By Anonymous
This is very hard, very personal, and very important, and I have wanted to say something on the topic for a long time. I want to thank Evolutionary Parenting for giving me the opportunity to address it. Recently she reviewed a book about a child sexual abuse survivor and the title, It’s Okay to Tell, says it all.
Sexual abuse is a scary topic, it’s one no parent wants to contemplate, much less talk about. The very notion that someone could do that to their child is beyond enraging. It makes the blood boil; it turns doves into lions, and makes even the meekest parent start thinking about torture methodology. And as well it should. But we need to consider something else too: how our children comprehend our rage.
I’m an abuse survivor, and like the vast majority of survivors my abusers were not creepy old men hiding under rocks. Parents think of ‘child molester’ and we see the monster. We see the boogeyman of our nightmares luring our babies into dark vans. In our minds we turn the perpetrator into the evil he does. And we lash out, trying to comfort us or our children with promises:
“I’d kill anyone who ever touched you”
“I’d beat anyone who hurts you until the cops dragged me off.”
“Anyone ever does that to you, I’ll kill ‘em.”
I’ve heard the like from so many adults I couldn’t possibly count them, even from non-parents. We’re trying to be reassuring, and in our minds we’re telling our children that no one would get away with hurting them. That we would protect them. But let me tell you something, as an abuse survivor I cringe every time I hear such statements because we are reassuring only ourselves, at the expense of the victims—our children.
Do those dirty old men hiding under rocks luring kids to the back of blacked out vans exist? Well, unfortunately. But your child has a better chance of being hit by lightening than running into one. Molesters and rapists of children are playmates, neighborhood teens, friends of the family, trusted adults, and family members almost exclusively.
Now this isn’t my way of telling you to lock your kids up in a safe and never let anyone be alone with them. Abuse happens, it’s horrible, but if you truly want to reduce that chance to nothing, something else won’t happen either, childhood, and to lose childhood is quite a bit worse. I’ve never known an abuse survivor who wished their parents had locked them away from all possible avenues of danger, so please do not take this reminder as fear-mongering.
What it is, is a much needed wake up call.
That monster you just threatened to kill or beat or castrate is the same person you laugh with at the bar-b-que, is the same playmate that your child happily engages in tag, and the same coach, teacher, referee, or moderator that your child is told to trust and obey.
Abuse is horrible. It robs a child of more than just physical innocence, but the abuse is also very much beyond them cognitively. Most children don’t know what’s happening. They are scared. They are in pain. They know it’s wrong, but this is nearly always someone they like. And they very likely have been convinced they are equal partners in the transgression. Children are terrified, so very often, to tell because they think they will get in trouble, after all they ‘let’ it happen.
Trust me, no matter how coerced or forced the silence, the second a child doesn’t fight and scream and bring the neighborhood running they are convinced they ‘let’ it happen, and everyone will be just as angry at them as at the abuser. They don’t want to be responsible for their friend being killed or even just getting in trouble. They don’t want to see your friend turned into your mortal enemy because of their weakness.
While age-peers and those somewhat older may stumble onto this built-in protection by accident, you can be assured adult abusers do everything they can to foster it. They tell their victims that if anyone knew it would ruin their life, that they would be thrown in jail, that their children would lose their father. Imagine for a moment what that looks like through a child’s eyes. Here is your friend’s father (for example) whose house you play at, whose dinners your whole family attends, who lets you play with the cool toys, and then occasionally he does something that makes you sick to your stomach and scares and hurts and you know is wrong but he said everyone does it and it’s part of growing up (a pretty common lie among abusers). He says if you tell anyone they will be angry at you. And meanwhile your dad, after reading an article in the paper or seeing something on TV has proclaimed that he would kill anyone who did something like that to you.
Could you speak up? You believe your parent after all, which means that if you tell your friend’s dad will die, a family that you like will be broken up, and it will all be your fault. The longer it goes on the stronger the compulsion against telling becomes; after all you haven’t told anyone yet, they won’t believe you that it wasn’t your fault, because you would have told. And maybe the abuse stops, you move, they move, you grow too old. And now you can’t ever tell. Because you didn’t then. Because now it’s even worse to contemplate your parents doing violence upon your abuser, after all, it’s over and you just want it to go away. It doesn’t make sense, which itself lends itself to continued silence, because as you mature and begin to comprehend things you didn’t as a child, you can’t understand why you didn’t tell, so it just makes you feel more complicit.
We should all want this horror to stop, for not another child to ever go through it. We should seek that even though, rationally, we know it will never happen. But what can happen is better reporting of the crime and better acceptance of the victim.
As adults, however, we need to bite back our horror and rage. We need our children to feel comfortable approaching us. When the abuser is most likely a friend that means we need to stop verbally denigrating the perpetrators (at least where children can hear). I don’t mean say it’s good or okay, I mean focus on the act, not the person. We see a monster, but the child doesn’t. The child sees a monstrous act. If we want them to tell us about it, we need to understand that’s two separate things to kids.
It’s horribly important to talk to your kids in an age appropriate manner, about bad touches and bad secrets, but that’s not enough. My parents did that, and did it very well. In fact I’ve yet to run into an abuse victim (whose abuser wasn’t their parents) who didn’t feel like their parents did that. Most victims don’t tell because they are afraid, afraid of the consequences of telling. We need to let our children know they can have a ‘free pass’ time (or whatever you want to call it) when they can tell us anything and they won’t get in trouble for it. And, perhaps even more important, we need to ensure our kids never hear us threaten or denigrate abusers or put into their minds that only monsters abuse kids. Because they will believe us, and then they won’t tell us when the kindly neighbor or best friend does something horrible because to a confused and frightened kid, their abuser is almost never a monster.
Please, from someone who was silent for more than ten years, stop telling kids you’ll do harm to their abusers. The feeling is fine, and we should express it in adult company. It can do a lot of emotional good to adults to contemplate what an abuser deserves. But it doesn’t help a frightened child to come forward one bit, and as far as our children are concerned we should be more interested in stopping it than punishing it.
Thank you for considering my words,
An Anonymous Survivor
Related posts:
Guest Post: Instinctive Parenting?
May 24, 2013
Long-Term Effects of Breastfeeding
May 23, 2013
Press Release Re: Carpenter et al. Bedsharing Study
May 20, 2013
Bullying, Parenting, and Communication
May 18, 2013
Birth Story: Kristy and Baby Rainy
May 16, 2013
Birth Story: Kristy and Baby Astra
May 15, 2013
Formula Helps Breastfeeding?
May 13, 2013
Fighting For Homebirth (Again)
May 10, 2013
I’m Sorry, We Failed: A Follow Up
May 10, 2013
Do No Harm?
May 08, 2013Share
Survivor
As a survivor or rape who felt I could not tell my parents as a direct result of comments my mother had made, thank you for this post. It’s so important to get this message out.
Cate
What a brilliantly well written article. Well done! I realise that this is a sensitive issue and so it isn’t surprising you’ve written this anonymously, but I hope you get the chance to write under your own name and be recognised for your work. :0)
An Anonymous Survivor
Thank you, both to Tracy, the commenters both here and on facebook, and the readers. Thank you for understanding the anon nature of the post. Usually I don’t write under a guise, but I do direct people to this site and it stuck me as a really poor way for a relative I haven’t told yet to find out because they stumble across a survivor’s article by me. Obviously I feel strongly about this and I’m very pleased that this is getting out there. I really wish this was something with wider recognition, and I hope this helps.
Chloe
Wow! What an amazing article! I am SO sorry that you had to go through all that, but I am very proud of you for putting this out there. You are obviously an amazing, strong, determined person and we are all blessed to have you putting your story out there to raise awareness. It’s such an amazing, brave thing to do and I know it will help a lot of people. Even though I won’t be a parent for years (I’m only nineteen), I love children and can’t wait to raise my own someday. I am constantly looking at things to help prepare myself for parenthood so I can be the best mother I can possibly be. Obviously, I am very against sexual abuse of any type and whenever we hear of such stories, my boyfriend and I always launch into the “What I would do if someone touched my child” conversation. It’s very interesting to hear why these statements are not good to use around a child, and why. I think so often people forget how much different a child’s thought process is from our own. I don’t think I would have ever realized that a child most likely isn’t going to view an abuser (who is close to the family) as a monster. I think this article should be a must read for all parents. Thank you again for sharing your story and being a strong, amazing person!
dianthe
thank you so much for sharing! i’ve worked really hard to teach my 4 year old know that no one is allowed to touch her without her permission and that if anyone ever tries to touch her or even asks to see her privates, she is to immediately tell them “NO!” and then tell Mommy or another adult – your post is a great reminder to add that i will NEVER be mad at her for telling
i always remember how Oprah says that abusers seduce their victims – it’s such an important thing to remember how easily victims can be convinced that it’s their fault – thank you so much for the reminder!
Heather T.
Seriously sobering, and an aspect I hadn’t taken time to contemplate. Thank you.
Nichole
I agree with you 100%. My older sister was aboused by a close family friend. She wasn’t sure she sould tell our parents because she didn’t want him to get in trouble. She told me instead. I went to my parents who reassured my sister that it wasn’t her fault and that they would never let her be hurt again. The abuse was then prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Our parents always let us know that it was not our fault and never freaked out about revenge or anything else in front of us. I now have children of my own and my youngest son was recently touvhed by someone who is only a bit older. He didn’t even realize that the abuse would get in trouble when he told me because I had learned well from my parents. He just didn’t like what had happened and wanted me to talk to the older child. I asked my parents how they had not lost their minds because I wanted to. Thankfully I was able to keep my cool and resolve the situation without my son feeling that he had done anything wrong. I appreciate this article so much because so many people need yo be aware of. I am sorry for what you went through and admire you for speaking out.
Virginia Ayers
Thank you for sharing your clear thinking. I like the idea of children being able to tell something where a parent promises not to react in anger where the child is aware of it. Venting is for confidential sessions so that we can process our emotions and then think more clearly.
Years ago I heard a pedophile on the radio say that the best preventive protection is for parents and teachers and other caregivers in positions of authority is to allow children to say “no”. When I heard that I realized that some of the power struggles that we are tempted to engage in with children have to do with our whims and our wants. I am finding with my grandchildren that if I announce late in the day that I am feeling tired, and that I have little patience, they treat me differently. I do let them question my directions and stop to reason when I hear a “no”. I know this os only a small part of it. I just wonder what you think.
An Anonymous Survivor
I do think it’s very important to respect children’s ability to say ‘no’, but of course it’s a balancing act because there are certainly times when telling a parent ‘no’ isn’t an option. I think the most important part along those lines is never to ignore a ‘no’ when in reference to affection or touch. Everyone wants to hug and kiss kids, it’s natural and normal, but if junior shakes his head no when auntie wants a kiss I think it’s important to wait and not force the issue, kids should know there are certain things they are allowed to say no to, ‘go pick up your toys’ might not be one of them but ‘can grandpa have a hug?’ Should be, in my opinion.
Also, I applaude you advizing them when the rules have changed. Telling your grandkids ‘grandma’s patience is shot, no nonsense tonight’ is very wonderful, it let’s them have an expectation and act appropriately.
Rose Cole
Thank you so much for mentioning this part about allowing our children to say “no”. I can speak from experience that I didn’t know I could say no, or that I could ask for what I wanted or needed. This is key!
Dr. Kwame M. Brown
I truly commend your honesty and rational mind here, and am grateful for your courage. As someone who has had thousands of kids under my care over a career, the thought that an adult would abuse a child makes me shudder.
But what makes me shudder more is that the very beauty of a child (their love for others) could be such a double edged sword. I have worked with kids after they’ve suffered from abuse, and the effects are devastating. ANYTHING that helps bring awareness to solutions for this is much needed.
Karen
Thank you.
Rose Cole
Thank you so very much for writing this! Now that I have a daughter this scares the crap out of me, but it’s comforting that there’s something proactive that we can do.
Anon
A wonderful article- though I’d like to bring up one more facet. I didn’t tell my parent because I thought my dad would kill him(a neighbor kid) and my dad would go to jail. I wasn’t so much concerned about the abuser as I was my dad going to jail. Might have been 7yrs old, not sure.
Anonymouse
Thank you for creating this article. As someone who was abused as a child by a friend’s dad, I can certainly agree with the fear of getting in trouble and of getting someone else in trouble. My abuser was a decent father to his children, and I didn’t want my friend to lose her father when I myself had an absent one and I knew that pain. I kept quiet for years until another friend’s parent noticed something weird was going on and reported it to CPS. I was still terrified, and though I do not regret telling the truth, finally, I do wish I had of done so earlier. And we also need to address the stigma that goes along with this. Quite a few of my peers loathed me, yes me, because they claimed I asked for it. No one asks for that. I still do not like going to the town I was raised in because I still feel the prejudice. Not only do we need to teach children that they can tell us, their parents, about these things without fear of retribution, but we also need to teach our children that it is not a child’s fault when this happens. Hopefully in doing so, if it should happen to a classmate they will be more accepting of the child.
A nother surviver
Totally agree and thank you for this post. It’s so important to know how a parents anger can affect a child being able to speak up. I was abused by a family member, and consequently many other family members have excluded me. Even though one of them whitnessed the abuse on occasion she has shunned me for asking for it, I was 12. I didn’t want to tell my parents as the family was close. I finally did, but the family is now divided into 2 camps: his and “mine” and I’m 30 now! Because of this accusatory attitude towards me I still have trouble believing he was a monster, especially when I am told about his daughter, who was born the day after mine. Abuse is horrible and devastating, as parents we must do anything we can to ensure our children know well believe them and stand by them no matter what. Thanks again for posting this.
Tracy
I am so sorry your family has done that to do. I always wonder how people can behave that way – is it denial? Is it shooting the messenger? Either way it’s wrong and I hope at some point in your future your family is able to come together to support you.
Kathryn
This is a good post, well said. I would take it one step further, although this may be hard to accept: Fostering the attitude of wanting to exterminate a horrific monster, among adults, or even just in your own heart, may not be healthy either.
We all want to believe in monsters. That way, we can remain in denial, separating our own humanity from the beast that would harm our child. Only monsters do this, we think, they are just good at disguising themselves and blending in. If we can only find out who they are, we can eradicate them.
However, very few human beings are actually born as monsters. The vast majority of child rapists and abusers, in fact, have had this done to them. Once upon a time, that “monster” was an innocent little child, too. Had you been there, and learned what some adult was doing to that child, you would have felt the same outrage on his behalf, wanted to kill the adult responsible. Subsequently, the child victim you know today, could grow up to be that “monster” too. That is hard to think about, but logically, it is true.
I certainly do not mean to suggest that perpetrators should not be punished, or should be given sympathy or understanding. When necessary they should be locked away forever, so they can never harm another child.
I just feel that it is vital to understand that, no matter how vile someone is, or how horrific his crimes, he is still a human being – and to try to separate him from our own humanity is a mistake, one that can cost us, the awful price of denial.
An Anonymous Survivor
Perhaps it is because I have a history of abuse, but I have always found this line of reasoning abhorant. The victim who becomes an (adult) abuser, to my eyes, is far more dispicable than someone who was not abused. Yes, I absolutely have total empathy and sympathy for them as innocent abuse victims, and would want to see their abusers brought to justice. But to then, in full knowledge of what abuse does to the victim, turn around and choose to perpetuate that abuse is the worst sort of offense possible. it is an offense with full forethought and understanding, ultimate knowledge of *exactly* the damage they are doing. Those people *are* monsters. And I in no way see that as a separation of his humanity, for it takes humanity to be a monster. His humanity is what makes him responsible and held accountable. To excuse an adult’s choice by a childhood trauma is what distances them from humanity and is the epitamy of denial. Denial that they, like all humans, are responsible for their actions and should be held responsible for behaving in a monstrous manner.
In children this is an excuse, the 6 year old abuse victim who in turn acts out his abuse on another child is not a monster, but rather a scared child who is doing what children do, mimic the behavior of the adults around them. To classify them as abusers is dangerously hypocritical and certainly the apex of denial. But a 20, 30, or 50 year old who tries to use ‘it happened to me’ as an excuse, even as an explanation, is doing nothing more than playing on societies horror at the act. Surely something so monstrous from this otherwise nice person can’t possibly be *their* fault, *they* can’t be a monster, they are just repeating the cycle of abuse. Bull.
They are monsters hiding behind a false facade who choose in full understanding of the damage they would be doing to terrorize an innocent child for their own ends, and they get not an ounce of sympathy from me and would be punished even more severely for their willful and wanton act of knowledge if I had a say in it.
Kathryn
My experience with my abusers was different. They truly did not understand the damage done to them. I am not sure they even knew it was considered abuse. I only learned what had happened to them by putting the pieces together of their stories, and those of relatives. I know that my mother did not understand that what my father was doing was abuse, and she did not believe me as a child when I told her he was alcoholic, because her father had been exactly the same way. This is partly because in both cases, the behavior had been framed in an expression of “affection.” Later in life, my mother apologized to me for being “blind.”
At what age do you decide the abused child turned abuser is now a “monster?” 12? 18? When do they magically click over from being victims, to being despised by society? If no one steps in to get therapy for the child, or at least find some way of teaching him the behavior is not a normal way for parents or other close relatives to act, when does accountability start? Recall, too, that the generations of relatives of which I speak, born between 1900 and early 1930s, did not have the benefit of social awareness, or modern psychotherapy available.