We all know about the “booby traps” that prevent parents from breastfeeding successfully, but what about the “snooze traps”? Those acts we’re all told to do by well-meaning sleep “experts”, trainers, family members, and doctors that may hurt our child’s sleep or have other unintended, negative consequences? Here I want to talk about what a few of them are and what they aren’t because too many families are led to believe that perfectly normal behaviours are anything but.
***
First let’s cover what aren’t snooze traps, despite what well-meaning other individuals might say. I call these mythical because it’s a myth that they will somehow pose problems forever more. At some point some of these behaviours may be ones you want to slowly wean off of, but there are gentle resources to help you do that (for example, see here). You can also read about how normal they are here. Without further ado, let’s go.
The Mythical Snooze Traps
Don’t nurse your baby to sleep
Many parents seem to be told that if they allow their baby to fall asleep on the breast, it will spell disaster. First, when babies are young, they need to be nursing regularly, including during sleep times Don’t rock/hold/wear your baby to sleep Lots of books and plenty of “experts” espouse that you should always put your baby down awake. For some babies, this works great and you can put them down drowsy but not fully asleep and they’ll doze off. For others, they will hit the mattress and scream blue murder. The latter babies aren’t weird and you don’t need to force them to fall asleep on their own – eventually they will but they will take a bit more time. Babies around the world are worn while they sleep and in fact for most of human history, this was the only way babies slept – on someone. This means this is more akin to what they biologically expect and is closest to an external womb many babies require than anything else[4]. And as any parent who has had the child that does not go down on one’s own, rocking or holding your baby to sleep (and while they sleep) is much preferable to a screaming infant. If you don’t stop your baby waking at night now, it will continue forever I dedicated an entire post to this topic so I’m just going to send you over there to read about how mythical this one is and how research actually does not support this. *** Now, let’s get to the real snooze traps… The Snooze Traps You should put your child to nap in the dark/Your child needs complete dark to sleep during the day It sounds logical right? I mean, we sleep in the dark don’t we? However, infant sleep is very different than ours: Their sleep cycles are different (going into REM sleep first followed by deep sleep, contrary to adults) and their cycles aren’t as long (an hour versus 90 minutes). They also happen to sleep a lot in the first few months meaning that they will sleep when it’s light out and although we have artificial means to make it darker, should we? Well, we don’t need to put babies in rooms or places with bright lights – being dimmed is good enough (like wraps that block out the bulk of the sun) – and in fact, having it be pitch black for naps has side effects no parent wants: It poses problems for your little one to consolidate nighttime sleep[3] and limits the ability of the mother/father to develop a healthy daytime rhythm which protects against mental health problems[5]. This shouldn’t be too surprising as naps are generally shorter and an infant expects to wake and play or re-engage with the world. If they are accustomed to waking to a dark room, nothing in that dark room signals that they should continue to sleep. Of course, there’s the second effect that placing a child alone in a room to sleep increases the risk of SIDS[6], something no parent wants. Your child needs total silence to sleep Many parents fall into this trap, opting for a silent house when the baby sleeps. I’m sure many of them come by it because they saw their baby rousing if they had the TV on too loud or were out and about when their infant was very young and babe was more interested in what was going on around them than sleep, but for many babies complete silence can become a problem. (Note that some children with sensory issues truly NEED silence to sleep, if you have a child like this, you will often see other sensory issues as well though.) When a baby becomes too accustomed to sleeping in silence, they can struggle to sleep when there’s any noise whatsoever. This limits a parent’s ability to, well, have a life. If you must be home and in silence every time your child needs to sleep, especially when they are young and sleeping often and both want and need to be near you, there isn’t a lot you can do and parents can grow frustrated with increased feelings of isolation and helplessness. The problem is often the ways people use to “train” their babies to sleep through noise is to create loud, fake noises when their baby is sleeping. I frankly am baffled by this because you don’t want an infant to become a child who will sleep through fire alarms, etc. Some loud noises should wake your child. Therefore, the best way to get your child to learn to sleep is by letting them learn with normal, life noises. Carry your baby and go out for a walk or see friends. Listen to some music while they sleep. Basically, if you live your life and allow them to nap on the go, they will learn to sleep with the white noise of life. And actually, we know that some noise – especially white noise or music – is immensely helpful in inducing both infant[7][8] and adult sleep[9]. Where this becomes difficult for parents is when they struggle with shorter naps as their infant adjust to the “normal” noises. A baby needs to take some time to learn which noises are just part of their environment, and which are ones that should wake them up. During this learning period, many parents panic about the amount of sleep their little one is getting, though often babies make up for shorter naps with more frequent naps. Your child needs to be in his/her own bed The bedsharing issue. The first issue often brought up is to do with safety, specifically the fear that your child will suffocate. There are ways to make sure bedsharing is safe, and for those who aren’t comfortable with that, side-car cribs or co-sleepers that are right up against the bed allow for the closeness but with a bit of separation. However, you can read about the SIDS-bedsharing link here and about how to bedshare safely here. When done safely, your baby does not have an increased risk of SIDS (or any death) relative to babies in their own cot, despite recent headlines to the contrary (I recommended reading this for that issue). In fact, it is infants who are placed in their own room, separate from mom and dad, who have an increased risk of SIDS[6][10]. The other issue that often arises is the “independence” issue with bedsharing. People mistakenly believe that babies and children who share a bed will somehow never leave home, refuse to go out without parents, or some other nonsense. What does the research say? Well, it’s a bit mixed. Mixed in that either researchers find no difference between bedsharers and non-bedsharers in later life[11] or they find that bedsharers are actually more independent than their solitary sleeping counterparts[12]. Yes, that’s right folks: Bedsharing either has no impact on independence or it actually helps it. So you can put that myth to bed right now. (You can read a full research review on it here.) The one thing that bedsharing is associated with is increased night wakings[13]. Or rather, the awareness of increased wakings. No one is quite sure if solitary sleepers actually sleep through or simply fall back asleep before mom or dad notices. There is also the possibility that infants who naturally wake at night (yes, some will more than others and it’s all in the realm of “normal”) are more likely to be bedsharers because it’s easier for the entire family to get sleep. You should put your child down to bed awake There are two main issues pertaining to this particular snooze trap. First, if you put your child down when they are fully awake on a schedule (and not drowsy but not quite asleep), you are creating an association between the cot and play or non-sleep. I will discuss this more in the next trap so just remember the next one applies here too. Second, and the issue I want to highlight, this has a negative effect on breastfeeding, as highlighted in the Mythical Snooze Traps above (“Don’t nurse your baby to sleep”). A review of 20 years of research, including many studies on this type of advice on infant sleep, found that putting infants 6 months and under to bed awake had negative effects on breastfeeding, including diminished supply and early cessation of breastfeeding[3]. Nursing to sleep and nursing while sleeping are some of the main ways in which one’s breastmilk supply increases and stabilizing, helping to ensure a normal, healthy nursing relationship. What to do? Well, when a baby is younger, putting them down asleep is fine, especially if they have nursed to sleep (which does induce sleep too). The only “negative” is that when they wake they may signal if you aren’t there because they are looking for the same environment that they went to sleep with[14]. However, outside of that, there are no negative effects to your child or their sleep from being put down while already asleep, and given that many younger babies love to fall asleep at the breast, no parent should worry about this behaviour. If, however, you want to put your baby down before they are fully asleep and you are breastfeeding, you should nurse to almost sleep and put them down when very drowsy. Some children still won’t go for this and will wake up at that point and that’s okay (and normal), but if they accept that type of going to sleep awake, having nursed them down will help minimize the risk of breastfeeding problems. You should leave your child in bed for a set amount of time, regardless of whether or not s/he is awake The main point here is that you’re forcing a child to remain in bed when he or she is not tired or sleeping. First, though, let me point out that the research shows that when used early, this doesn’t actually help with sleep[3]. It’s unclear how well they work in later times. However, the unintended effects that concern me with are to do with what we know about the effects of creating the association between bed and sleep. As recommended by the National Sleep Foundations, bedrooms should not be used for play or work or other activities outside of sleep (well, and sex for adults)[15]. So what are we doing with our youngest when we force them to lie in bed when they aren’t tired? We’re creating associations between bed and play, or more broadly, bed and non-sleep. If a child is finished a nap and has woken, leaving them in the bed serves no purpose but to form that same association between bed and non-sleep, raising the risk that you will have a child with sleep onset problems later on. Just as it is recommended that if adults can’t fall asleep, they don’t lie in bed, but get up and do something relaxing but out of bed[16], the same recommendation holds for children. What to do? Well, would you like it if you had to lie in bed doing nothing once you were rested and awake? Probably not. The same goes for your baby, so once your baby wakes, get them out of bed and let them play in the room, especially if they are calling for you. Whereas some parents find their little ones are quite content in a cot or on the bed, awake and looking around (and if you have a few things to do, go ahead and let them look, though again, I wouldn’t recommend leaving them too long if you don’t want the association of bed and sleep to be made), most of the time this advice is given to parents of babies who are signalling to be picked up and engaged with. I’m unclear why anyone would think that leaving a child who is awake in a cot to just lie there when they want out for a set time is doing anyone any good. *** With the thousands of books out there talking about sleep, many of which are aimed at infant or toddler sleep, we are running the risk of ignoring the real research in favour of what sleep trainers want you to think. Not only do we have mythical snooze traps prevalent in our society, with families doing what they feel is right but then facing backlash and concern about “bad habits”, but the actual snooze traps run rampant and unchecked. Some of these things will work for you and you’ll wonder what the fuss is, but remember that we’re talking about promotion and when we promote something, it has to do the greatest good, not raise the risks of unintended, negative consequences. As you head into the murky world of infant sleep, remember that what we have been doing for most of human history and what we do now are vastly different, and our newer ways may be setting us up to fail in ways we haven’t predicted. If you go in armed with knowledge you may still engage in some of these practices, but at least you’ll know what to look for if things aren’t going well and have potential solutions ready to go. [1] Ball HL. Bed-sharing and co-sleeping: research overview. NCT New Digest 2009; 48: 22-27. [2] Hibberd CM, Brooke OG, Carter ND, Haug M, Harzer G. Variation in the composition of breast milk during the first 5 weeks of lactation: implications for the feeding of preterm infants. Arch Dis Child 1981; 57: 658-62. [3] Douglas PS, Hill PS. Behavioral sleep interventions in the first six months of life do not improve outcomes for mothers and infants: a systematic review. J Dev Behav Pediatr 2013; 34: 497-507. [4] Narvaez D, Panksepp J, Schore A, Gleason T (Eds.). Evolution, Early Experience and Human Development: From Research to Practice and Policy. New York: Oxford University Press, 2013. [5] Jenni OG, Deboer T, Achermann P. Development of the 24-h rest-activity pattern in human infants. Infant Behav Dev 2006; 29: 143-52. [6] Task Force on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. SIDS and other sleep-related infant deaths: expansion of recommendations for a safe infant sleep environment. Pediatrics 2011; 128: e1341. [7] Spencer JA, Moran DJ, Lee A, Talbert D. White noise and sleep induction. Archives of Diseases in Childhood 1990; 65:135-7. [8] Ockwell-Smith S. BabyCalm. London, UK: Piatkus, 2012. [9] Lee KA, Gay CL. Can modifications to the bedroom environment improve the sleep of new parents? Two randomised control trials. Research in Nursing and Health 2011; 34: 7-19. [10] Blair PS, Heron J, Fleming PJ. Relationship between bed-sharing and breastfeeding: longitudinal, population-based analysis. Pediatrics 2010; 126: e1119-e1126. [11] Okami P, Weisner T, Olmstead R. Outcome correlates of parent-child bed sharing: an eighteen-year longitudinal study. Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics 2002; 23: 244-53. [12] Keller MA, Goldberg WA. Co-sleeping: help or hindrance for young children’s independence? Infant and Child Development 2004; 13: 369-88. [13] Jenni OG, Fuhrer HZ, Iglowstein I, Molinari L, Largo RH. A longitudinal study of bed sharing and sleep problems among swiss children in the first 10 years of life. Pediatrics 2005; 115: 233-40. [14] Anders TF, Halpern LF, Hua J. Sleeping through the night: a developmental perspective. Pediatrics 1992; 90: 554-60.
I was just wondering what the ‘cut off age’ is for babyhood? It was really easy to ignore all the advice we got when babe was really young. At almost a year, I’m finding it harder to stay confident in all the things I’ve been doing. Still nursing to sleep at night; still nursing a few times a night, falling back to sleep immediately after; still worn/walked/rocked to sleep… all that good stuff.
I’ve become avoidant when people ask me if he’s ‘sleeping through the night.’ He is by my definition, since he isn’t really awake when he nurses. Well-meaning friends & relatives with older kids keep hinting at sleep training.
I guess I’m looking for reassurance, is all
Well, we know perfectly normal, healthy children will continue these behaviours past 3, though fewer of them do. Frankly, my view is that if it’s not a problem for you and your kids are happy and not showing signs of sleep deprivation, where’s the problem??? My 3 year old daughter still nurses to nap (at night she nurses but often rolls over before falling asleep – we bedshare) and she rouses for nursing at night and will full on wake to go pee, but falls back asleep quickly most nights (unless the pee is close enough to wake up time, then she’s usually up).
good to know, thanks!
it would be a lot easier if i could just smile and nod, but i feel like i would be adding to the piles of unrealistic expectations of my currently childless friends.
Sophia, your baby is doing exactly what babies are supposed to do. It drives me insane when people feel compelled to ask stupid things like “Is your baby sleeping through the night?” ” How long are you going to breast feed for?” Or say things like “If they are old enough to ask for boob, they are too old”……My daughter is 14 months old, still wakes at night still breastfeeds and I will breastfeed her as long as both of us are still comfortable and that is what she wants. I will never have her CIO or feel alone. Sleeping through the night is FOUR hours…not 12… So yes..my baby sleeps through the night. Does she wake? Yes, like any other human on the planet..she wakes intermittently and goes back to sleep. The difference is that they are a little more vocal, they sleep in a slightly different pattern then we do and sometimes they need help going back to sleep. It is like when we wake up and shift, pull up the blanket or move our pillow, babies do not know how to get comfy again to go back to sleep. Pictures waking up in the middle of the night on the floor with no blanket…what do you do then? You get up and go back to bed…they don’t know how though. So, when your baby wakes, make sure you try slight position changes to help her/him or pat their back. Make things super comfy and get a routine of dinner, bath, books, snuggle time, etc before bed. You are doing wonderful! Nursing to sleep is not a bad thing. My daughter does this, and there is nothing wrong with it. It is about comfort and they want to eat, so what! I had a doctor tell me, when my daughter was six months old that it was time to cut out night time feedings…..I looked at her and said “That is not going to happen, if my baby is hungry..she will get food”. Even professionals are spouting out outdated information. Love your baby, snuggle your baby and continue what you are doing. Be confident in that you are establishing a well balanced, happy child with a strong bond to you. Great work, mama!
thank you. Lori! The public health nurse was talking about how, by 5 or 6 months, they can go 5 or 6 hours without nursing.that definitely didn’t happen with me. the sleep talk really left a bad taste in my mouth, so i never followed any of that advice. shortly after, i stumbled onto this site and never looked back!
ok. that was a bit unfair to the nurse. i sis use the routine: dinner, bath, play, bed
Hiya, great post but seems to be missing a lot of links? The ones for the references are there, but you’ve got various links to other articles you’ve written (and I think one to the No Cry Sleep Solution or similar) hinted at but not actually there.
Thank you! Forgot to add those in but they are there now 🙂
I have a 9 months old son, still nursing to sleep, and nursing several times during the night. We partially bedshare, meaning we put him asleep in his crib at bedtime (around 8pm) but the first time he wakes (usually after 11pm) we take him to our bedroom and he spends the rest of the night with us (waking 3-5 times afterwards). He’s happy and doesn’t seem sleep deprived (he takes 3 naps during the day, two short and 1 longer), but the thing is that I am (sleep deprived). I can’t easily fall asleep at night each time after he wakes, I don’t sleep well because he’s “invading” my bed space, so when I get up in the morning my back aches and I am not rested at all – and off I go to work! Also, I have a 4 yrs old so I don’t get to rest in the afternoon at nap time.
I can’t say I am happy with the whole situation. Bed sharing is sweet, but after a while I find it exhausting. I wish I could find an effective way to rest AND at the same time keep my baby happy…
Ale, I’m so sorry. Are you drinking lots of caffeine? Often we get into a cycle of using other substances to help with sleep deprivation that actually make falling asleep and reaching deep sleep much harder.
No, I am not! I usually have 1 coffee in the morning and 1 after lunch… I don’t think that’s too much, is it? Anyways, I know this will pass eventually… just feels too much some times 🙁
This has been massively helpful.
I’ve been arguing about my 11 month olds sleeping habits for the last month and it’s always nice to see that I was doing it right, by instinct.
My daughter hasn’t slept through the night since she was an infant. She is about to turn 5, and wakes at least once every night to come and get me, asking me to lay with her. We coslept for quite a while, since it has been just the two of us for a few years. I lay in her bed with her until she is drowsy, sometimes until she is asleep. Then I get into my own bed. We sleep in the same room, but in seperate beds. She is very tall for her age and we don’t fit in the bed together comfortably any more. Do you have any advice to help us both sleep through the night?
Have you considered just putting the beds closer together? Let her feel like you’re right there but you’re in separate sleeping surfaces? If you read the Night Wakings piece, it is really quite normal as research found that the night wakings actually increased until 4 then slowly decreased again. So it’s not abnormal or a sign of anything wrong. Basically, I would talk to her about what it is she wants when she wakes and if it’s just closeness, see if putting the beds together would be enough for her.
I’m having the same issue as Sophia, but the comments and push back are from my husband! He has been very supportive of breastfeeding and bedsharing (after I explained how the one helped with the other), but now that our daughter is almost 2 he keeps bringing up the issue of moving her to her own bed/room and weaning her.
I would like to continue nursing her until she’s ready to stop, and I work full time, so she hardly nurses at all during the day. She nurses to sleep, and back to sleep, every night. If I didn’t nurse at night, I’m sure my milk would dry up pretty quickly and that would be the end of our nursing relationship. She’s not ready for that. I’m not willing sacrifice my own sleep to take the time that a gentle transition would require, and I’m definitely not going to cause her the distress and tears of a less gentle approach.
Any advice/links I can share with my husband to help him understand the benefits of full term breastfeeding? Any advice on the bedsharing?
Thanks!
Heather,
I would first off hope that respecting your wishes (and that of your daughter) in this would be first and foremost. Have you spoken to him about how much it means to you?
In terms of evidence, breastfeeding past infancy is so understudied, we don’t know the exact benefits, however (yeah!) I did do a piece on cancer and breastfeeding (https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/two-bs-and-the-big-c/) which summarizes the research suggesting the risks of childhood cancers (and maternal cancers) increase with less nursing – it’s a dose effect, not an all-or-none. That might help his thinking 😉
You can also just talk about what’s biologically normal and thus what your daughter expects. Or, how much the contact in sleep is helpful (https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/for-the-love-of-sleep/).
Good luck!!
Tracy
Hi everyone! I enjoyed the article. Thank you! My son will be 15 months old on the 19th & he still wakes up like clockwork every 3-4 hours throughout the night to nurse. Yes, I’m exhausted at times & yes I’d love to get a long stretch of sleep but that’s not what’s happening for us right now. I would love it if he’d “sleep through the night” however, I refuse to ‘sleep train’ him & let him CIO. I simply don’t believe in it & feel it’s not healthy at all. We have been taking steps to change it up for example…instead of falling asleep nursing I’m putting him in his crib before he is asleep which has helped. My ped said he is not hungry & does not need the milk during the night. He sad he nurses throughout the night because he’s developed a habit. My son has one overnight with his Dad per week & he sleep through the night with him no problem. He’s never, not once done this for me. It’s interesting, but I am loving the fact that I’m able to listen to my personal intuition & meet his needs from what I know them to be as his Mommy, not by what a book is telling me to do to get my baby to sleep through the night. We are up a lot! Well I am up because as soon as he wakes he wants to eat so I nurse him. So I’m up while he sleep eats all night long. I’m not going to lie…I’d love to get rest. I’m ready for that. I’m just not sure how to help my little guy understand he really doesn’t need to eat all night long. We also co-sleep, but I do put him back in his crib in-between feeding at night. I also nurse him on demand throughout the day & make lots of yummy milkie for him! 🙂 Thanks in advance for any thoughts.
First, remember that just because a baby CAN go without feeding doesn’t mean that’s either what is preferable, normal, or even good for your babe. It’s something we seem to have forgotten in our society.
Re sleep, have you considered bedsharing? It will allow your babe to sleep nurse and you to sleep as well. If you are interested in weaning some sleep (for say a 5 hour period each night), I recommend checking out this link:
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Great! Thanks! I check out the link you provided. We do bed share, but I’m afraid he’ll fall off the bed because he’s all over the place & feel he’s safest in his crib. I bring him into the bed with me always to nurse him & once he’s finished eating I put him back in his crib. Many nights it ends up we sleep in the bed together anyway, but I do make an effort to get him back in his crib. We’re up so much I sleep in a twin bed in his nursery across from his crib. It’s easier this way rather than being in another room in another bed ((my room/my bed)). I also have some concerns about falling completely asleep while he’s nursing because sometimes he will lock his jaw in his sleep!!! Yes, there have been a few occasions where I was for sure my nipple was gone. Of course he never woke up b/c he ONLY does this in his sleep. I am hopeful for some night weening without the tears.
As a warning there most likely will be tears but you will be there to offer comfort and if you find it’s too much, step back and continue to nurse. And remember that you can and should keep it to a set time interval, not all night. Working towards a 5 or 6 hour stretch is much more reasonable than a 10-12 hour stretch!!
Hi
I looked at a friends sleep consultant nap schedule for advice on napping my 6.5 month old. I do not want to do any of the sleep training. I already bf until drowsy and hand him his blankie and that works most of the time. I do however want to extend his catnaps and try and give him more sleep as he is grumpy often and goes on nap strike. For his age they suggest 2 to 3 naps. So I currently am trying 7am wake up, around 9 am 1 st nap for 40 mins naturally wakes up, then 2nd nap around midday. He starts to rouse again after each sleep cycle but I have had some success with feeding between or shushing and holding to extend this nap to anywhere between 1.5 to 2.5 hours but then I fail miserably at an afternoon nap and can not get him to take one even although he is exhausted. I am thinking this is maybe not in sync with his natural rhythms although he does seem tired around these times but when the afternoon nap is missed he goes around 4.5 to 5 hours with no nap. We put him to bed at 7 unless very tired. Do you have any suggestions or science info on babies natural rhythms at this age? I do not leave him in cot once awake as he seems to think its playtime I just move the naps a bit instead. Thank you
Natural rhythms may still be developing at that age – it can take up to nine months for a cycle to establish – and even then, the cycle changes with age. A full cycle is only 1 hour for babies and so rousing in between is actually normal and many babies need help re-establishing sleep at that point. My first suggestion is simply to let your baby wake in the morning when he wakes instead of waking him and then doing naps when you start to see tired signs instead of schedules. If you learn to read your child’s cues, you may have more success with sleep. However, of note, you’re entering the six month to a year sleep regression period so don’t be too surprised by cat naps and missed naps. May be due to teething, the start of separation anxiety, etc.
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