks for this article. It’s bolstered my resolve.
Hi Tracy,
I’ve never commented on any articles I’ve read but it seems as though you’re quick and up to date with comments and reply and we need help!
Our 21 month old is having rough nights here and there (waking up crying and inconsolable.. it’s gotten to the point where sometimes there seems to literally be nothing I can do but just lay there next to him and ride it out). I’m also 9 months pregnant with our second son so I’m really starting to worry..
On top of this, my husband seems to struggle with sleep and is almost like Jekel and Hyde when he is woken at night by our son’s crying. He is amazing with him and so patient during the day but like a completely different person in the middle of the night and will raise his voice at him to stop crying, he’ll storm out of the room and stomp back and fourth in the hallway to the living room (our house is very small and wood floors so all sound travels) and slams the door. All of this, to me, makes it worse and scares my son more but in the moment, my husband seems to believe that our son needs to understand that he’s got to just stop crying and calm down. (I don’t even believe that they’re THAT in control of their emotions and the way they feel yet to be able to just do that so this drives me crazy!)
So we’re in a tough spot and I’m becoming so overtired and feel defeated, between not being able to console my son and understand what’s sending him into such a panic at night, and also not being able to reason with my husband about how he reacts to our son waking and crying. I should add that he’s always apologetic the next day and almost as though he doesn’t remember being so angry in the middle of the night. Like I said, completely different person so I’m wondering if he’s having some sleep troubles of his own?
I’d also like to mention that our son has started a few days of daycare after being home with me until about 19 months old. He has been sleeping pretty well but this waking and crying started to get worse when he was sick a few weeks back (bad cough in the night which would start the fits and seemed undersrandable) but also seems to happen the night after the day he goes back to daycare after a weekend. He goes Tues, We’d, Thurs so then Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon at home with me.. wondering if it’s just part of transitioning and having a more stimulating day on Tuesday? So it’s now Wednesday morning and last night was pretty awful. I just need to talk with someone who can shed some light on all of this and maybe help my husband to see that this can be normal and to be expected with toddlers and that getting angry in the middle of the night is by no means helpful to the situation. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
I have sent you an email 🙂
Just found your blog when searching for some sleeping/weaning info. I’ve got a 2.5 yr old and he now sleeps on a mattress on our bedroom floor. I’ve fed him everytime he’s cried since birth (and co-slept) and he’s still waking every 1 or 2 hours for a feed. Then after I go to bed he comes into our bed when he wakes next. I don’t actually know/remember how often he wakes after I go to bed (LOL!) but I feel as if he sleeps for much longer when we’re co-sleeping. In the last few months I’ve noticed that he occasionally stirs and goes back to sleep, so there’s some progress. So can you re-assure me that this is ‘normal’? I know every child is different but I would like to think he’ll be self-weaned and sleeping through the night in the near future. Thanks for your time.
It sounds very similar to my daughter 🙂 At around 3 was when she started regularly sleeping through so hopefully it comes up! We bedshared for what it’s worth, and we also found out later she had a missed lip tie when younger so suboptimal latch (though still good enough) but that may have affected things in our case. But what you describe is still quite normal and as long as you’re not bothered by it, it’s a-okay 🙂
Hi Tracy,
I usually never commented on things like this but reading this article and people’s own stories in the comments I see that maybe you may just be able to help and give some great advice. So hopefully you can.
I am a stay at home mother to my 25 month old son who has been having pretty bad nights since his 2nd Birthday a little over a month ago where he’s waking up crying and then hysterically inconsolable. There’s literally nothing I feel I can do more. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes there seems to be nothing I can do but just leave the room and let him cry it out. But he’s constantly up as soon as I put him down.
My husband and I are both struggling with sleep and in arguments about this. I’m mainly the one to get up and try to console our son. For whatever reason when my husband goes in he’s even worse so it falls on my shoulders. With that being said I admit I can get frustrated because I can’t dissect what’s causing him to get up every night practically. By the 3rd to 4th time I’m doing lots of breathing exercises so I don’t lose my cool and raise my voice. I know it doesn’t help and I’m not trying to make it worse mainly for my son. I know he may not understand how to control himself and his emotions, having night terrors, separation anxiety, etc…but lack of sleep is wearing me thin.
It’s like the newborn stages. We are both exhausted and just feel like there’s no hope since we are trying so hard to console him and understand him at the same time and nothing is working.
It might be helpful to know that a couple weeks before his 2nd Birthday he was sick with an ear infection so we ended up using a humidifier that had a night light show on it (no music). So since he was sick and not sleeping well we started to put it on and it seemed to help. But now it sadly seems like he requires it and constantly says “stars on” when I try to keep it off. He’s down for bed at 8:30 but takes about an hour to fall asleep. His wake time is usually anywhere from 3-5am. Also still getting up 2-3 times during those hours. Even waking up earlier in the morning around 6:45-7am when his normal usually is 8-8:30am.
We recently went to the pediatrician for his regular check up and brought this up and his only suggestion was transitioning to a toddler bed but my husband and I feel like it would just make things worse (I.e. He really would never go to sleep) and also don’t feel he’s ready for that big change.
I’m really just looking for some guidance and someone to talk with who can help us understand or just explain that this is somewhat normal.
Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
I’ve sent you an email so please check spam if you don’t get it.
Thank you, thank you! I have a 24 month old, who is struggling with night wakings at the moment. She joins my husband and I in bed most nights (The times vary), and has done since she was small. I have no desire to stop co sleeping (other than space, but we get round this by using the spare room with one of the adults in there!), but lots of people keep telling me she is not sleeping through because we co sleep. Her night wakings may be teething, it might be night terrors. We are at a loss. All we do at the moment is ride it out. She screams from anything from 5 minutes to about an hour. And she demands, different blankets, books or breakfast, inconsolably. We will always try and give her water (very occasionally milk) and which ever teddy/blanket she wants, but we don’t start stories or give into her demands to come downstairs and eventually she falls back asleep.
Are we doing anything wrong? Should we be doing anything else? We calm her, but she rarely wants touching. And we put her in which ever bed we see as best at the time. I know for a fact she is teething, and I also know she has a good level of language and I wonder what she is trying to process.
Ideas/help would be ace…or just some reassurance.
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I am experiencing the same thing with my 2.5 year old except I don’t believe she is teething. During the day she communicates fine but at night, she’ll sleep for a couple hours then she wakes up screaming and demanding inconsolably much like Beth described (5 mins to an hour, demanding toys, blankets, us to lay down, etc.) Then when we do give in she moves on to something else. Touching to console often makes things worse. My DH and I are at such a loss and nearing our wits end because of lack of sleep. ?
Is the screaming like night terrors? Can you email me?
TRACY! Seems like youre the woman with answers 🙂 I never comment, just troll haha. HOWEVER, I am having severe issues with my 2 year old. I’ve been to the doctor and have asked for suggestions as to how to help my daughter sleep in the night. She wakes EVERY single night anywhere between 7-16 times (yes I count every night). When she wakes (and she’s already very restless in the night) she screams, cries, asks for her older sister, etc. (Even if my oldest sleeps with her, she wakes regardless). This might sound terrible but I’ve given her 10mg of melatonin (she finally fell asleep 2 1/2 hours later, but woke consistently). I’ve tried benadryl, that counteracted and she stayed up until 3am. ANY, ANY, ANY advice to possibly make her wakenings less frequent would be amazing. Thank you!
Please send me an email.
I stumbled upon this article looking for help, or insight or reassurance. My 3 almost 4 year old (june bday) has been waking at night since December. First it started with night terrors – he had one a night for weeks, sometimes 2. We finally managed to stop those, but now he wakes every night – at the same time – between 9;30 and 10pm after a 7:00ish bedtime. His routine is stable. We BFed and co-slept for the first year. He transitioned to his crib and then to a bed with little to no difficulty. And now…he wakes up, restless at first and then wakes fully, and cries. He articulates that he’s afraid, doesn’t want to be sleep alone, doesn’t like his bed etc. He sweats profusely in his sleep sometimes and I have wondered about apnea. But the waking and being afraid – if I go to sleep with him, he does not have any disruptions other than to ask for his water. So that tells me it’s likely more an insecurity/fear based issue…I don’t know what to do. Do we give in and let him sleep with us? (We’re not totally opposed to the idea, just wondering if we should be trying to address it in a different way.)
I would absolutely start co-sleeping. Did you know co-sleeping rates in Sweden actually increase from 1 to age 5 then decrease again?
Hello! I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to help my 2.5 year-old. He generally wakes a couple times a night, wanting to nurse. I wouldn’t mind this if he went right to sleep after a short feed (He used to do this). Now he wants to nurse for 1-2 hours and I am really struggling. He won’t lie still in our bed, but after I get frustrated and tell him no more milk, he screams and cries and eventually falls asleep lying across my lap. This all started a couple months ago when we had a negative childcare experience, and I think he felt abandoned. 🙁 I don’t know what else to do, but I feel like I’m a bad mom for getting frustrated and yelling at him. I’m also 14 weeks pregnant and experiencing nursing aversion . . . which is why I can’t do long nursing sessions with him. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you!!
Please send me an email at tracy@evolutionaryparenting.com
Hi. My 2 1/4 year old has been waking at night repeatedly and screaming and crying. At first I thought something was physically wrong. But after reading these posts…and noticing that he stops crying as soon as I enter the room. I think it is just a developmental phase/separation anxiety.
Thanks for your posts ladies they give me the mental support I need to tough through yet another late night rough patch in my parenting journey.
Thank you! You’ve confirmed what I suspected… that waking up now and then is typical.
Hi! I have an almost 2 year old (he will be 2 in three weeks) and he will wake up throughout the night and cry, sometimes scream. I always get him resettled within 2-3 minutes because we co-sleep (just him and I, his father is not in the picture) and I still nurse him, mostly just for comfort, they are very quick sessions now. We live in a small apartment building with thin walls so my neighbors can hear when he wakes up… so my question is not related to helping him sleep (I know this behaviour is normal and I know that what I’m doing is right) My question is how can I politely respond to my neighbors who keep telling me that I should stop nursing or he should be in his own bed, he’s spoiled etc etc…. These are “old school” ladies with grown children who don’t understand basic child biology ? I do feel bad that his nighttime cries sometimes wake them up but I’m doing everything possible to keep it to a minimum.
Politeness in these regards isn’t my greatest strength 😉 However, it would seem that you could point out to them that it’s none of their business how you parent. In fact, you could even just print up an article or two and leave it with them next time they say something; ask them to read it over before commenting again 🙂
Hi! Came across this article by chance whilst searching online for some advice – my daughter is almost 2.5 years old & I’m 6 months pregnant with number 2. She was a superstar sleeper right from birth – she’d only wake once a night for a feed, about 3am, and this crept forward over the next few weeks until it wasn’t there at all, and she’d always sleep in till at least 8am, we were so lucky. At night we put her down about 7, you simply closed the curtains, gave her a kiss and laid her down in the cot and walked away, didn’t have to stay with her, she sorted herself. She didn’t have a soft toy, she didn’t even have a pillow or blankets, she just didn’t want anything (well aware number 2 might not be so easy)
However things have changed…for the last couple of months I now have to sit with her until she falls asleep or she’ll scream, have tried leaving her to cry but 90 mins later she’s still going strong. We have the bedtime routine of pjs, tooth brushing, drink of milk & a couple of books, in bed by 8pm, then when we head to the bedroom she takes a soft toy giraffe & has a pillow and blanket. Get her to sleep by telling her if she doesn’t lay down quietly & close her eyes I’ll leave the room.
At some point in the night she’ll wake and begin the scream, she wants to come into bed next to her daddy. He’s a deep sleeper so each night I go get her & lay her with him, she’s straight back to sleep again & will happily sleep next to him (I’m no good with both of them and move to the spare room each night)
It was working ok I guess but we’re dairy farmers and heading back into the milking season, meaning he has to get up earlier and earlier – she probably would still last longer if he was there with her but right now he’s up at 6am, and so is she. There’s the odd time he’s managed to slip out & leave her asleep in our bed but most of the time she’s up too, he’s gonna keep getting earlier till he’s up about 4am, too early for her! (and for me then having to be up with her!)
I’ve tried resettling her in her cot but it takes ages then she’ll only last about 20 mins then be up again…and again…hence why I’ve given up.
With number 2 on the way & these mornings getting earlier I’m really desperate for some guidance on what to do!
Unfortunately it’s very hard to give specific advice over messages because there’s a lot more that needs to be unpacked. I would first see if she would handle simply room-sharing with your husband so that his movements in the morning are less likely to bother her. Would that work?
Hi, thanks so much for this article – great advice. I am currently 7 months pregnant, sleep deprived and feel at a loss with what to do. I can relate to so many comments here…my 23month old who we cosleep with is waking up usually about 3/4am every night crying, she will say she wants water or a cuddle or something but then still wont settle and will cry and whimper. She needs me to stroke her hand to get her off to sleep and sing a song to her – she has never been able to self settle as much as ive tried over years and she will cry hysterically if i go out the room, she is completely attached to me and has never spent even half an hour away from me. At the moment she seems to be even more clingy and cries about everything if she doesn’t get what she wants. I am so worried about what to do when new baby comes – partner often works away and i have no family close by – i am self employed and work from home usually at night on bed when she sleeps
If you feel you need help you can look at the webinar on welcoming a new sibling or you can arrange a consult. Often it’s hardest when we don’t have ideas before a new baby comes!!
Good luck 🙂
Sometimes baby cry at night without having problem with him. But this is not a common problem in every baby, for this you must concern with doctors. And thanks a lot for sharing your article with us.
My 3.5 year old just transitioned from his crib to a bed and started waking up multiple x’s per night. He will only fall asleep if we read him to sleep or sit right outside his room and he can see us till he falls asleep. He tells my husband and I that he is “scared”. We usually will lay next to him until he falls asleep again. We are exhausted. We have tried letting him cry but it doesn’t do anything and we also don’t want him to develop anxiety over going to sleep. Specific question, he is sleeping in a queen size bed because that is the bed we bought to put in the guest room where he sleeps now. Do you think the size of the bed could contribute to him waking up so often? He claims to love his bed and it does make it easier for my husband and I to lie with him when he awakens. Would love some reassurance that this is normal and that we are on the right track.
I’m not sure that would be it – it’s doubtful, but I never rule anything out. Has he said why he’s scared? Being scared is very normal at that age though and our kids often need more reassurance and more support because they are facing a lot at this time.
I was searching online for some advice and came across this site. I have a three year old who Co sleeps with me and her mother as yet we haven’t transitioned her to her own room. We both work full time and our work hrs are all over the place. My child has been going to sleep fine and getting into the routine of when it’s time to go to bed we say prayers and actually go to sleep. In the past few months she has gotten bad eczema but we’ve gone to the dr and she has creams for that. She scratches a lot during her sleep but we started applying cream thicker and more through the day and especially before bed. For the past week she sleeps maybe a half hour then starts crying like crazy and the goes on all night. I don’t believe it’s the eczema or gas and all of her teeth are already in also we keep her at a good cool temp so I’m not sure what could ass the sudden be causing this
Eczema is a huge flag for other health-related issues. If this has just started I would start looking into the cause as you may have more cream but this is most likely a health issue.
Hi,
I have a 21 month old who is waking up at around 1-2am and crying inconsolably for 10 minutes and I can’t do anything to stop him, but eventually he’ll have a book for 5 mins and then go back to sleep in his cot. It’s been going on for 2 weeks now and really not sure what gets him like that. We have been on a few holidays recently and he’s been sleeping less so maybe this could be the reason. Any suggestions would be so helpful. I worry that now reading in the middle of the night is his sleep crutch and sometimes he screams ‘book , book!’ But not sure what to do?