One of the things I hear parents lamenting more than anything as their sweet bundle of joy turns into a talking and walking toddler is that suddenly they have yet another person in the house who doesn’t listen to them.  Parents often expect a toddler to not just listen to them, but obey them, and so of course it’s infuriating when they don’t, especially if you feel that you are being a gentle, respectful parent.  It can start to feel a little personal.  The problem is that it’s just not realistic and misses some of the more crucial points when we talk about toddler behaviours and expectations.  Now, I’m not saying we should all expect our children to never listen to us or that we shouldn’t aim to get them to work with us as often as possible, but before we talk about the ways in which we may sabotage that process, we have to talk about the reality we can expect from our younger children.

Source: Unknown

Source: Unknown

The Toddler Brain

By the end of the first three years the brain has undergone rapid and extensive development[1], but there is still a long, long way to go and one of the areas that still requires extensive development at this age is the prefrontal cortex which actually isn’t finished developing until we’re into our 20s[2][3].  At birth and continuing for the first three years, there is immense synaptic growth – so much that we couldn’t function with that many connections for our entire lives.  This means the next part of neural development is what we call “pruning”, where synaptic connections that aren’t strong enough end up dying or being pruned away.  This starts around 12 months of age but continues into our 20s[3].  Pruning is the process by which our brains map the paths our brain will make in response to our environment and situations based on the strength of these connections that come from our experiences.  And again, it seems to come later in the prefrontal cortex.

Source: Trevarthan C. From Answers.com

Source: Trevarthan C. From Answers.com

Why does the prefrontal cortex matter?  It’s is to help us regulate our behaviours, reduce impulsivity, and all that fun stuff us parents like to think of as “listening”.  Now, this doesn’t mean toddlers have no inhibitory control, but that their control is very limited and not nearly as advanced as that of a grown adult.  It increases as your child ages, but we must always be aware of their limited development when looking at their behaviour.  Some of the functions that the prefrontal cortex is involved with include[4]:

  • Planning
  • Decision making
  • Emotional responses to situations (i.e., emotion regulation)
  • Attention and concentration
  • Working memory

If you think of your toddler and how they sometimes respond when you ask them to do something or stop something, can you see why they may be having a pretty hard time?

What Can A Parent Do?

Even though there are neurological reasons a child may not immediately respond to you or do what you ask, know that many children are capable of listening and responding if we work with them where they are at.  There are also many things parents do that reduce the likelihood that a child will listen to them and some things they should consider doing if they want their child to listen.  Remember though: We’re talking about getting your child to listen, but that doesn’t necessarily mean obey so make sure you are also willing to discuss the situation with your child once you know they are listening.

(As a quick aside, if your child really seems as if s/he cannot follow what you are saying or doesn’t ever look at you when you talk, you may want to consider visiting your doctor to look for other possible causes.)

The following steps are ones you can take to help meet your toddler where they are at to help alleviate your own stress over the issue of “listening”:

Look At Your Child.  I realize in our society we are used to being able to talk to people without looking at them and they know we are trying to communicate with them, but early on, children don’t have this sense.  Eye gaze is one of the biggest cues children use to understand both what people are talking about and who they are talking to[5] and it’s essential we use it with them.  This is particularly essential if we are talking about something important for eye contact tells us that our child is focused on us and not something else (and equally important tells them that we are focused on them and nothing else).

 

Redirection Over Commands.  Often I hear myself and other parents just use “Stop!” when we don’t like what our children are doing, but this is one of the things that’s difficult for a brain that doesn’t have a developed prefrontal cortex.  One way researchers assess the development of inhibitory control in preschoolers is using a card switching task.  This research finds there is a clear developmental trajectory in which young children can inhibit or switch behaviours when it’s simple or easy, but the more complex the behaviour or the task, the more difficult it is[6].

This is why just saying stop won’t necessarily help when a child is engaged in something because that will always be complex and enjoyable to them (and of course being involved means they also are less likely to even hear what you’re asking, especially if you never got that eye contact).  If you need a behaviour to stop, kids will require your help and one of the best ways to help is to explicitly redirect the action.  For example, imagine a child is painting on the walls.  He is likely absorbed in the task and just hearing “Stop that!” won’t elicit stopping because it’s like he’s on a loop where he just has to and wants to keep going.  Instead, going over and acknowledging the work (“Wow – I can see you like to paint!”) then redirecting somewhere else (“Why don’t you paint on this easel instead as we’re not allowed to paint on the walls”) will often do the trick.  Not only does it change the behaviour, but it teaches another appropriate behaviour that the child can go to the next time there’s a desire to be creative.

Save Your “No”s and “Stop”s.  If you spent a day counting the amount of time you said “no” or “stop” you might be surprised.  Parents find themselves saying it in response to almost everything, and especially in response to little things that really aren’t all that important.  The problem is that if you use these words too much, they lose their power.  (Now it may not be the specific words you use, but the tone of voice as well as that can convey the message of frustration or annoyance and you also want to limit this.)  Figuring out the words or tone you want to use when you really need your kids to listen is important; then focus on only using it when you really have to.  After all, if our children as so used to hearing these words multiple times a day, is it a wonder they stop listening and just tune us out?

Don’t Yell.  I kind of lied above.  There is one time at which children will stop when you say “Stop!” and that’s when they feel fear and there are three ways in which this can happen: (1) The child hears the fear in her parent’s voice; (2) The child hears the words from the parent and knows their seriousness because they aren’t used often; or (3) The child hears the anger in the parent’s voice and feels fear from that.  Case 1 is a legitimate use of fear and is what we are biologically primed for.  Case 2 is what I spoke about above with respect to saving your words for when absolutely necessary.  Case 3 is the case of yelling or punishment.  You might think that it’s just as good as 1 or 2 if it gets the same short-term results, but you would be wrong.

When children respond out of fear, they don’t learn how to manage their own emotions or behaviour[7], which should be what we are aiming for in the long-run.  As such, yelling isn’t a good socialization tool and is often only used when we feel we’ve lost control.  Although it may instill some short-term changes, as your children adapt to your yelling, it becomes like the words “no” or “stop” and you may end up escalating.  As Dr. Elizabeth Gershoff said with respect to physical punishment, “[It] doesn’t work to get kids to comply, so parents think they have to keep escalating it.  That is why it’s so dangerous.”

Listen to Your Kids.  If there is only one thing you take from this, it’s that you need to listen to your children too.  I’m not talking just about in the moment when you’re trying to get them to stop something or work with you (because clearly if they are trying to explain why they are doing something and why it is important to them, you ought to listen and take it into consideration), but more generally parents don’t always listen.  Research shows that parents who listen to their children and follow their lead when it’s possible have children who are more likely to not only listen to their parents, but follow along when the parents make a request[8].  In the larger scheme of things, if you create an environment where your child feels heard and respected, they are likely to reciprocate that respect and when you need cooperation, they are going to be more likely to listen to what you have to say and talk it out with you.

***

Listening is a complex behaviour that isn’t just about what happens in the moment.  It requires a larger look at how we’re behaving in the larger scheme of things and understanding the limitations that our younger children have.  When we know these limitations, we can alter our behaviour to make sure we maximize our interactions with them and reduce our own frustrations.  For more on discipline, you can check out my course Sharing Control: A Course on Discipline Across the Ages.

 


[1] Zero to Three Foundation (http://www.zerotothree.org/)

[2] Gogtay N, Giedd JN, Lusk L, Hayashi KM, Greenstein D, et al. Dynamic mapping of human cortical development during childhood through early adulthood.  PNAS 2004; 101: 8174-9.

[3] Anderson SL.  Trajectories of brain development: point of vulnerability or window of opportunity?  Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews 2003; 27: 3-18.

[4] Yang Y, Raine A.  Prefrontal structural and functional brain imaging findings in antisocial, violent, and psychopathic individuals: a meta-analysis.  Psychiatry Research 2009; 174: 81-8.

[5] D’Entremont B, Hains SMJ, Muir DW.  A demonstration of gaze following in 3- to 6-month-olds.  Infant Behavior and Development 1997; 20: 560-572.

[6] Diamond A, Carlson SM, Beck DM.  Preschool children’s performance in task switching on the dimensional change card sort task: separating the dimensions aids the ability to switch.  Developmental Neuropsychology 2005; 28: 689-729.

[7] Chang L, Schwartz D, Dodge KA, McBride-Chang C.  Harsh parenting in relation to child emotion regulation and aggression.  Journal of Family Psychology 2003; 17: 598-606.

[8] Grusec JE, Davidov M.  Integrating different perspectives on socialization theory and research: a domain-specific approach.  Child Development 2010; 81: 687-709.