The following videos and text are different, but complimentary. That is, the text that follows is NOT a copy of the text in the videos.
Recently the following picture led to quite the debate on Facebook:
If you read here regularly then you probably guessed that I sided very squarely on the side of this being the wrong way to handle tantrums. Not only do I struggle with the use of the sign, but the sharing of the photo on a page asking how people handle tantrums (putting this up as a laudable example) was a bit too much like public shaming of a toddler.
The comments that disturbed me the most were those that suggested that you must ignore tantrum behaviour because the only alternative is to “give in”. This saddens me because in the black and white view, I can understand why people so vehemently support ignoring “bad” behaviour (we’ll get to the “bad” part soon), but it ignores that there is a middle ground in which you do not give in and do not ignore. It’s that I want to talk about here.
Is a Tantrum “Bad”? Or What is a Tantrum?
So often the first response when we think of tantrums is that we don’t want to reward “bad” behaviour. The idea is that the child is having a tantrum simply to be bad. At no stage in development do I believe a child who is otherwise emotionally calm will decide to throw a tantrum just to be “bad”. They may be upset and showing it in an inappropriate way, they may have even learned it gets the type of attention they are looking for, but they aren’t trying to be “bad”.
Now what about the other argument: “My child has to learn s/he can’t get whatever s/he wants”? One of the problems today is that people believe the only alternative to ignoring a child is to give in. Many tantrums will come not from a plea for attention, but simply because a child isn’t getting his/her way, what s/he wants, etc. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean that you have to give in and buy your children everything they want or let them watch as much TV as they want or eat all they want. It really doesn’t. It means that you accept that when you say “no”, you may face resistance, and more importantly that saying “no” does not mean you need to also deny your child the comfort and care that they associate with you. It is horribly sad to me that we have hit a stage where parents view the only alternative to giving in as ignoring their child. These seem like polar opposites and yet (as we’ll get to) are actually quite similar in how we deal with tantrums, but neither is effective if we want to teach our children how to actually regulate emotions so as to help them down the line.
So… what is a tantrum? Well, neurologically we can think of a tantrum as a child being on emotional overload. It may have started with one thing the child wanted and you said “no”, but quickly, to the child, it became more than that. It may be a combination of tiredness, hunger, or simply frustration at not feeling understood (this is especially common in younger years), but the additional layers simply made one moment the perfect storm to act out. When this happens, your child is trying to communicate with you, to explain, to be heard, even if it’s done in what we would say is an “inappropriate way”. The problem is that for them, it’s not inappropriate, it’s the only way they currently have at the moment to express themselves. (This is important and we’ll talk about this later because it acknowledges that we can help give our children other means for later moments.)
Importantly, tantrums happen. No matter how great a parent you are, you can experience a tantrum. It does not mean you haven’t met a child’s needs. It does not mean you are a bad parent. More so, if you fail to stop it in a moment, it does not make you a bad parent. Tantrums happen. I can’t repeat that enough. In the toddler-preschool period, our children are developing rapidly and they are taking in so much information and can’t necessarily process it all. We are putting expectations on them that they may not be ready to meet, and we don’t always know what they can take and what they can’t. They are asserting independence while feeling still quite dependent, and as much as they want to walk away, they don’t want us to walk away. These things all combine to make tantrums happen, so let’s just accept that fact now, okay?
One of the things I feel is most important to clarify in this section is our expectations of toddler-preschool behaviour. At this age, behaviour is going to be limited in part by the development (or lack thereof) of the brain. The problem for toddlers and preschoolers and children is that the area of the brain that assists with emotion regulation is the prefrontal cortex[1]. The prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until our mid-20s[2]. This isn’t to say areas don’t come online that allow for a variety of behaviours that include elements of emotion regulation, but when we’re talking about emotion regulation during periods of high distress, we need all the regulation we can get and younger children don’t have it. Furthermore, as many parents often realize, tantrums are far more likely to occur what a child is in a stressed-out state already from being hungry or tired or overwhelmed. These states predispose a child to becoming even more overwhelmed and that’s when tantrums tend to hit. Being aware of your child’s state can help parents avoid tantrums before they start.
Why Are the Usual Methods Wrong?
By “usual methods” I refer to the plethora of people suggesting that we ought to ignore children when they are having a tantrum. I understand why people feel this way as behaviourism is rampant in our society, especially with children. I don’t particularly care what you’ve done in the past or why, but am hoping to help clarify things for you moving forward. Unfortunately when you speak against this, as I mentioned, people believe the only alternative is to “give in” and this leads to a cycle in which people think that those of us against ignoring must be promoting permissiveness. We’re not. In this section I want to talk about why these two actions are actually two sides of the same coin and what it means for later emotional development.
To talk about this I need to talk about empathy and its development and components. The development of empathy starts in a very egocentric manner with the appearance of emotion contagion[3][4][5], also known as that moment when one baby in a room of babies cries and suddenly they are all crying. The initial crying serves as a trigger for the baby that someone else is in distress. Interestingly, this is the one of the main findings that has served to tell us that we are hardwired to empathize with others; that it is a skill we are supposed to develop and should not need “teaching” so much as just the right experiences and modeling. The problem with younger babies is that they hear the cry and they don’t have the mental capacity to realize it’s another infant and then to respond to them, so instead they experience distress and cry themselves.
This reaction of being upset at the distress of another is called personal distress and remains a component of empathic reactions for all of our lives[6][7]. The problem is that when we experience too much personal distress in response to someone else, we are unable to act out of empathic concern, the other component that allows us to separate our feelings of distress from the other individual’s and work to alleviate someone else’s pain[6][7]. What happens when personal distress overpowers empathic concern? We act in a way to alleviate our own distress and not the other persons[8][9]. Sometimes these overlap and the only way to help our own distress is by helping another, but as long as there’s an easier way out, most people will take it[10][11].
How does this related to handling tantrums? I don’t know anyone who would say that a tantrum does not bring out feelings of anxiety and discomfort for themselves as well. We get flustered because we want it to stop, the screaming grates at our every nerve, and the tears make us want to both hug and shake our children to make it stop. You can probably double the discomfort if you’re out in public and you see all people turn to you with condemnation in their eyes.
The issue now is that we can respond in a way that stems from personal distress or we can respond in a way that stems from empathic concern. As different as ignoring or giving in may seem, they actually both represent responding out of personal distress. In giving in, the tantrum is stopped immediately and anxiety is reduced. In ignoring, the parent is actually shutting down their own awareness of the event. Many parents walk away to put physical distance between them and the tantrum, whereas others are capable of simply tuning out what is happening around them. However, neither response acknowledges or assists the child emotionally or behaviourally moving forward.
In sum, giving in all the time can lead to entitlement and an inability to handle boundaries. However, ignoring your child can lead to an inability to regulate emotions (especially negative emotions[14]) and in turn prevent the development of empathic concern. I don’t know a single parent that has these as long-term goals for their child.
What You Can Do
So here it is, what do you do? I’m here telling you not to give in and not to ignore, and I imagine most of you are thinking I’m insane. First, we have to talk about separating the physical from the emotional. They manifest in each other, but a child who is in distress is emotionally vulnerable and in need of help whereas the (presumably) physical need (or want) does not need to be fulfilled. Too often we parents feel that if we give our children any emotional contact, we are somehow telling them that a particular behaviour is “okay”.
It’s not true.
Believe it or not, but our children are capable of understanding the difference between emotional support and “giving in”.
Here is the basic plan: You acknowledge and support your child through this emotional period without giving into the boundary you’ve set. Radical, right? Sadly, yes, in our society, but not really when we think of behaviour over a longer period of time. It is actually okay to hug a child that is upset you said no while also maintaining that “no”.
What does this look like? Well, a while ago I shared this incident that I had with my daughter on Facebook and I think it’s relevant to the discussion here today:
Last night my daughter asked to watch The Aristocats after we went to the library to take it out. Of course I said yes, but reminded her that afterwards it would be time to get ready for bed. After it ended, she wanted to see it again. I said “no”. She asked again, and again, and again, all met with no’s. Finally she broke down. Full on tears and screams and telling me that she wanted the movie.
I realized in that moment it was one where many parents would drag their kid upstairs, kicking and screaming most likely, and say that was that. I didn’t. I sat with her. I told her I understood that it sucked when you couldn’t watch something you want. I hugged her. After about 5 minutes she asked to nurse and I said yes. She calmed down while nursing. Then she asked one more time and again, I said no.
Here we see a child whose emotions are accepted and validated, but where the boundary is reinforced. At no point was my daughter going to watch the movie again, but I was not going to ignore the tears and screams that came from her. She was upset and I understood why so I offered the comfort I could while maintaining the boundary. I’ll be honest that frankly this was harder. It would have been so much easier to either put the movie back on or tell her I’m ignoring her and go do something for myself or drag her to bed. I didn’t. I took the hard road and sat with her and was there when she was ready.
(Notably, 5 minutes here was WAY less than previous because this has been our tactic for years and our max time was an hour before she would come cuddle and calm down. That’s okay – she’s a child learning her emotions. She spent an hour trying to regulate herself before she accepted she couldn’t and she should never be penalized for it.)
What did I get for my efforts?
She then told me, “Don’t worry, I’m not angry. I’m frustrated” (though it may have sounded more like “fustated”). I again told her I understood and then explained why too much TV, especially before bed, isn’t a good idea because of how it affects the brain. Not sure how much she understood as she tried to argue that the movie would help her stomach, but she accepted and then we played for a bit. Then we went upstairs, got ready for bed, cuddled, and slept.
This morning she woke up and started talking about it. She said she was frustrated when she wanted to watch her movie. She asked if she made me frustrated last night and I said no, not at all. She told me I made her frustrated. I said I was sorry (and I am, I know I have to do it as a parent, but it doesn’t mean I like it) and then she said, “That’s okay. I love you.”
This is what I want for my child long-term and what I hope you all want for yours: A child that understands their own emotions, feels comfortable sharing even the most negative of emotions, and knows that I, her parent, will be there to help in a time of need. I want to reiterate here that this experience came after years of implementing this method, not always to such quick and wonderful results, but when it came to this stage, I realized how well it had worked. It was not easy, it was freaking hard. Every time a tantrum came on, it took all I had to put my own feelings of anger/sadness/anxiety/discomfort aside to realize my daughter was reaching out. In a socially inappropriate way, but reaching out nonetheless, and then to reach out back to her.
It doesn’t end here though. Once you have been there for your child and your child is calm (this is critical), this is the time to talk about alternate strategies. It can seem frustrating that you share alternatives only to face the same situation the next time. And the time after. And the time after that… But you will hit a stage in which it clicks. When it clicks will vary child to child and it won’t be a reflection of your parenting but rather the fact that every child is different and emotion regulation doesn’t kick in on a set schedule. However, the more you provide your children with these alternatives and work with them when they are calm to practice them, the easier it will be for them to use them when they are in a state of distress. Positive learning when distressed is, quite simply, an oxymoron[15]. They will not, however, be able to practice these tricks if you don’t teach them and if they don’t feel that you are there to help them when they need it. It’s like asking someone to walk a tightrope when you’ve proven you won’t be there to catch them if they fall. It just doesn’t work.
Conclusions
Tantrums happen, especially to younger children. They are not trying to harm us, but are simply in a state of high distress themselves and are trying to communicate with us. Ignoring them or giving in are not the only solutions and in fact if we can learn to separate the emotional from the behavioural response, we have a chance to support our kids while maintaining boundaries. If we hope to raise emotionally healthy children who can manage their own emotions while caring for others, being there in times of distress is essential. Please remember that.
You can follow-up here with a piece on how to approach the “finding alternatives” and avoiding tantrums to begin with.
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[1] Yang Y, Raine A. Prefrontal structural and functional brain imaging findings in antisocial, violent, and psychopathic individuals: a meta-analysis. Psychiatry Research 2009; 174: 81-8. [2] Gogtay N, Giedd JN, Lusk L, Hayashi KM, Greenstein D, et al. Dynamic mapping of human cortical development during childhood through early adulthood. PNAS 2004; 101: 8174-9. [3] Zahn-Waxler C, Radke-Yarrow M. The origins of empathic concern. Motivation and Emotion 1990; 14: 107-30. [4] Hoffman ML. Empathy and Moral Development: Implications for Caring and Justice. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press, 2000. [5] Hatfield E, Cacioppo IT, Rapson RL. Emotion Contagion. Madison, WI: C.W. Brown, 1993. [6] Batson CD. The Altruism Question. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum, 1991. [7] Batson CD. Altruism and prosocial behavior. In D. Gilbert, S. Fiske, & G. Lindzey (Eds.), The handbook of social psychology, 4th edition (Vol. 2, pp. 282-316). New York: McGraw-Hill, 1998. [8] Eisenberg N, Fabes RA, Miller PA, Fultz J, Shell R, et al. Relation of sympathy and personal distress to prosocial behavior: a multimethod study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1989; 57: 55. [9] Eisenberg N, Eggum ND. Empathic responding: sympathy and personal distress. In J. Decety & W. Ickes (Eds.), The Social Neuroscience of Empathy (pp.71-83). Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 2009. [10] Batson CD, Duncan BD, Ackerman P, Buckley T, Birch K. Is empathic emotion a source of altruistic motivation? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1981; 40: 290-302. [11] Carrera, Oceja, Caballero, Muñoz, López-Pérez, & Ambrona, 2013 [12] Cassels TG, Chan S, Chung W, Birch SAJ. The role of culture in affective empathy: cultural and bicultural differences. Journal of Cognition and Culture 2010; 10: 3-4. [13] Grusec JE. Socialization processes in the family: social and emotional development. Annual Review of Psychology 2010; 62: 243-69. [14] Davidov M, Grusec JE. Untangling the links of parental responsiveness to distress and warmth to child outcomes. Child Development 2006; 77: 44-58. [15] Mangels JA, Good C, Whiteman RC, Maniscalco B, Dweck CS. Emotion blocks the path to learning under stereotype threat. Social Cognitive & Affective Neuroscience 2011; doi: 10.1093/scan/nsq100.
I think I know now why my husband is so detached, so unempathic with others. He had horrible tantrums as a child and I’ve seen his mom in action with my own kids, isolating them with time outs and telling me ‘they’re playing the game’ with their tantrums. This explains so much. Thank you! I’ll keep trying. Your site has been such a great resource to me and I’ve seen a difference already with my kids when I reach out instead of pull back when they’re upset.
I love this! So well said and explains exactly what I do at home. We rarely have tantrums. Sometimes an upset child, but everyone gets upset. Try taking a phone out of a friends hands while they are playing with it and watch them throw a tantrum! We can all do it and adults want a hug while not expecting the hugger to change the situation. It’s no different for kids.
I love this article, wonderful as always 🙂
I have one question though, you say “As an important aside, I acknowledge this method would likely work for children with certain disorders…” I was just wondering if you could elaborate on that? ie how you came to this, what you mean by “work”, and which disorders you are referring to? Maybe I am misunderstanding but I found that alarming.
Thank you for your article and in advance of your reply
Hi Petra,
I’m referring specifically to behavioural interventions with children with Autism or ASDs. My reading of the research is that the experience of a tantrum can be very different and behaviourist techniques help these children in the long-term. I think it’s fair to question if they are still “good” for any population, but I would be remiss not to mention that the extensive literature on children with autism would suggest these methods work in ways that don’t hold for typically-developing populations. It’s similar to the reward chart issue – not effective or helpful with neurotypical kids, but can be highly helpful for neuroatypical kids.
Does that help?
Tracy
Thank you that helps my understanding yes, but not my alarm 😛
As an autistic individual myself I would encourage people to look at other reasons why these techniques appear to work, as well as anecdotal reports from autistic individuals who have had these techniques used on them… Personally I think it is a case of studies not measuring what they think they are, if that makes sense. As for anecdotal evidence… These techniques feel to most just like what one would expect – being ignored, being unloved or conditionally loved, etc. I honestly don’t believe that it is right to treat any child this way. Regardless of neurotype or how “difficult” they are. In fact, surely autistic children, who are often also what I would call more reactive/sensitive, benefit MORE from this kind of gentle, tailored, responsive parenting (hugs when needed, time alone when needed, a calming tone of voice when needed, and clear explanations always)
I’m rambling I apologise but I honestly personally feel that we shouldn’t be promoting these techniques for any children, no matter how effective they may seem to be… And almost any autistic adult that has experienced similar will tell you they found them nigh on torturous. Sorry if that is very charged language?
It’s interesting that you should mention reward charts however, as I do believe you are right there, and I wasn’t aware of research that showed a difference between autistic and NT children in that 🙂 you learn something new every day
That’s excellent to hear – it jives with what I personally feel, but as the science is one way, it’s hard for me to vocalize that. I actually feel comfortable enough removing that section now 🙂
🙂
Thank you a million thank yous! This has come at the perfect time. My son is throwing some massive tantrums at the moment and I was beginning to feel the pressure and mummy guilt that it was something I was doing wrong. I cannot thank you enough for this article, I feel ready to start a new day with the knowledge and confidence to accept his troubles and deal with them in a way I agree with!
Lucy
Good stuff. This reminds me a great deal of the advice in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. If you haven’t read it, you might like it.
I agree, that book is fantastic! It has saved my sanity, and my relationship with my daughter. As someone who has a very ‘charged’ response to my children crying, I struggle with the premise that parents can set aside their own feelings to help their children (clearly my own upbringing didn’t equip me to cope properly!). Faber and Mazlish also explore ways to respect your own feelings, whilst helping children deal with theirs, it’s great stuff!
As always, a stellar article that will not only help me parent better but help others to do the same. Thank you, Tracy! So grateful to have you as a resource.
Thank you for this article. I have been struggling with tantrums from my 3yr4mo son.
I know he is struggling with “big emotions” as a normal part of development, added to which i am 34 weeks pregnant and daddy is away from home on a 5 week long training course. Your article has given me some concrete strategies to help him come to grips with this stage.
I was wondering if you have any suggestions for strategies i can use in an “emergency” situation? By this i mean when time is an issue. We had a major melt down this morning as we were trying to get out of the house to childcare/work. I just didn’t know what to do!!!
Thanks.
Time is hard. I would recommend discussing the morning chain of events the night before – what’s going to happen, why, and why his cooperation is needed. Say things might get hard, but you need him to cooperate and then you will cooperate with him later.
We are in a 3 day tantrum loop at the moment. Everything sets my 3 (nearly 4) year old daughter off. You can imagine we are both quite worn out and personally i am feeling desperate.
This method works perfectly with my 18 month old son, but it seems to do nothing for my daughter.
We have been working on empathetic parenting since she was 1 1/2…..with some setbacks and accomplishments along the way but we try very hard. The past three days I feel we are sliding more into the ignore method simply out of my own exhaustion with the situation as a whole. I keep reminding myself what to do and why she is throwing tantrums and how to respond, but it is certainly not easy as you say.
My question is: in the example given the child continues to argue even after the boundary is set. “No, you cant watch a movie” and the child continues to argue and ask; even the next day the child continues to ask and argue. Is this not setting up for more problems in the future?
Wouldn’t the ideal be only once or twice to tell them no and they should learn to accept that eventually? Wouldn’t this be reinforcing them to argue because they did not get there way? Being there for them, offering snuggles and not ignoring or giving in I get, but allowing them to keep going? Can you explain that in further detail please?
Well, you could think of it as a negative or see it as you have a child that will fight for what she wants. I think that’s not such a bad trait to have! In fact, as an adult, isn’t it something we often laud?
Depending on the age, I would sit down to negotiate. Find out why it’s so important, and perhaps find a time that the movie can be watched (like on the weekend).
Great read and so nice to read something that is evidence based, thank-you!
Yo are all too funny. Specially the article.
All behaviorism teaches is that reinforcing a behavior makes it more likely that the behavior will continue.
Your recommendations to sit down and empathetically discuss a child’s feelings may have value, but the act of giving the child a pleasant outcome (1-on-1 attention that may delay a task that the child doesn’t want to do) is reinforcement. It doesn’t guarantee that more tantrums are likely, but it increases the odds that there will be more.
Also, conditioning a child to expect individual attention when they throw a tantrum can be very problematic in a school or preschool setting. If other kids see the angry child get special attention, they will learn that a tantrum is a way to get an adult’s attention. This is why ignoring a tantrum is valuable. It teaches groups of children that misbehavior will not result in more attention. The child who is used to empathetic conversations after tantrums at home will expect the teacher to do the same, and often they will escalate their misbehavior until they receive that attention.
Except we know it’s not quite true with children. For example, babies who are responded to when they cry, cry far less over time than babies who are not responded to. In distress, people can react of two ways when faced with behaviourist responses: They can give in and stop the behaviour, without addressing the issues and realities behind the behaviours, paving the way for long-term problems even if in the short-term things look “fine”, OR they can react even more strongly, which many kids do (and is likely linked to temperament).
There really is no good excuse to focus solely on the quick fix. Responding to distress isn’t “conditioning” – it’s what humans are supposed to do. It’s called empathically-related responding. I know we have very little empathy left, but it’s something we should be working on. I find it utterly depressing to read comments like yours which reinforce the problem instead of working towards solutions because of a faulty understanding of how and why children behave as they do.
Very cool (and informative) article. I’ve been bracing myself for the tantrum phase because My oldest son’s was beyond challenging. The one thing that keeps getting repeated amongst the gentle parenting advocates is that tantrums have everything to do with communication, emotion, and brain development. My only question is, if it’s truly an inability to handle emotions because of brain development then why did my oldest only have them with me? I was a working mom at the time and my good friend was his nanny and spent countless hours with him. She and her husband took him everywhere and did everything with him…not one tantrum, ever. He didn’t have them in nursery school either. I didn’t give in and I didn’t ignore but I would often scold him and take away privileges. Spanking was never an option but I never felt 100% with the choices I made.
Luckily that’s relatively easy to answer :). Children will often act out when they feel comfortable with a person. Otherwise, their discomfort or fear inhibits their expression of emotion. Consider it a testament to how comfortable and secure your child felt with you to respond in such a way.
I am a great supporter of RIE but I just can’t get around the fact that all the examples include a one child solution. I am parenting my 3 children, and most of the issues happen when I am solo. That are all young and even my eldest at 7 cannot be rationalized with. How could I ha e handled your bedtime situation of sitting with then when I have two others to handle/ put to bed????
Thanks.
If you’re parenting solo with three it’s a while other kettle of fish in which you may need to set up a safe spot the child can express his/her emotions that doesn’t disturb the other kids as you put them down. Or use the disruption to everyone as part of the after discussion and planning ahead.
If you have a partner, this is the time to divide and conquer. I should mention I have a stepson too (half time and older but still in elementary school) so there are times my husband has had to focus on his needs while I handle the tantrum but I do have my partner around.
Hi Tracy,
I have a question, how do you deal with a tantrum where my toddler is hurting me? He bites me or hits me. How do I tell him that’s wrong empathetically, stay with him and prevent him from continuing to hurt me? Thank you!
Hi Leng,
You can absolutely gently but firmly hold the child’s hands and tell them you won’t let them hurt you or if you need to, walk away for a moment, explaining that you won’t be hurt. And then you have to incorporate this into the discussion later on – so acknowledge the huge feelings that would lead to this and help find alternatives.
Cheers,
Tracy
Thank you so much for this article! You are making many parents better people 🙂 I have a question. After reading this I feel much better equipped to handle a tantrum triggered by me saying “no” to something and my kid facing frustration and disappointment. But what if the tantrum is caused by my KID being the one saying no, and it’s me trying to get them TO do something? Example: tonight we finished a pre bedtime activity with our 4 year old (he was done) and then we notified him it was potty time like usual. He immediately ran away from us and hid in his bed. We said two more times “potty time – please take off pants and undies and sit on the potty” but he kept refusing and running away. We told him if he didn’t we were going to take his pants off for him and make him sit there. This launched a 30 minute tantrum, including sobbing over the fact that he had to do this “every day” and that it is “boring”. Just not sure how to be firm yet empathetic without being physical and causing more distress. We ended up removing his pants and dragging him to the toilet twice (he put his pants back on the first time). It was a horrendous bedtime and he feel asleep still distressed (we sat with him in bed). Not sure what we should’ve done. Thank you if you have an answer for dealing with this kind of issue!
Have you read this piece?
https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/setting-boundaries/
I’m a little confused. I read the article you linked, but like the one above, it deals mainly with setting limits and stopping your kid from doing something they want (e.g. stop watching TV, stop accompanying you to bathroom, etc). My question was how do you get a child to DO something s/he doesn’t want to do and is tantrumming about (versus stopping them from doing something you don’t approve of). It feels like an impossible task, much different from setting a limit and standing your ground. In my case I physically picked up my child and put him on the toilet with him kicking and screaming, when he refused to do his pre bedtime potty routine. This wasn’t ideal! (Especially since he refused to pee…we can’t force that!) Another example would be when a kid refuses to put clothes on for the day and has a meltdown when you try and make them.
Thank you – I value your insights!
[…] Tantrums: Moving Beyond the Black and White of Ignoring or Giving In […]
Hey Tracy, I just read this very insightful posting. I am a 25 year old male and, as a child, I threw tantrums probably 5-6 days a week for years. I would scream at the top of my lungs, cry (for hours..literally) and do anything I could to get my mother attention. My tantrums were always ignored (from what I can remember). I was raised to “not talk back” and to not question anything my mother would say (my mother raised me and my 3 brothers and sisters alone for years).
Now that I am married and trying to build a harmonious relationship, I am finding all kinds of internal issues within myself that I can now relate to the way I was raised. I never realized these faults within myself until now- now that I have to express my emotions with someone who cares and expects that from me. Any time my partner upsets me, even for the slightest thing, I shut down. I cannot find the words to talk even though so much is racing through my mind, so many thoughts. I become flustered. I immediately want to be alone in a room and lay in my bed, in the dark, and not say a word. I have no control over it. I find myself feeling like the little boy I was year ago, alone and wishing I could speak my feelings. The best way to describe it is feeling like a balloon that is about to burst under the pressure of my emotions, but there is no release.
My brother and two sisters have the same issues. They are suffering in their relationship because they do not know how to be strong, confident, speak their emotions, or feel heard. I know my mother wasn’t intentional in her doings, but now we are all suffering the results of her “ignoring” way of parenting. I’m seeing a therapist now and my partner is too. He is learning how to “work” with me when I am in these states of mind that I can’t snap out of. He has learned that the best thing to do when I am feeling “trapped” in my thoughts and can’t speak is to just hold me, tell me he loves me, and not force me to have a conversation in that moment; We can talk about it later….
When we have children, I will not ignore my child. When my child cries or is sad, I will hold him/her and tell them I love them and I understand they are upset. That’s all I ever wanted my mother to do when I was throwing my tantrum. I just didn’t feel that it was ok for me to tell her nor did I know how to express those feelings at the time.
Growing up I had a lot of problems that stemmed from me not being able to speak my emotions…… I would wake up angry, never told anyone what was bothering me.
Now, my older sister has three children that she raises the same way my mother did us. I see the same exact issues with her kids. They are afraid to speak up, they throw tantrums, she ignores them, she yells, they are sad…they are timid when they speak. They are afraid to be judged.
I applaud and thank you for your research and desire to educate others on this topic. The cycle needs to be broken with continued education on this topic.
Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s so important for people to realize that even if we don’t see the effects immediately in childhood, we can see them down the line (and often we don’t see them in childhood because we aren’t looking right). I’m so happy to hear you have such a supportive husband who can help you through this and who is willing to learn to help you. Any child you have will be beyond lucky to have such loving and caring fathers.
xx
Tracy
Great article. I wonder if anyone had any tips for what to do when the child hits you in the course of the tantrum? My son will hit and then say ‘if you don’t do what I want, I’ll hit you again’.
You can hold his hands and tell him you won’t allow him to hit you. You can also tell him that you won’t be hurt by him so if he does it, you will move further away until hea ready for you to be close without hitting. Being there for our children does not mean inviting being hit, though it’s a totally normal response from an angry child.
Such an informative article. My husband and I are trying to deal with daily tantrums from our 3 year old and more recently and surprisingly our 6 year old! Our eldest is exploding in tears and anger at the most trivial of situations, having barely ever had a tantrum before! Sometimes he will breakdown before even asking for something as he knows we will say no and then when he is in floods of tears/angry he refuses any comfort and sometimes says he wants to be on his own or screams that we don’t look at him. Quite often he will go to a room with a mirror and watch himself cry. Now I do think he is tired as he and his little brother have recently started sharing a room and he’s getting woken up at 5am and they regularly start playing. So we are working on letting him get more sleep but I’m struggling to know how to deal with him when having a meltdown as he pushes me away so much. Help!
I don’t have the link handy as I’m on my phone but if you search for “my child wontet me comfort” you will find an article about dealing with this very issue. It’s not an easy time but it’s not inherently a bad thing either. And 6 is a tough time. Lots of changes and Big emotions ?
Hi regarding Melinda’s comment/request, I too followed the link you provided and read the post but cannot relate the setting boundaries and fluidity in boundaries to helping a defiant child. Perhaps if u could provide an example as your examples are especially easy to understand and apply. Or perhaps this will be the topic of an upcoming blog post. Thank you so much.
It’s hard to write a specific post because each child is unique. I would want to know what the child is defiant on, how the defiance manifests, and what the logical consequences are that are in place for children in that specific situation.
Very nice work – thanks for the article.
While trying to deal with the 100 tantrum for the day of my 20 month old sweetheart and thinking on ways how to cope with it I have found this brilliant blog. This particular article reflects really accurately the way i think, but unfortunately it does not give advice on how to cope myself with this indeed hard way of dealing with tantrums. I have never ever taught about ignoring her screams, I just can’t do it, but I’ll admit I do give in from time to time, unfortunately more often than I would like to. You really should write an article about how to deal with our OWN emotions of frustration and anger while helping our children deal with the same thing (and not to feel like a child myself :D) from a psychological point of view, or, in other words learn while helping them learn. And not to drink too much wine before bed… It really is hard and as you said it took you so long to have such a progress with your own child really does not give me much hope (I am not very patient as a person). Parenting really brings out the best of us and the one thing I have found out not long ago is that if you want to be a better parent for your beloved little ones you have to become a better person yourself and deal with many of your flaws…
Thank you for the kind words and here may be an article that is what you’re looking for:
https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/becoming-a-gentle-parent/
[…] https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/tantrums-moving-beyond/ […]
Very interesting analysis of the tantrum situation, and i would like to describe my own case in order to get a second view from someone with more expertise.
Assuming your 2 years child has a tantrum because he cannot wear his pyjamas by himself, and when you offer to help him, he starts screaming even louder.
It’s the end of the day, you need to rest for a few minutes before going to sleep, and your child needs to sleep too.
The “ignore” solution has been tried and it doesn’t work. The child continues screaming as long as he can last.
The “give-in” solution has also been tried, but since the child cannot (practically) wear his pyjamas by himself, this “incapability” makes him even more frustrated.
If i try the “supportive” solution, then this gets worse, especially if i talk to him saying that i understand his problem and i want to help him. It’s like he doesn’t want to hear anything at this point. The more i talk or hug him, the more he screams, pushing me away. And this can last for many minutes (or hours if he can stay awake).
The only solution working has been the “distract” one. Offer something interesting to the child (i.e. let’s read a book, let’s play with this toy) in order to make him forget his frustration. After a few minutes, everything returns to normal.
What is your opinion on this?
Have you read this one?
https://gku.flm.mybluehost.me/evolutionaryparenting.com/my-child-wont-let-me-comfort/
It seems like it might help!
Thanks for posting! One thing that I think is important to point out is that in the beginning stages of a tantrum, the child is too overwhelmed for any kind of interaction. During this stage of the tantrum “ignoring” by sitting calmly and quietly by them not saying anything at all until they reach the later stage, the comfort seeking phase of the tantrum. Then the caregiver should provide the comfort you describe. Understanding the stages of a tantrum is extremely helpful when dealing with them. Thanks again for your post!
What kind of parent allows their child to watch the Aristocrats? Perhaps more disturbing is if this child is a bit older is that you’re nursing them.
I believe I shared the correction that it was Aristocats – the cartoon cat story.
As for nursing, there is nothing disturbing about nursing an older child.
[…] Tantrums: Moving Beyond the Black and White of Ignoring or Giving In […]
I’m staring at my child right now and he is having a tantrum. He is 15 months old and wants to sit on the couch, which is he not allowed to do because it is not a safe place for him (he uses it like a jungle gym). I have calmly and firmly told him “not on the couch. It isn’t safe for you.” Now he is laying on the floors flailing, kicking and screaming. There is nothing to do except ignore him. He is 15 months old, we are working on knowing where his nose is.. so he isn’t going to understand reason, nor will he reach a breakthrough where he tells me he’s “frustrated”. This behavior genuinely needs to be ignored.
Just to counter a bit, you may offer him comfort and stay close to him until he’s willing to accept. Or because he’s so young, you could focus on offering him an alternative to climb on so that he can fulfill the need to move about in that physical way.
I absolutely am always close when my child is tatruming. I want to make sure he is safe and doesn’t hurt himself. We also go to multiple places (playground, in door bounce houses) where is it acceptable and safe for him to climb. But unfortunately he can’t ALWAYS do whatever he likes. Sometimes the answer just has to be “I’m sorry, no climbing right now.” And the tantrum that follows has to be accepted and ignored. Then, when he is ready, I’m happy to do alternative activists with him
I’m curious about your definition of ignoring if you’re close and there for comfort. Because if it’s true ignoring, then you’re only teaching him that you withdraw when he expresses negative emotions. Something as simple as saying, “I’m here when you’re ready” is all that’s really needed – that’s not ignoring, it’s staying there and letting him know you’re there without forcing yourself on him.
And of course he can’t always do what he wants – that was the entire point of the post. You don’t have to give in to still respond 🙂
Great article. I really appreciate the science aspect, as well as the differentiation between personal distress and empathetic concern. I’m definitely struggling against the former in terms of my upbringing and trying to employ more of the latter. My son is 17 months old and still no spoken words, a few signs, but I do think he’s beginning to understand a lot more, so I’m trying to verbalize conflict for him. Problem is that he gets himself very wound up in the emotional tantrum phase, resists being touched/comforted, eventually just shakes his head at any attempts to communicate. It’s heartbreaking. I try to sit next to him and be present with him, but I feel like this doesn’t help. How long should we carry on like this, being “supportive” but also being pushed away? Today was 30 minutes of crying before I put him in the baby carrier and rocked him (almost immediately) to sleep—tantrum happened because he’s against diaper changes atm and we were about to lie down for a nap. Also, while he’s mid-tantrum he periodically signs to nurse, but when I respond he turns away and cries harder. Very hard to feel like I’m helping the situation. Do I just persevere and he’ll ask for me when he’s ready? Or how to we know it’s time for the baby carrier or a walk around the neighborhood? ?
I think waiting really depends on the child and the situation. If you know he’s tired then waiting him out isn’t actually helping him because he’s just on overload. However, if he’s not hungry, tired, or overstimulated, then you know you can probably hold off for a bit and let him come to you.
My mother told me that I have always been a calm and rather silent, obedient child, and I only had thrown a tantrum once. It was in the store, I wanted her to buy me something, and she refused, a tantrum followed, my mother’s solution: she dragged me out of the store and locked me in her car, left me there for 3 hours. Afterwards, I have never tried that again, she said. And I was lead to believe how she mastered the situation. She “fixed” me, alright.. With this and many other actions, she taught me very well that she gives a damn about me, my feelings, my opinions, .. only my performance (and appearance) was the only thing she cared about, and how I represented her. Of course, now I know she is a narcissist. And she screwed me for life. I don’t believe I will ever want children on my own. They are like aliens for me.
Anyway, there was another interesting point in your post, I have never made a connection to: the empathic distress and concern. My mother’s inability for acknowlenge and comfort me in my emotional distress might have made me effectively unable to express empathy, even though I feel others’ distress and, in fact absorb it as a sponge. I simply only feel devastated, and in the same time, absolutely unable to help, I don’t know how, and this all just scare a hell out of me, and I feel guilty.
Thank you very much for an enlightening article and research!
I’m so sorry 🙁 That’s awful and I truly hope that you are able to work through this with appropriate help. It’s no way to have to live and I do believe there are techniques that could help.
What are your thoughts on dealing with a tantrum when the reason they’re upset is that I had to set a boundary around ME? If I truly have to attend to something else and cannot cuddle and play with them that moment. I know they wanted it and craved it, and deserved it, but life happens, and as it turns out I have to set a boundary around ME sometimes. Her tantrum was over MY connection, so being with her during it seems counterproductive since I needed her to accept the boundary of not getting ME at that moment. It’s happened with cooking dinner before and other things.. Don’t worry – she and I connect plenty but of course sometimes it’s so nice she just wants MORE. What makes it worse is that staying with her while she tantrums is awful because she lashes out verbally and sometimes even physically.. but if I’m NOT in the room she will calm down sooner. It seems like my physical presences especially if I’m the one who set a boundary that made her angry actually triggers her WAY more than if I just give her space and time. I don’t know.. I think about even when I’ve had a few adult “tantrums” .. I don’t want even my most favorite person (my husband) to be sitting and watching me while I am acting completely primal. I need space. If I’m just slightly emotional or upset I’d welcome his embrace and affection, but if I’m in full-fledge meltdown then I want to be alone or else I end up angry/upset AND ashamed/embarrassed and it makes it worse… just food for thought… what are your thoughts??