In case you didn’t know, I tend to practice parenting in an evolutionary manner whenever I can. (I don’t get to do it all because I still lack things like alloparenting and lots of multi-age playmates, but as EP isn’t about a checklist, but rather looking back to how humans thrived and understanding why it works to see how it can fit with your life, I’m okay with that.) However, in parenting this way, I have been told by many about all the things my daughter will supposedly never do. From family, friends, and complete strangers. Everyone has an opinion and rarely is it positive.
But my daughter is now coming up on 3 in a few months and I thought I’d revisit the myriad things I’ve been told and where she stands now…
Because we co-sleep: “She’ll never get out of your bed.”
Yes, my daughter is still in our bed. We love co-sleeping. We get to cuddle at night and wake to each other and it’s wonderful. However, I’m still going to hold out and say that she’ll probably request to move to her own room before she leaves for university. Me thinks once a sibling is in the picture and she can share a room with another kid, she’ll be booting us out as quickly as possible!
Because my daughter stayed physically close to me or her dad for the first year of life and wasn’t left alone: “She will never go out and explore. She’ll be too afraid to leave your side.”
Ha! Well, for a while my daughter was clingy. She didn’t want me to leave her side. It’s that whole separation anxiety thing which is totally normal. However, now when we go to the airport, for example, she simply runs off to explore things and play on the play structure without so much as a glance back. I find I have to be much more careful to follow her because she’s not afraid at all to go out and explore her world. Yes, she has times when she wants us to join her on her explorations. I see this as a good thing because it means she wants to spend time with her parents. As for leaving her with others? If she trusts the person and has fun there, she kicks us out the door. I know because she does this a few times a week when she heads to her friends’ place while I do school work. No crying, no tears, no feeling horrible for leaving her upset and being told she’ll get over it. I get a hug, a kiss, and told to leave.
Because my daughter is raised by her mom at home and not in daycare: “She won’t know how to socialize with other children.”
Perhaps she seemed more shy than other kids at a year or so as she wasn’t used to strangers or just feeling the usual separation anxiety, but now? Well, she’s far more social than the vast majority of children she comes across. She is the child that runs up to every new kids she sees, and often it’s them who is shy and hides away. But she doesn’t give up, she’ll just run up to the next child, and so on and so forth. She also likes old people. Middle-aged adults? Not so much unless she really knows you. I’m okay with that – it’s a good safety thing to have in my opinion.
Because she was/is nursed on demand: “She will be a self-entitled brat.”
I’ve actually written an entire post on this one which you can read here. In short, allowing my daughter to nurse on demand means she nurses when hungry or wanting comfort or close contact. All things I don’t hold over my daughter’s head. It does not mean she gets what she wants when she wants. At all. So no, I don’t have a self-entitled brat and anyone who knows her can attest to that. I do, however, have a toddler and that means there will be moments she gets upset and angry when she doesn’t get something she really wants. That’s okay. I act like that too sometimes. (Oh wait – I was nursed on demand until I self-weaned too. Yep, that’s it. My measured disappointment when things don’t work out must be due to that. Got it. I guess that’s why I’ve turned out so horribly from it too.)
Because I wore her all the time as a baby: “She’ll be delayed in learning to walk or crawl.”
I do know that in traditional societies where there are lots of dangers and babies and toddlers are worn until they are about 3, walking is delayed. But they walk. My daughter wasn’t worn as much as that once she was mobile, and though she was worn all the time when she was a baby, once she was a bit older, it was when we went out. I really don’t get how using a stroller would facilitate walking or crawling. In fact, babywearing builds up your baby’s stomach muscles making them stronger which should help walking or crawling. However, my daughter was delayed in neither walking nor crawling, though she didn’t go through the usual process of practicing either of them. She just did them one day (or in the case of walking over 3 days).
Because she was exclusively breastfed for a year (by her choice): “She’ll be malnourished and sick.”
Iron deficiency is something that many parents worry about in an exclusively breastfed infant. However, we did delayed cord clamping so it was not something we had to worry about. Otherwise, she’s healthy as an ox, strong as anything, and now loves fruits, veggies, fish, eggs, etc. She’s not a picky eater (but neither am I and she would have had all sorts of food tastes through breastmilk) and will try anything (most of the time). She still says “yummy boobies” are her favourite over anything else and that’s fine with us because she eats and she eats well.
Because I nursed her to sleep: “She’ll never learn to fall asleep on her own if you don’t force it.”
I can say that we do nurse to sleep for naps still (although if she’s with her dad she falls asleep without the boob on her own). With respect to nighttime, just a few weeks ago my daughter nursed then pulled off the boob and took about 5 minutes to fall asleep on her own (just happily looking at the ceiling and talking to herself). She’d done this a few times – sporadically – in the past so I thought it was one of those times. However, we’re into week 3 and it’s happened every single night. So it seems that, on her own, she has shifted her sleep patterns. She still nurses at night 1-2 times (before a massive morning nurse), but falling asleep? Yep, she is capable of falling asleep without being latched to the breast.
***
What’s the point of this? It’s really for all you parents out there who are constantly being told all these horrible things you’re supposedly doing to your child. When you parent in a way that is no longer mainstream, people feel they can tell you it’s wrong. Especially because timelines won’t necessarily align with what most children do these days (though it begs the question if most children are doing what they are biologically adapted to do or what we’re forcing them to do). Unless you are so supremely confident in your parenting, you may find yourself having doubts at times. Your child hits 2 and is still nursing to sleep? Perhaps a creep of doubt comes to your mind and you start to panic and look at things like sleep training. What I’m trying to say is that your child will be not just fine, but great. Following a child’s development and lead is what human societies have done for the majority of human history, and they have incredibly strong and independent children to show for it. And if, because our society isn’t amenable to this type of parenting all the time, you need to speed things up, that’s okay too, so long as you do it as a responsive parent and truly pay attention to what your child is telling you about the experience.
At the end of the day, take all the “never”s you’re told and realize they are coming from a place of fear of the unknown. Then throw ‘em all away because no one knows your child like you and no one should make you doubt what works for you.
I love it when people share their personal experiences. That is what I’m trying to do too.
My mother always reassured me about things… you know, like that they won’t be in diapers or sucking their thumbs when they go to college. She passed onto me the belief that we need to relax about most things and that children will grow perfectly well in their own time.
I’d like to add a couple of thoughts. My son *is* rather picky and at 3 years and 8 months still nursing a lot. Whenever I have that creeping thought, “well if he didn’t nurse maybe he would be a better eater” I remind myself that NO, I do NOT know he would eat more. And that for this very reason I am glad that he still nurses (quite a lot!)
Also, my daughter who will be 7 this summer still sleeps with me. I’m not worried at all (even though she’s my first and I haven’t had any kids move to their own beds yet). I’ve found that as my kids get older and I *see* them doing things when they’re ready, then I become much more confident that this trend will continue.
Honestly, I just don’t care anymore about cosleeping – it seems normal. I think when you can get to this state then people stop even trying to give you advice. Maybe because I’m happy and confident?
Anyways, thanks for sharing your experiences!
Thank you for sharing too 🙂 And yes, you bring up a wonderful point I should have added – your child might be picky/not sleeping through the night/etc. even if you didn’t parent this way!!! Each child is different and has different needs – it’s up to us to be able to listen and respond to them as best we can 🙂
It’s funny though – no one tries to give me “advice” anymore, but they certainly share their judgments (mind you, I know some very critical people)!!!
Thank you so much for sharing 🙂
Handling the critics is though. I think most critics in my life are biting their tongues 😉 I still feel it though, even if they aren’t saying things out loud. Luckily the people I am with on a regular basis are NOT critical. It’s so important to feel love and supported. (tangent – but Brene Brown’s work is so amazing – Have you read “Daring Greatly”? It’s relevant…)
Yes each child is different. To me it’s become clear that parenting is at least as much (if not more) about the person *I* want to be – and for me kindness is the standard. It’s hard not to want to see “results” or celebrate because it seems like our “methods are working” – but I remind myself that I don’t want to be “right”. Because all children are beautiful, growing people regardless of how they are parented. So I try to take the “competition” out of it. It’s so hard though when so many people have been naysayers about your parenting and you see how beautiful your children are – it’s difficult not to point, and jump up and down, and say “look how amazing they are!!” 😛
What a wonderful post! We’ve raised our daughter along very similar lines as you describe here and she is a happy, independent, secure, inquisitive, social, child… who definitely still sleeps in our bed 🙂 But since she isn’t two yet, I’m not the least bit worried.
Thank you so much again for your posts, They make my day!! its so nice to see and read that its not just me who gets negative feedback for having such natural views. We need not take it personally its just how people see things, differently
i found myself nodding while reading this entire post. after EVERYONE told me wearing my daughter and holding her so much would delay her walking, and her closely approaching seven months without crawling, i started to believe it. and then one day she crawled, and two months later she was running. also the exploring thing… if i am holding her and she sees something she wants to touch or get a better look, she will practically jump out of my arms. i don’t even wear her when we go shopping anymore because she wants to walk. and she’s not even a 18months. we cosleep and nurse to sleep every nap (unless i’m at school. then daddy sings her to sleep, which cannot happen for some reason when i am around…) so i’m loving this post :]
Those, “they’ll never” are so completely untrue. My daughter whom I was told would never wean, never sleep through the night, never leave my side, never stop being so shy, etc. etc. is now a married woman with two kids of her own (whom she’s tandem nursing). She did wean (at past 5), she did sleep through the night (at past 4), she did move into her own bed, she went to grad school 11 hours away from home, she’s always been my more sociable kid. All the things they tell you, just plain aren’t true. I used to tell people “baby them when they are a baby (and babyhood really lasts quite awhile) and you won’t have to baby them the rest of their lives.” It’s true. She’s an unselfish wife and mother (okay she has her moments like all of us, but you’ve got to be pretty unselfish to tandem nurse a nearly 4 year old and a newborn) and all the evil things they told me would happen just plain didn’t. The plus of it all is that we’re good friends, and far better friends than many of my peers who did the cry it out/push them away routine with their kids are with their grown children. There are lots of moments when you can get pretty tired, but the end result is worth it.
Oh I love hearing from people on “the other side”!! That is part of the challenge when we depart from the mainstream – not knowing what it will look like. (of course now I understand more fully that every child will be different, but still – no general idea of what is “normal” or how things *might* progress). I also love your quote, “Baby them when they are a baby and you won’t have to the rest of their lives.” LOVE IT! I’m so glad you shared the ages that your daughter did things (my almost 4 year old boy is still going strong on the nursing and wakes at night!) I might steal this comment to keep on my own blog – and of course link EP and give you any credit you would like Liz… let me know if that is ok with both of you, this quote just spoke to me.
I remember wondering when my daughter was still nursing to sleep when she was 2 – well how will she transition? When? And it pretty naturally happened to reading together (which we still do and she’ll be 7 this summer). Thank you again for sharing your experience, more people need to hear examples like these!
EEEE! Yes,I need this too! Our daughter is only 15 mos….but as she is starting to make all these crazy strides toward being such a social, loving, independent little girl, we’re drowning in questions about when/how she will transition out of our bed, wean, etc etc etc. Helpful to hear from someone with adult kids!
Thank you so much for this article!! I am still so early in my parenting journey (my little guy is only 4mo) but already I have encountered so much negativity regarding many of the choices we are making. Usually I am very confident and just shrug it off. But there have been a couple of times where doubt has crept in for just a moment. You have reminded me to continue to trust my instincts. Thank you again!!!
I was/am blessed/cursed with children who are pretty universally early with milestones so most didn’t really have the time to fling these at me, BUT, I got, from several people some version of the following paradoxical conversation about babywearing/responsiveness (not CIO): “how do you ever expect them to let others hold them and socialize normally if you always babywear them and how do you expect them to learn to just play by themselves if you’re always picking them up when they cry?”
“Here, you want to hold them?”
“Oh my gosh you have the most smiley, friendly baby, no stranger fear? Hey, come look at the smiling baby! How do you do it? All your kids are just so adorable, and they play so nicely with the other kids!”
I keep wanting to say “here’s your sign”
Every child is different and every parent is different. That diversity is what makes the world such a rich place. When I feel pressures that my approaches to parenting are not the “right/sanctioned” way, I remember this and that being myself and raising my daughter in a way that is authentic for me, is contributing to her being a part of the beautiful diversity of humanity.
the reality is, we make parenting more difficult by interfering with the ease of just doing what feels like what the baby / child needs. we are so pressured to tune out our own instincts, and our children’s instincts, that we forget that as a species we survived with baby wearing and breastfeeding and cosleeping…we are here because we did the things we are told are so wrong. i wish long term breastfeeding and cosleeping meant my kids were ‘never’ going to do all the very things they all have done! i miss the days i could nurse the child to sleep who was upset with her world or nurse the boy with a ‘boo-boo’ so it was all better. these are not hardships of motherhood..they are the ease of the experience. long after these early times are gone…then comes the hard part when all the things that made it easy are not there and big bad world intrudes on the sanctuary of my lap.
If only these people who told you these things would see my daughter… now age seven, the most social little girl ever, certainly sleeps in your own bed!, healthy and rarely gets ill even to this day… seriously people are just ridiculous sometimes. My two year old prefers his own bed, actually and sleeps better that way (although DD slept in our bed until age four).
“Iron deficiency is something that many parents worry about in an exclusively breastfed infant. ”
There is less iron in breastmilk than formula. The iron in Breastmilk is Species specific. The iron in formula is not. This means that all the iron in the Breastmilk is assimilated. Most of the iron in formula is unable to be assimilated. This is why they have to put so much iron in the formula. This is why breastfed babies do not need iron supplementation. Breastmilk – 1. Formula – 0.
Thank you so much for this site and the information provided. With all of the pressure out there it is really comforting to know that following my instincts isn’t wrong and that maybe I am doing something right. That maybe my child won’t turn out the way everyone tells me she will because we co sleep and i try to be attentive to her needs etc. My DD is 21 months and one of the happiest children. She is still a toddler don’t get me wrong we have our rough days as well but she is independent and curious and confident. What more can a parent ask for than a secure child.
I heard all of these things too. I was able to devote much more time and energy to my older two children when they were little. They both nursed past 3, slept in my bed, were with me 24/7 and were held often, even through naps. With my younger two, I simply have not been able to give them that much personal time. My older two girls were out of my bed by 2 years old, are very attached to each other in a healthy way. My younger two are still in my bed pretty much every night and have been clingier for longer.
Not that I have any regrets. Just doing the best I can with what I have. But I definitely think it was worth all of that attention early on and it has only done the opposite. Those kids are so mature and independent, they get comments all the time about how grown up they speak and act.
Thankyou very much! My daughter also likes to nurse to sleep when with me, but for her dad and gran will go to sleep no bother! So she can do it, but why should I force her to when I’m there?? As for being clingy, yeah she is a little bit at the moment (at 16 months that’s no worry) but forcing her to grow out of that before she’s ready is NOT going to create independence, quite the opposite!
This is pretty much what I do, I do what works for us and my kids. I also don’t simply discount what others are doing, because it’s not what works for me.
Thank you. I nurse my almost-2 year old to sleep and don’t know anyone else who still does this so some doubts were creeping in. Thanks for reminding me to follow my intuition. x
Both my kids were ff to sleep. Both eventually out grew it and both go to sleep after books on their own. No tears needed.
My daughter has taken up this type of parenting and received feedback obviously, because she post these things with some regularity in response. My parenting was considered progressive in my day and,m I have wonderfully independent , loving, witty kids who always progressed way above the curve; first words three months, sitting up no later than four months, couch surfing at seven months and all walked independently nine months including running around.
This is my expectation of parenting as a young inexperienced woman who started at 17 and only had common sense and practicality to go by. They always went everywhere with me and the only sitter they ever had was my Mom or the older kids when the younger came along but only for short periods of time.
My granddaughter is a sweet happy baby, confident and friendly. She spends most of her time on Her Mom but plays independently on play mats, in seats surrounded by toys and music. She has started sleeping longer giving her Mom some extra rest. Overall they are both happy.
It suits them, it has restrictions that would be unacceptable to others but they are happy. And as soon as my daughter stops listening to comments she will not need to justify her choices with articles lie these.
Different paths do not mean wrong ones. I learned that from my dearest friend Barbara, when I was faced with a decision I made to allow my girls to quit school take their GEDs and head into a career path without school politics standing in their way. Yes my raising them to be respectful and to EXPECT the same in return made their career in high school ,where you have to tolerate double standards, lies, prejudices, disrespect, truthful observations and manners, an impossible task. I signed them out, the older by one year studied for a month and aced her GED test with an award in math, her sister , who’s school career left her a nervous person, did almost as we’ll without study. Àll three of my girls are huge successes, responsible and free thinkers.
Different is just that in every generation. What works for one may not work for another. If you want compliant clones do everything the world expects. To have uniquely kids, learn them what will work for both of you and find the way to do it losing none of the respect for them , teaching manners, imposing discipline and consequences for actions and loving them unconditionally .
Also and most of all leave the new parents alone unless they ask. Their success or failure is theirs as well as the fixing it.
My oldest was with me almost 24/7 her first year of life. I held her all the time, nursed on demand, and nursed for 4.5 years, nursed her to sleep and co-slept.
She’s 11 years old now. She goes to bed on her own and has for 8 or 9 years now, she eats a varied and healthy diet, she makes excellent grades, does chores, loves to spend time with me, but also loves spending time away from me. She can spend a week with her grandparents out of state without any anxiety and has since she was 5 years old. 9 yr old is the same way, with slightly different numbers. My younger children are still in the process but I know they’ll be fine. 🙂 I spent more time away from my 5 year old early on, and frankly, I suspect that is part of why she’s clingier than my older girls. I’m not worried about it, because that’s life and I’ve done the best I can for all of my children. But I definitely believe that attachment parenting fosters independence.
Thank you for the article and to everyone for sharing their stories too. As a first time mom with a 4 mos. old whose family isn’t really the breastfeeding/baby wearing/definitely not co-sleeping type, I really appreciate hearing that my instincts might actually benefit my child instead of scarring her for life. Luckily I have a supportive partner and oone friend with an almost 2 year old who breastfeeds and co-sleeps and reminds me that trusting what I think is best for my family is more than okay. I never thought I cared what people said, but when it’s so constant I find myself wondering if I’m nuts. With all the children out there who are neglected, abused, orphaned, or parents who are overworked, underpaid, and completely unsupported – you would think that attention could be better spent on them instead of worrying about my baby getting too many snuggles.