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Babies cry. It’s really no surprise to anyone who has had a child or been in the vicinity of a child, and yet if you read articles on crying and how parents should react, we find ourselves presented with two very distinct camps. On one hand, we have those who propose responding to babies’ and children’s cries, under the belief that this is how they communicate and that their distress is telling us something. On the other, we have individuals (often baby “experts”) who tell us that babies will “cry for no reason”, that you can leave children or babies to cry and it will not harm them at all; in short, they don’t put much stock in the value of the cry, or at least argue that you can ignore these cries sometimes or even often in order to “teach” children lessons about the world.
If you’ve read anything on this site before, you know I am firmly planted in the former category of responsive parenting. There is simply nothing in science, history, instinct, evolution, or common sense that suggests we ought not to take our babies’ cries seriously. However, one of the topics that arises frequently when talking about responding to crying is the “stress release cry”, or the idea that babies need to cry to release stress. Some believe this is antithetical to responsive parenting because it suggests there is nothing parents can do to stop the crying, yet responsive parenting advocates often experience and understand stress-release crying in their children. I have noticed, though, that once you bring up stress-release crying, you hit a few snags in how people interpret this and how it influences their parenting. As such, there are a couple things I’d like to address when it comes to stress-release crying so parents know how to handle this type of crying as a responsive parent.
Children Should Not Be Left Alone for Stress-Release Crying
As soon as some parents hear about stress-release crying, they take it as license to leave their child be during this period of what is supposed to be a supported calming down stage, even though no one who speaks of this type of cry suggests it’s the right thing to do. The idea that the baby is “just releasing stress” seems to signal to these parents that it’s okay to put baby down and walk away. This completely ignores the role of crying-in-arms and the mitigating effect it has on stress. If you are not offering comfort to your child, you are not mitigating the stress and the crying is likely adding to the stress your baby is experiencing. I have written on my own experience with my daughter needing some stress release cries and the science surrounding the mitigating effect of cortisol when a child is supported while crying and I won’t repeat myself here except to say there is a lot of evidence that supporting our children while they cry is essential to their well-being during this time of stress. This is why crying-in-arms is one way to actually respond to your baby who is upset and give her what is needed during this period of crying, even if it doesn’t stop the crying.
But my baby gets more upset if I pick him up! Some babies do get upset at touch when they are upset and this becomes particularly noticeable as children age and start exerting independence. However, this does not mean that you cannot support your child during this period of calming down. “Crying-in-arms” does suggest a baby should be “in arms”, I get it, but the fact is that you have to be aware of your child and if your baby doesn’t want to be in your arms you need to put them down and be there with them to offer verbal comfort, some touch if they will take it, and to be there in case they change what they are willing to accept.
One thing that I ask people to consider if they have a baby (not an angry toddler exerting independence as this is developmentally normal) that is refusing touch is: Why? Physiologically speaking, this shouldn’t be common at all and certainly not as common as it seems to be based on the amount of times I hear parents pull this nugget out. There are a few obvious reasons this might be the case. First, if you have a highly sensitive child (and you will know this because things like touch and noises will be difficult at all times, not just when upset), the stimulation of touch may be too much and just being present is enough to help calm them. Second, you yourself are so upset that physiologically you’re passing on even more stress to your infant and they are trying to get away from that. You must remember that to calm an infant, you yourself need to have a level of calm about you as well. Finally, you are not a source of comfort to your child when they are upset. The main cause is insecure attachment and sadly just over 40% of babies in modern American society are insecurely attached. The way to built up attachment is to be responsive to your child’s distress and if you have been leaving your child or responding mixed (there sometimes, angry others), your child will not see you as someone who can provide comfort. Unfortunately with the type of parenting that is often advocated for in our society, responsiveness is not high on the list and parents – even parents who mean so well – can end up with children who are insecurely attached, especially if they have a child who is more sensitive to their environment than others (see here for a discussion of high needs children).
Stress-Release Crying Should Not Happen Every Day
One of the biggest problems I have is reading or hearing from parents who are sure their child just needs to release stress at the end of the day, every day. Often this is accompanied by leaving the child alone at the end of the day to fall asleep after this bought of “stress-release crying” but that part has been covered.
As I have already acknowledged the role of stress-release crying for infants, it isn’t that infants may not exhibit this type of stress-release crying each night, but rather that if they are, parents are failing to take note of what may be causing it and working to address that. If you are telling everyone that your child needs this cry each night, you are acknowledging that every single day your child is getting so stressed and lacking the support or ability to cope with it that it cumulates in this type of behaviour each night. If you, as an adult, came home every day that stressed, you’d be bugged by family and friends and doctors to get help and decrease your stress levels because we know how awful that type of repeated stress is for the human body. Especially the developing human body.
But how can I figure that out – it could be anything?! Yes it could be anything; however, there are things to start with that may be more likely than others. First, is over-stimulation during the day can be a key culprit. If your child is spending a lot of time in noisy or brightly lit places it may be too much; even having the TV or radio on constantly in the background can be stressful for some infants. Making sure there’s enough down time, quiet time, is essential. If your child is in a daycare, you may want to make sure that the environment there isn’t stressing your baby out and if you think it’s too much, ask the caregivers what they can do to help calm your little one.
Second, your baby is not getting enough touch. Touch is so critical to babies as we adults help regulate them physiologically; their system is immature and many of the regulatory functions we have for coping with stimulation and stress, they lack, and so it is us who helps calm them. Making sure your baby is spending much of the day in arms can help them cope with the usual stressors in the day that may be too much for them to handle on their own. This is where babywearing for periods each day can help your infant: The proximity to a caregiver, especially one to whom the child is attached, helps keep the baby feeling safe and secure. Furthermore, wearing your baby also helps you to be more in tune with your child, picking up on stress when it first starts which can help you identify the sources of your infants’ stress.
Third, food may be a culprit. Infant guts are rather sensitive and many foods can cause an infant to feel upset by the end of the day. Many times families with children who have food sensitivities, intolerances, or allergies find nighttime to be one of the worst times for crying and discomfort. Notably, babies who haven’t started solids are still susceptible. Breastmilk contains elements of what mom has eaten so if a baby is, for example, sensitive to gluten or dairy and mom has eaten it, the baby will have a reaction. Similarly, some of the ingredients in formula can cause even stronger reactions as the babies ingest it directly. You may want to consider an elimination diet if you feel diet is an issue for your child.
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Stress-release crying is real. Many infants will have to have this type of cry periodically as the world can be a stressful place. The issue, from a parent’s perspective, is not only how we respond to them in that moment, but how we work to minimize unnecessary stress so they don’t experience this distress on a regular basis, even if you think they need it to learn how to cope in the “real world”. As the always gentle and kind L.R. Knost said, “It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” That is what responsiveness does.
I would like to point out that as a new mom, one thing that many people tell me is that sometimes babies cry for no evident reason, and that after I have covered the “basics” (hunger, tired, etc.) It is not my job to try to get my baby to stop crying, but rather I have to be there for him and hold him and comfort him as much as possible. So when I first read this post, I felt guilty because my baby frequently cries and is fussy at the end of the day. I have been trying to tell myself that it’s normal, and I do my best to comfort him. (He is 4 months old). But now I am thinking that there must be a reason, and although not evident at all, I can still try to figure out what is distressing him. I have already eliminated dairy products, but now I am going to eliminate gluten as well. I’m pretty sure it has to do with his digestion, because he spits up A LOT and is fussy while nursing. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for this post, and for helping me to see this matter in a different way!
I’m glad this has helped! It may take a lot of time to figure it out, but I firmly believe we owe it to our children to try and figure it out and then provide comfort while we cannot. Good luck!!!
Another thing to check out(if you haven’t already) would be seeing an IBCLC and checking babe’s latch. I had a very rough time with my second and wish I had known to seek qualified breastfeeding support and elimination diets. <3 Hugs mama.
I have a four-month old, and lately I’ve been thinking about her crying a lot. We are currently trying to solve some latch and diet issues, so I’d like to think she cries more than she would otherwise because of those problems. I try to comfort her as best as I can, even when I feel like she’s crying so hard she might not be able to acknowledge my efforts.
But she also gets frustrated very easily, and her frustration cries escalate quickly. I want to give her a chance to figure out how to do things herself, like free her arm when she rolls over, and I’m afraid stepping in too quickly once she’s upset will prevent that. At the same time, when she starts wailing, she doesn’t really seem helped by me sitting next to her saying that I know she’s frustrated and learning new skills is hard. How can I let her voice her frustrations and give her a chance to struggle without feeling abandoned by me? I feel like I’ve read more about letting toddlers and older children cry in frustration, while being there for them, but I don’t know how this applies to infants with much more limited communication skills.
I first have to ask: Are you holding her or just sitting next to her? The comfort comes from physically holding the child. As for the learning via frustration, I think the fact that her cries escalate so quickly means the level of frustration she’s experiencing is too much. Can you not step in to fix, but step in to guide or help scaffold for her so she still learns and tries, but it’s not ultimately horribly frustrating?
I hold her when comforting her, except in a few cases where I’ve tried to give her a chance to explore moving on her own. But I realize if she’s too upset, she can’t learn anything, so I pick her up and calm her down when it escalates. I’m trying to figure out how to help her without doing things for her, but it’s usually not clear to me how to manage that. I feel like all I’m doing is distracting her until she’s older and more physically able to do the things she wants to, but that doesn’t seem right to me either. (Another example, she starts crying hard almost immediately as soon as she’s on her tummy because she can’t reach the things she wants across the room. Which often counteracts me trying to burp her!) I’m wondering if one of the reasons she gets frustrated easily is because she’s often too tired. I don’t think she sleeps enough at night because of her tummy issues (which we are working on).
Why do you think babies don’t need to release stress through crying every day? Every child is different and some need to cry more than others. I co-sleep, breastfeed, babywear, etc. but at the end of the day, my kids have always had to have a cry to release their stress. I’ve never left them alone when they cry.
I’m not saying they don’t “need” it, but that if the day is stressing them out that much each day, we should try (as much as possible) to determine what is causing that stress and do what we can to lower it. It may not be possible for all kids, but if we know, for example, that being in loud noise environments causes it daily, then we can try to limit those to when necessary. Does that make sense? (And then, of course, offer our unconditional support when we can’t minimize it.)
I have a 9 week old baby boy who was Born dysmature, meaning on schedule but too small. As many babies who are born this way he is a restless baby also known as a cry-baby. In practice this means he cries all the time when he is awake and barely sleeps. Now I am totally for consoling a crying baby and finding out why he cries and how to solve it even if its just holding him and talking or singing to him. I have read all your articles I could find about crying and how to deal with it and found it very interesting however you seem to forget that there are babies out there that scream and mutter all day long and that then even if its for only five minutes as a parent you simply have to walk away in order to be able to deal with it for the next hour. So yes I am all for not leaving your baby crying but sometimes it’s good to take some distance and recharge.
I have actually spoken about that distinction in another article on crying-it-out. Of course I support walking away for five minutes or so if needed. I would always hope that we had community and help so someone could take over for 30-40 minutes or so, giving a caregiver a real break (I used to do this for my mom with my sister when she was “colicky” and crying for hours on end – I’d do an hour for her with my headphones on but holding her and rocking or walking).
My daughter is nearly 5 months old and for the most part is only content when I am holding her. I can put her down to play for a little while but she will always begin crying after a short time until I pick her up and she will then stop crying almost immediately. She will also cry if my husband has her, he works from home and she sees him all day and he helps me take care of her but for the most part she will cry when he is holding her only stopping once I take her. My husband thinks I should just let her cry but I don’t want to do that and I don’t feel that is the answer. I sometimes let her cry for a few minutes but I will always talk to her and touch her while she is crying but she won’t settle down until I pick her up.
Reading this article reminded me of some rough times when my daughter was a newborn. I am also reminded of something that has bugged me since then and I wonder If you could shed some light.
My little girl who’s now 10 months old is a high needs baby. She has however responded very well to attachment parenting and is growing to be a very happy, highly observant and delightful little girl. She still occasionally does stress release crying but we now know what tends to trigger it and how to support her through it.
When she was a newborn though, we had really rough times. I still remember when she was in her first three months of infancy and would go through bouts of inconsolable crying. The worst had to be when she was 8 weeks old. My in laws happened to be visiting us that week and were extremely worried by her cries, because they believed something had to be wrong for her to cry as intensely as that. This inadvertently caused me and my husband more stress as well. I had however read about crying in arms and so told my husband that the best thing we could do was to stay calm, hold her, and speak to her in a gentle and comforting tone. It has to be said that despite all that, she often still cried for up to 45 minutes to an hour at a time.
When my mother in law could take the crying no longer, she at times would take the baby from us and would try to distract her with objects or sounds or playing. I disliked her methods because I had read that they might prevent the baby from properly releasing her stress through crying. Everything I read about crying in arms made me feel confident that I was doing the right thing by holding my baby and not trying to distract her into stopping.
But here’s what baffled me: often when my mother in law would take her, she would stop crying within 5-10 minutes and even proceed to fall asleep. This made me feel horrible! I thought I was doing everything I could: breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, being attentive, responsive and respectful of my baby’s needs. And yet my baby seemed comforted by someone else other than me. I thought my baby needed to release stress through crying. And yet my mother in law could get the baby to stop crying, at times as soon as the baby was in her arms.
To cheer me up, some friends I confided in suggested that it could be that my baby cried more in my arms because she knew it was a safe place, or that my mother in law simply had an ‘old lady’s touch/ scent’ that babies respond to.
What do you think? This happened months ago and is no longer an issue for me but I still think about it from time to time. Perhaps you could offer some insight? Thanks!
There are a few possibilities. It is possible that your daughter felt more comfortable with you, though that is somewhat unlikely if she had regular contact with grandma, so unless she has very little experience with your MIL, I’d say it was likely your own stress possibly interfering with your ability to calm her (though you were still doing the right thing by holding her during these times). Often, our own stress causes anxiety in our LOs. If you were feeling stressed by her crying, you can “pass” that stress on to her via the physiological synchrony that you share, making it more difficult for her to calm. As you adjusted and likely got physiologically calmer, so did she.
Does that help?
“Stress-Release” Crying. Sigh, I can only think that the creation (and growing adoption) of this highly disturbing term alone speaks to the deep wounds and knock on long lasting damaging affects on our collective psyche. The thought concept that babies actually desire to cry in order to reduce their stress and thus this is a crucial part of their development is simultaneously heartbreaking and maddening. Althea Solter has a lot to answer for!
I would love a clearer and more in-depth definition of “stress-release” crying in babies as you’ve stated that it is very different to crying-in-arms but I struggle to understand how this has been observed in pre-verbal (talking) infants. I personally define so called “stress-release” crying as a natural repercussion to unmet unknown or misunderstood need. For example, I would argue thay if crying-in-arms is due to a mother withholding access to breastfeeding knowingly for a personally justified reason then; “stress-relief” crying is due to a mother withholding access to breastfeeding under the misguided and highly dangerous theoretical assumptions of modern Western “experts” whose research was undoubtedly shaped and coloured by their own wounds from the industrial/ developed nation child rearing (which is finally being scientifically proven to be deeply abusive and traumatic). Would you agree?
The really tragic thing is here are so many reasons that babies cry unbeknownst to even natural and “attachment” parents, the most notable but rarely stated being:
birth and or early postnatal trauma;
disrupted or unnaturally seeded microbiome
undetected and thus untreated misalignment developed in utero and exasperated with continuous use of baby containers (car seats, swings, rockers and bouncers);
undetected and thus untreated oral (and often other body) restriction in function (tongue and lip tie);
male infant genital mutilation (circumcision);
undetected and thus untreated normally occurring vaccine related inflammation and injury;
having a wearable-toilet (cloth or plastic nappy/diaper) tightly wrapped around a baby’s delicate skin for practically 24 hours every single day;
being forced to use said wearable toilet due to the caregiver being unaware and too distracted to aid them in eliminating hygienically;
limited skin-to-skin contact due to the above and constant clothing;
little or no time spent being carried or worn in nature;
frequent and increasing maternal separation;
cultural rather than ecological breastfeeding patterns;
having less than 3 constant and consistent adult caregivers to 1 infant (specifically two additional experienced caregivers caring for them and their mother in addition to the continuous care of their biological mother)
And these examples above are just the tip of the iceberg in a long list of other potenial causes of infant crying, when the mother or father has quote “tried everything!” . The most dangerous part of the concept of “stress-release” crying in babies is that when it is presented and subsequently believed then adopted by mothers desperately looking for a non-regret-provoking explanation for infant distress (that while superficially plausible makes little sense upon more in-depth inspection); they are actually robbed of the opportunity they have been given to truly and accurately meet their baby’s (and thus their own) needs to avoid or begin to repair issues that are being shown within the fields of pre and perinatal psychology to form our primal blueprint for future behavioural patterns and ability to form healthy adult relationships and bonds.
[…] morning, I clicked on a link at Evolutionary Parenting about supporting your child during “stress-release crying” (thank you, late-night Facebook trolling) and suddenly I totally got it. The time of day wasn’t a […]
I could always comfort my baby with breastfeeding and he still relies on it a lot for sleeping and comfort at 2 years old. I’m okay with that! It feels right. Anyway a friend of mine saw a specialist who said if we offer the boob every time they cry they “swallow the cry”/negative emotion is absorbed as they don’t let it out, causing stress. She claimed since she let her baby cry in arms and did what she called this “emotional work” with her rather than offer the boob she’s been way more settled, happier, sleeps better. What do you make of this? My lad still wakes lots and is ‘clingy’ so in hard times I sometimes doubt my methods a little (but not deep down). Would love to hear your thoughts.
I would disagree with the specialist. I think if you force the breast, that’s one thing (though I’ve yet to meet a baby who will not spit it out if that’s not comforting – as I can attest to as my son did that when he had silent reflux), but offering as a means to help settle is important. Breastfeeding is linked with vagal nerve development which is what we use to help calm us and it may be one of the reasons why extended breastfeeding is linked to greater delay of gratification when kids are older. Breastfeeding seems to actually help regulation!
I would say your friend may suffer from the intervention effect in which as soon as we do anything, we see differences even if they aren’t actually there. It’s why in research we need control groups to compare because parents who do anything believe it works and this is strongest when they have done something unpleasant (like having a child cry, even in arms). It sounds like your child may be more high-needs/sensitive/orchid than anything else 🙂
Hi Tracy,
Thanks for this article- it makes a lot of sense.
I have just begun reading about stress- release crying/ supported crying. It is most clear to me regarding toddlers/children, but babies are tricky.
My understanding is there may be developmental periods in a baby’s life where stress-release crying occurs regularly/ may be needed, such as the witching hour/ PURPLE period/ colic that is commonly seen around the 6-8 week mark. But I was reading this article by Althea Solter, and was wondering your thoughts.
http://www.awareparenting.com/cryinginarms.htm
She states she supports co-sleeping, never leaving a baby/child alone to cry, no sleep training, meeting baby’s needs…. But I find her idea that a baby who is waking frequently at night (particularly to nurse, and she says more than once a night past 6m is frequent) is doing so because they have built up stress they have been unable to release and nursing at every wake has become a crutch for baby. Her suggestion is to nurse baby before bed, but not to sleep, and allow baby to cry in arms to sleep, which will in turn result in less night waking because baby has released stress. Then nurse baby for night wake ups.
This confuses me. It sounds like sleep training, even if that is not her intention. One is withholding the form of comfort a baby wants in favour of something else. It is my understanding nursing to sleep is biologically normal and babies wake at night for many reasons. Sleep is developmental and a baby/child will “sleep through” the night when developmentally ready to do so, and it is normal to require parental support into childhood as the ability to self soothe does not develop until 3-5 years of age. Not to mention, my almost toddler asks to nurse when she is tired and falls asleep doing so, shall I wake her up after and have her cry to sleep? (No!) She also wakes frequently at night.
Would love to hear your thoughts!
I’m with you and don’t actually agree with all of Solter’s work. I do like some of it and know crying in arms is better than not, but her ideas on breastfeeding counter human history and evolutionary development. I think she feels there is more stress than there should be for babies in our world and perhaps in our culture there is more, but they can regulate that stress through breastfeeding as well 🙂