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I have often heard of families (actually parents) suggesting that leaving their child to cry in the night is not actually that stressful for them. The child/baby is protesting. But really, there is nothing to worry about. I have spent years trying to speak out against this because every single thing I have read, studied, and experienced tells me otherwise (though to be fair, I didn’t always think this way, but that’s a topic for another day). I have thought constantly of ways to get families (actually parents) to really understand what it is they are doing and it’s a hard sell. But I want to try. So if you are a parent who feels that crying-it-out or controlled crying is okay, please have a go at the following and be honest in your response here as this is a perspective-taking exercise.
Step 1: Figure out what you are most afraid of
Link to extinction sleep training: The thing your baby fears most is separation from you. You are your baby’s security blanket, lifeline, sign that s/he is safe, and so on. Separating a baby from its caregiver is the surefire way to elicit stress in any primate and has been used as such a stressor in research for years. Although separation likely won’t cause you the type of anxiety and stress it does for your baby, I’m sure there’s something that causes you panic. It may be spiders, snakes, heights, being alone, being in groups… The goal here is to make sure that whatever we choose is something that really, really causes us fear. The kind of heart-pounding, sweat-inducing, nightmarish fear we don’t want to experience at all.
Note: Some people have suggested that this isn’t fair as babies cry in arms as well; however, research has shown us that there is a distinct difference in the physiological experience of crying out of arms and in-arms with a loving caregiver. I recommend you read here and here if you would like to find out more on this.
Step 2: Figure out how long you will face your fear
Link to extinction sleep training: If you plan on using CIO, plan on 12 hours of this fear. If you plan on controlled crying, have someone come tell you you’re fine, but leave you there, every few minutes, with longer intervals in between. Figuring this out is key to really allowing yourself to try and experience what your baby is experiencing because yes, this is what your baby will experience. This is not “emotional blackmail” or anything of the sort. It is a simple statement that you are putting your child in a situation that causes fear and stress and as such, you owe it to yourself and your baby to first experience that. Remember: being separated from you is that fear for your baby (and for good evolutionary reason). Your baby can withstand a lot when you are there to support him/her, but when you aren’t? You have a vulnerable child whose very survival depends upon being in close proximity to you and so when this separation occurs, every survival instinct going to 11.
Step 3: Face your fear for as long as you set out in Step 2
Link to extinction sleep training: This is the perspective-taking part of it all. For some of you, just the thought of getting here may have changed your mind on extinction methods of sleep training. If you aren’t comfortable doing this yourself, why would you feel comfortable letting your young baby do this? For others, this will be your test to see how comfortable you are letting your child cry-it-out. If you are comfortable trying this and are moving ahead with this step, you will also want to ask yourself: How afraid am I? You want to be at the upper end of fear here to mimic the type of survival fear that your child will experience. Also, if you find yourself able to cognitively change your thinking to deal with your fear, you are moving away from what your child experiences (but this is very good for your own well-being). You see, your child (baby, toddler, or young child) doesn’t have the cognitive capacity or skills to reason through this experience therefore you have to find a way to go back to that visceral fear you would have experienced at the start and try to re-experience that over and over and over for the entire duration. This may involve going a step up with whatever scares you or trying different fears so you regularly get that first surge of adrenaline that goes with being afraid.
Step 4: Fall asleep.
Link to extinction sleep training: Yes, we are actually asking our children to try and fall asleep while terrified. Now some of you will point out that eventually they do fall asleep and sometimes faster after a few nights of hours of howling. Of course they eventually get tired out and just collapse (it’s self-preservation), but this is not the type of sleep we want for them. It’s also not the type of associations with safe sleep we want for them, is it? Now, it’s important to note here that sleeping after trauma is actually an observed, normal reaction to a trauma so just because a baby falls asleep does not mean there isn’t trauma. (You can read more on this phenomenon here.)
Step 5: Evaluate your experience.
Link to extinction sleep training: Now is the time to try and see how your experience would mirror that of your baby’s. Did you learn to feel safe or secure? Would you feel comfortable in that same environment over and over again? If you chose the controlled crying option, how do you feel about the person who checked in, telling you all was okay, that you were safe, then left you again without helping? From what we can gather, children don’t learn they are safe and secure either. They don’t feel particularly comfortable in that environment, and being told they’re safe isn’t the same as making them actually feel safe.
Step 6: Find an alternative. (There are lots.)
If you are struggling and need help, help is there in the form of gentle assistance in books by some (see here) or even individualized help (see here). You shouldn’t suffer. But nor should your baby.
I know some people will call this an exaggeration, but I totally agree. I needed to literally hold my daughter all night for her to sleep for the first 10 weeks. After that she would finally lay next to me to sleep. I didn’t tell many people about the details of how she slept because I could tell they probably felt like rolling their eyes or or shake their heads at what they might have considered a weak mom or spoiled baby. (Thankfully, no one said anything terrible to me.) But I knew she was scared and needed me. It was obvious in her cries. The cry when I tried to lay her in the bassinet or bouncy chair RIGHT next me at night was very different than when she had a wet diaper or some other upset. She is almost two and a half now and she still sleeps next to me. And I feel like we’ll just know when she is ready to sleep alone in her room.
YES.
I tried a lot of sleep training methods with my daughter and they all were hopeless. My sister has found something about the HWL method by Susan Urban and she’s tried it. After a few days she couldn’t believe that it was so easy to get rid of rocking my nephew to sleep. He also stopped waking up at night to eat.
I wasn’t convinced and I thought it won’t be that easy with my LO but turned out it took us 3 nights to drop all her bad habits and she was able to fall asleep on her own! Shocker!
The method is easy but to get it right you must follow the instructions. I’ve found the HWL description in this guide “How to teach a baby to fall asleep alone” on I suppose the author’s website: http://www.parental-love.com
I’ve recommended the guide to all my friends with kids- always success so now I know that the method is great and I can share it because I know that parents need help here.
I am just after teaching my baby girl how to fall asleep on her own and I used the same method as Martha (hwl method by Susan Urban). I agree that this method is like a miracle. And what is the most important the method is without CIO. So no harm for a baby. I am finally well rested even though my daughter is not even 4 months old yet 🙂
The problem I have with methods (all methods) is not one child is like another. I have four beautiful bundles, and Not one of them followed the same guidelines as the others. Yes, there are similarities but they are definitely not the same. My first child co slept with me till she was 9 months old she was on a routine and knew when bed time was before I moved her in her own bed. (she napped in her own room) she did co after sleeping 4 hours I would check to see if she was sleep crying (as we know this happens) reassure her she okay, say I love you go back to sleep. Bam no problem. Baby #2 slept 8hrs from day 1 (was BF) did not want to co sleep, did not like noise, or light. Little dude slept in his own room at 3 months old, because I had separation issues. Baby #3 only co slept in the middle of the night. He was put down drowsy in his own bed and shared a room with us till 6months. At age two we had suffered the co method because we protested. Baby #4 is a super angry baby when tired. does not want to be rocked, nursed or even swaddled. She I’ve tried co sleeping, she screams and flings her arms every which way. So what do I do? I lay her in her bed give her a kiss and a thin blanket. What does she do? Rubs her blanket on her face fussies a bit and passes out. Children are not cookies cutters and neither are parents. Their Is no right way for everything. Pushing fear and guilt into people is not okay. I understand, truly I do. However I also delt with parents who feel guilty for harming their babies because they won’t stop crying and have been told not to let their baby cry it out. Yet baby won’t sleep, and they’ve tried everything. Babies cry, it’s okay they’re learning and so are parents. With each one of Their children.
Thank you so much for this, Tracy!
Any suggestions on dealing with the guilt of having done this with my children? I thought it was supposed to be the best thing for them and for our family. It was painful and I will cringe remembering their cries. They are 4 and 6 now. On a similar note, how do you deal with the guilt of having your son circumcised? If I could take it back if I could, but I cannot.
First, you have to forgive yourself. You do the best you can with the knowledge you have so please remember that. I also want you to know that children’s brains are malleable so if you become responsive, you are helping shift their experiences and can help them “heal” if they experienced any trauma from what happened. It can take longer so don’t get frustrated with them, but do realize that you are helping all of you heal by accepting their need for comfort and contact 🙂
I sleep trained my son when he turned 5 months with the HWL as well but he was a sleepyhead. Mostly we did it to eliminate nights feedings and this method made it very easy for us. But I’ve heard that this method even copes when a baby misses a nap, or has a bad night’s sleep.
Good luck everyone!
Two weeks ago my daughter turned 7 months. After all these months of nursing her to sleep I just had enough! I purchased the Susan Urban’s guide like Martha and Maggie suggested and I am happy to say it has worked for us! Thank you girls!
[…] your needs honoured promptly and each and every time. I’m sure it would make no sense to you that your cries be ignored in favour of what some textbook or relative had to say about when, how and why your […]
To moms who tried this and feel guilty, I also started out this way, because we didn’t know it wasn’t normal for humans to do this. My first child taught us a lot. We never left him alone to cry (I had such visceral reactions I’d have vomited) but we spent 2 full nights trying to get him to sleep in our arms and then place him alone in the crib. He wouldn’t have it, and stopped napping along even after this experience, so the work made things worse not better. This is when I started reading more about co-sleeping, and I thought, duh! Obviously an infant primate sleeping alone is abnormal. I have a PhD in biology, it should have been obvious to me, but it just goes to show how brainwashing culture is.
I’m actually considering becoming a sleep trainer (moving gradually into an MA in clinical psych), just so I can provide parents with perspective. We honestly would have never even tried it if we had known it was ok to do something different. Sometimes it’s just about providing a different perspective that a person hasn’t considered before.
I’m so glad to have found this website, since I’m thinking with my biology background of going down a path like this. Tracy, I’m curious about how parents receive this information when you present it, or how often parents seek advice on sleep arrangements. Not just sleep, necessarily, but how parents perceive an evolutionary medicine perspective on child development?
Hi Sarah,
The work I do as a consultant is definitely picking up slowly as people search for alternatives. You get some that really just want to be told it’s okay to leave them to cry, but many are really searching for something else. However, mainstream society still isn’t there so you’re looking at people who are already committed to gentle parenting which has it’s pros on a personal, working relationship level, but the con of it still being reaching the converted (so to speak).
Fwiw, I think it’s hilarious but so telling that even you with your background “forgot” about normal biological development 🙂 It’s kinda scary, but lovely that you can admit it 🙂
xx
T
not a sleep trainer, I meant a sleep consultant! Which I’m hoping would just involve helping parents find the gentlest sleep practice they are willing to take…
This is ridiculous. My son doesn’t care when I leave the room in the day to do laundry. He doesn’t care when I leave him to sleep at night, it’s not his worst fear at 7pm when he settles to sleep from wide awake on his own without crying. I’ve never let him cry at this time, never had to. So at 10 months I needed to drop his dream feed. 3 nights of cio. Less than 50 minutes crying in total over 3 nights!
How the heck was this his worst fear?!
My sister has been using gentle no cry sleep training for MONTHS! Her 12 month old screams and cries night after night as tries to wean off feeding to sleep. How is all that screaming and crying any better. The kid is miserable he’s so tired and my sister is a grumpy mess.
This blog is scaremongering. Seriously unimpressed.
I’m sorry you view it this way and I’m very sorry your sister has struggled so. Clearly the attempts she’s made aren’t working and I would advise her to look elsewhere. She’s welcome to email me if she’d like some information to help on making gentle changes.
Tracy, there is no reason to feel sorry for Samantha. She found a way to deal with her sons sleeping problems. Here son is fine even if she leaves for a short moment of time to have here other duties done. This is normal healthy child. He learned mommy will return and then be with me. It just does not fit in to extreme attachment parenting. No reason to feel sorry. Or is this sorry feeling another thing of mommy wars? Taking care of the children is most important. Parents also have needs and sometimes these needs are the contrary of their children’s needs. The needs of the children are important, but not all the time. This is my problem with extreme attachment parenting, it is to child centred. Many of extreme attachment parent gurus use fear to make other parent to raise kids only one way (attachment parenting way). Then they say “It’s your guilt for not raising your kids the prober way which makes you feel guilty” I say: “First they (extreme APlers) make you cry and then they blame it on you.” This page is half good and half baloney. A mixture between attachment parenting and mainstream parenting is best. Parents love their kids, also mainstream parents. Even if attachment parents tell it is not enough, you have to do this and you have to do that. WTF.
Great article!