There is a new “gentle” framing of infant and toddler sleep “problems” that seems to be going around. I am happy to announce that it seems to be against crying-it-out and other forms of extinction sleep methods and claims to be looking holistically at the child to get at the root of the sleep problems. It sounds very much like what I do with families. However, it also doesn’t and the way it differs has me worried for the families taking part.
The main problem I have with this new approach can be summarized by one of the taglines that is mentioned in it:
“If all your child’s needs are met, sleep will come.”
In a sense it’s nice because it means they aren’t looking at sleep as the actual problem (yeah!), they seem to focus on needs being met (yeah!), but my goodness, does it ever ignore a very strong reality about sleep: Sometimes it doesn’t come (oops!).
Imagine if you are a parent trying to get your baby to sleep and yet she keeps waking at night, not getting this uninterrupted time that you keep hearing will come if only you just met her needs. So you keep trying harder and harder, doing the things these people tell you that you need to do, as if attachment is built by following rules and once those rules are met, your baby will sleep. Yet she continues to wake. At that point, what parent doesn’t suddenly doubt themselves and feel like they are failing their children?
Yet so many kids wake and this is 100% normal. Heck, up the age of 3 years, waking at night is a normal phenomenon (and likely later, but we have documented normal up to age 3). You may have the most amazing relationship and your kid will still wake. There are tons of reasons that can range from something outside your control (e.g., sensory issues) to environmental (e.g., living in a noisier area) to developmental (e.g., she ain’t ready yet). I’m not suggesting there aren’t times when needs aren’t met and that needs to be addressed, but that’s very different from saying that if all needs are met, sleep will come.
The other danger with this comment is that it creates problems where none may exist. If you view a child not sleeping as needs not being met, then you will always be looking for what isn’t met and when we look hard enough, we’ll find something and treat it as something even when it’s nothing. One of the most common concerns that comes up when we talk about attachment and needs is the idea of permissiveness. If your child isn’t sleeping, one response parents can hear is that they’ve been too permissive in letting their child dictate the terms at night. This fear of permissive parenting is one that families really struggle with and hits at the core of our struggle to balance attachment, love, responsiveness, and boundary-setting.
If our lens is looking for permissiveness, it’s easy to see how all these things like nursing or cuddling to sleep, bedsharing, and so on are forms of permissiveness and children are really running the show. But what if our lens is that of biology? Then the idea of waking and nursing back to sleep is simply called “normal”. As is waking and nursing again. As is breastsleeping. As is a child getting upset if we try to wean them when they are not ready. This gets us back to the evolutionary mismatch theory (see here) and how we actually may be creating more problems by looking at our children’s behaviour through a cultural and not biological lens.
If you are a parent who is worried about your child’s needs and sleep, let’s review a few things:
- Sleep can be affected by unmet needs, but that doesn’t mean that meeting them all will lead to perfect sleep.
- If you worry about whether or not your child’s needs are met, consider what they are. They center n both physical and psychological safety and security. Our kids have to be fed and warm and all that, but they also need to feel safe and secure with us (the psychological). We can do things that counter this, but rarely does this come from being responsive. In fact, it often comes when we are not responsive.
- Setting boundaries isn’t inherently responsive or meeting needs. There is a mistaken belief that if we just set and hold more boundaries, we are providing our kids what we need. However, not all boundaries are necessary or even right. When we look at nighttime parenting as an example, setting a boundary of not nursing to sleep is not a boundary that does anything for our child. It isn’t biological and it isn’t “helpful” for our kid (even if it helps us). In this case, you aren’t a better parent or meeting needs by implementing it. Boundaries are for safety and respect for other people’s space. That’s pretty much it. (You can read more on that here.)
- Permissiveness and responsiveness are different. Permissive is when we know we should do one thing, but we fear our kids’ being upset so we don’t do it. We “give in” despite knowing it’s not best for our child (think letting our kid eat dessert for breakfast every single day to avoid him being upset over healthier food). Responsiveness can seem like this if we hold cultural views of what our kids need instead of a biological one. You cannot be permissive with love. You cannot be permissive in responding to a child’s biological need or norm. On the flipside, if you know there’s a boundary to be held and your child will be upset, remember that holding them and validating their feelings is being responsive, not permissive. You don’t have to be harsh to avoid permissiveness.
At the end of the day, I want to make it clear that while we need to look at things holistically and consider the entirety of a child’s life when looking at sleep, we do no one any favours by making claims that are unsubstantiated and can in fact harm families. Although it may always be worth it to look at how needs are being met (or not), linking that to sleep can be a very dangerous game that ends up not being so gentle after all.
I wish all parents of newborns would read this.
Dr. Cassels,
I am super pleased with this website that you have created and dedicated to biologically necessary parenting. So far, I am in total agreement with all that you post. What’s interesting is that, without all of the modern junk (food, too much tech, and synthetic hormones), our instincts and intuition would be telling us to do the right thing. The fact of the matter is that most people are out of touch with their instincts and intuition because they are interfering with its efficacy.
Intuitively, I know that my daughter knows what’s best for her most of the time, more so than I do, since she is more in touch with unhampered instincts. Most of parenting is trust and patience. I look forward to reading more!
This piece articulates perfectly the unease I have felt about my parenting to date, and helps to relieve it. I call myself an “accidental attachment parent” as being there for my children – day and night – has always felt right, even though I never planned to cosleep. But I’ve often wondered if the reason my children wake a lot is because I’ve been too permissive. I am now feeling more reassured that I am viewing their needs through a biological lens (as a scientist, I love that description), & am in the fortunate position of being largely able to ignore the cultural pressures. Thank you.
I think you make valid points in your article however I also think you grossly mis-understand the Baby-Led Sleep Approach. I am certified in this approach and we take into consideration A LOT about the child, the family, and yes things that can be impacting sleep. We look at the environment, the physical things that could be going on (sensory, tongue tie, body tightness, reflux, new motor skills, and more). We look at the attachment and connection. And yes, we also look at the boundaries but never ever recommend not nursing to sleep if that is something that is working for mom and baby. It is when things are no longer working for mom or baby that lead us to make recommendations around more parent-led changes, alongside empowering mothers and primary caregivers to trust their parenting instincts and follow their babies cues. And yes, this is developmentally appropriate. Parents are the adults and the ones that have the cognitive ability to make rational decisions about what is best for baby. And yes, sometimes sleep does not come in the exact same way that parents wish (ie. sleeping the whole night un-interrupted), but we do a lot of educating on what normal sleep actually looks like. So as I said, I think you are on the right page in terms of how you approach sleep more holistically but you have grossly mis-understood this ‘new’ approach (aka Baby Led Sleep & Wellbeing). As someone with a PhD, I would have expected a bit more from you in terms of actually researching the evidence and even just the simple foundations of the Baby-Led Sleep Approach prior to making your judgements. Had you done this, you likely would have seen it lines up quite nicely with your beliefs and values.
Thank you for your comment. I understand you believe this to be specific to the Baby-Led Approach and it certainly was one program brought to my attention from clients that utilizes this idea of meeting needs leads to sleep (or rather lack of sleep as unmet needs or not being alpha enough), but it’s not the only one. I avoided naming any program intentionally as I don’t believe it’s fair when there are good components to programs, but rather to offer an alternative for people who may feel this way.
As for your specific comments, I will only make the following points:
1. I find it interesting that the baby-led approach focuses on parent-led changes 😉 The idea that parents know what is best and have the rational capacity to do what is needed is often the crux of sleep training. I would argue many families actually have misguided ideas about what is best for babies because our culture is not at all centered on the biological needs of young children. For example, a mother saying she needs to stop nursing to sleep at 9 months isn’t doing what is best for baby. It may need to be done for a variety of reasons, but the idea she knows best for baby there just doesn’t hold. The reality may be we need to do what isn’t best for baby, but if that can be avoided at all, that should be the first course of action.
2. I know more about the approach than you seem to realize. My response here did not come out of the blue or without great thought. I’m sorry you think that I would feel differently about it if I just knew more, but I can assure that I am quite comfortable in my knowledge of the system. And of course I don’t think it’s all bad! I think there’s good there, but I also find it lacking in other areas. That’s my opinion and you are welcome to disagree.
3. I’m not sure what you’re referring to in terms of developmentally appropriate. I assume it’s about letting parents make decisions and of course, I would just reiterate that many parents do not have instincts that line up with what is developmentally appropriate for a child. And that of course not all children develop at a similar rate and some have temperaments that require a very different approach and expectations. As such, a parent may have developmentally appropriate views for the majority of children, but not for their own.
Anyway, thank you for your input here and I hope that the fear that some parents report from this idea of needs leading to sleep is taken to heart in any of the clients you work with. Your words – even just a sentence – have power and perhaps more than you realize.
Cheers,
Tracy
Are you only approving comments that sing your praises? While I don’t disagree with some of what you’ve written, I think it’s laughable that you talk here about the “need to look at things holistically and consider the entirety” when you do EXACTLY the opposite of that by taking a 1 second clip out of a 90 second speech and warp it out of context to suit your needs. You are spinning the words someone who is doing WONDERS for infant sleep community. The person you are referring to has NEVER said that we can, or should even try, to eliminate all wakes, nor has she ever said how long a child will sleep even when all needs are met. She is an advocate of normal infant and toddler sleep, and talks often about how wakes are part of that. As was already mentioned by a since deleted comment, it’s shocking that someone with a PhD and therefore somewhat well versed in research would manipulate information this way. It’s also really tragic because ultimately you are dividing and (trying to) compete with the very people you should be uniting with – those commited to normalizing developmentally appropriate infant and toddler sleep. Sad, unprofessional, and quite bully-ish if you ask me.
I’m sorry I don’t know what comment you refer to except perhaps the one that was just approved because I don’t spend my days monitoring all comments, but rather get to them when I logon to do work. I will just urge you to read my reply to that one instead of attempting to engage over your opinions which I don’t think there’s much reason to do.
Tracy, thanks for allowing my comment back up on your blog, and thanks for taking the time to reply. I think we will just have to agree to disagree. I do a lot of teaching on infant and child development, in terms of what is developmentally appropriate for milestones, for attachment and bonding, and yes, what is ‘normal’ sleep. So yes, we need to be aware of development and how we as humans develop – what is normal and what might be un realistic expectations. In today’s society there are many many many old, outdated, sleep books and sleep trainers (and even pediatricians) that are making recommendations that ARE NOT developmentally appropriate for babies at certain ages as they grow. For example – a 4 month old baby should not be expected to ‘sleep through the night’ for 6, 8, or 12 hours….that is not developmentally appropriate because they are not ready for that developmentally in terms of the size of their tummy, the cognitive awareness, their ability to regulate without support of mom/primary caregiver, etc. And yes, parent led changes are part of our approach, because really we do need to make changes sometimes – for example putting a bedtime routine in place (not a strict schedule, but a routine) so that baby can start to make sleep associations (things like dimming the lights, having a bath, lotion massage, diaper change, pijs, sleep sac, nursing, rocking, singing, bed)…..putting a CONSISTENT routine in place is a parent-led change (if that has not been something parents are doing for example). In your example, of a 9-month old – we never recommend not nursing, unless it is not working for mom or baby anymore. For example, maybe the 9-month old is no longer ‘falling asleep’ while nursing and mom is stressed that this is not working anymore – then it is time to find a different solution and putting parent led changes in place to change the routine. Maybe instead of nursing to sleep, mom is nursing earlier and then trying a different strategy right before sleep. Or if the mom of a toddler is still nursing every 1-2 hours day and night and she is exhausted and resentful, then yes it is time for some ‘parent-led changes’. All the while following their instincts and we support that, while offering guidance and different views to solve the ‘sleep puzzle’. Because sleep is a puzzle and many many factors can be a part of the reason why a baby or toddler or child (or even adult) is not sleeping as well as they could be. Hope that makes sense. But again, I think we have some similar values, but we will just have to disagree on certain things and that is fine! I don’t think we need to be tearing each other down, but rather supporting each other because ultimately we are on the same page in terms of wanting to normalize sleep, and helping parents get more of it while being supportive of their unique baby, their unique family goals, and their unique situation, all while being aware of and considering what normal development (ie, developmentally appropriate) is at each stage of the game….. a lot of stress around sleep comes from the un-realistic sleep expectations. Best of luck with your future endeavours.
I never didn’t allow your comment so let’s be clear on that front as I’m sure you don’t want to seem like you’re passively trying to suggest I would act unprofessionally or dishonourably on the site here.
We shall have to agree to have some differences as is normal in life. I would say that by your definition of “parent-led”, even nursing to sleep is parent-led 🙂 However, I don’t know that there’s much to continue to discussion here. Obviously I agree changes need to be made, but I do feel that changes aren’t inherently right or best for babe because a parent believes so. And some parents would hate to hear that so at least there are people they can go to!
Best of luck as well!
Thank you for your thoughts on my approach ❤️ You mention that you didn’t name an approach but yet you pulled a line directly from my 90 second promotional video so it is pretty clear who your blog is directed at. No where does it say that they will sleep for 2 hours, 6 hours but just (in a 90 SECOND promo video) that meeting needs is important for sleep. Love the way that you spun it though. Just so you know, I am an open book and very happy to share about my approach to sleep with anyone who asks. If ever you have concerns, and before writing a blog based on your interpretation, feel free to reach out because I would be happy to speak rather than seeing this. To each their own but getting the information from the person who created the approach would have been a more respectful way to approach this ❤️
This wasn’t about understanding the approach – it’s about the messaging, which you acknowledge is correct as a quote. I didn’t mention you because I believe the messaging can go further than the approach so people can hear this from various sources.
What I didn’t add in here, but will add now, is that the only reason I even heard of the approach was from devastated families who had internalized that they weren’t meeting their children’s needs which is why their children were waking and that’s just not okay in my books. So this was for them, not you. I don’t want any family feeling like they are failing to meet their child’s needs because they are waking. You may or may not know, but there has also been suggestions in research (luckily debunked, but again the messaging can go further) that sleep “problems” are linked to insecure attachment. When we make these types of statements, we have to be aware how families may take them – even if just in passing. What you do with that information is up to you.