Dear Man on the Beach,
I don’t know who you are or where you are from, but our paths crossed recently and it has stirred in me a desire to try and reach out to you or someone like you. Me, I was happily starting a vacation with my family in Ko Olani in Hawaii. I was on the beach by the lagoon at our hotel (Aulani) with my infant son in my arms as my daughter and husband were off at the rocks looking out at a beautiful sunset whilst she climbed said rocks. I was meandering, just enjoying the heat, the fading sun, and my beautiful boy when I hear you and your partner and daughter coming up the path.
Your daughter – who I guess was around 2 or 3 – was upset. Clearly she did not want to be going back to the hotel (yes, you were headed to the same hotel as I based on the path you were on). She was having some rather big feelings about the matter and was clear in her words she had wanted to stay and play in the sand. Not angry feelings, but sad feelings. When I first heard her, I felt a sense of empathy and kinship with you – it’s so very hard to take our children away from something they love, but sometimes it must be done and so with love and care we do it. You were now even with me as I walked a few feet from you to the side. Then I heard it before my mind registered what I saw.
That sound of skin hitting skin. Not soft like a kiss. Not quiet like a hug. The slapping sound that comes when someone has been struck. Hard enough to echo in the outside air. My brain then put together what I had seen – your hand quickly reaching out to your daughter – and what I had heard – that slapping sound followed by a rather angry, “Don’t you cry”. I froze for a moment and realized a moment later I was holding my own son as if I had to protect him from you. I kept walking, words and indignation starting to form in my mind and mouth. You turned on your partner who was now holding a little girl even more vocal and scared and said, “This wouldn’t happen if you’d just spank her every time she said ‘no’!”
Now I really had things to say, but I didn’t. Not because I didn’t think it was my business – the moment you strike your child in public you have made it my business – but rather because I felt fear for my own son. The anger in your voice towards your child and partner told something in my brain to stay away. As a mother, I respected that. I felt I was justified a few moments later when we caught eyes. I have been told I would be a horrible poker player as my emotions are clearly visible on my face at all times and so you must have seen the horror and disgust written all over me. At least, I tell myself that to justify the look you gave me. The look that told me with certainty that I could not step up without risking my own child.
And my heart broke even more for yours.
So here is what I want to say. Not just to you, but anyone who feels the same as you in moments of stress and difficulty with their own children.
You don’t have to strike your child to raise a responsible and caring individual. You really don’t.
I’m not joking. And I have a lot of science on my side. The first thing you need to realize is that these big emotions your daughter feels are real. She is in emotional overload and she can’t control it, not the way you imagine. Her prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain that is in charge of inhibition – is totally, utterly immature. Just check out this picture of the brain of a 5-year-old to see what I mean:
This lack of inhibition means that it’s nearly impossible for her to control herself when her emotions get too much. Now I know you’re probably asking why after a spanking she seems able to “control” herself and I want to reassure you it’s not because she’s learned inhibition, it’s that the fear from being punished in such a way has short-circuited her brain in a sense and resulted in a ‘fight or flight’ response (namely flight). This is not healthy. This is not the way you want her brain to develop even if it does help in the short term because you are setting her up for an unhealthy response to stress and fear for the remainder of her life.
The second thing I want to discuss is this idea that she has to learn she can’t say “no” to you. Let me ask you: What kind of teenager or adult do you want your little girl to grow up to be? I ask because the little girl who learns she can never say no becomes the teenager who doesn’t say no to her friends/boyfriend who becomes the adult who can’t say no. The funny thing is, while she struggles with no with others, she’ll either become quite adept at “no” to you or lie to your face to avoid saying “no”, opening up so many more problems than you’re facing right now.
What’s hardest about parenting young children is that the grown-ups we want them to become are very different than the children we want to raise. Life is easier when our young children are docile and obedient. Life is much harder when our teenagers or grown children are such because it is never to us that they are then exhibiting such traits. As such, we need to parent our children as we want them to be in the future, not just in the now. As the parent of a very strong-willed 5-year-old, I can feel the frustration that comes with that type of parenting, but I also feel the immense pride and joy at watching her grow into this amazingly independent, critically thinking, moral child. These traits are not possible when your child is not allowed to express emotion or disagreement that all children feel.
It’s important to note here that allowing your child to express these emotions is not tantamount to allowing them to do whatever they want. You still need to leave the beach. You still need to turn the TV off and go to bed. You still need to eat healthy food. These things – and much more – are essential for our children’s well-being and we, as parents, need to be aware of that.
But it doesn’t mean we get to dismiss their emotions about it all in the process.
Enforcing boundaries and rules is our job as parents. Dismissing or negating our children’s emotions is not. In fact, it’s antithetical to our job. I hope you can learn to give your daughter space to express and experience these big emotions without feeling threatened by them (after all, what else is the type of anger I saw but a reaction to threat?). Hug her, tell her you understand, and then reinforce why the boundary or rule is there. She doesn’t have to be happy about everything that has to happen, just as I’m sure you aren’t happy about the many things us adults have to do (like, say, pay taxes). Learning to experience an emotion without having it rule us is a lesson we all need to learn – parents and children alike. Right now it seems it’s something you both have to work on.
Despite my reaction to what I witnessed, I wish you the best of luck for the well-being of your daughter, your partner, and yourself.
Sincerely,
Tracy
p.s. If you find yourself struggling with tantrums, you can check out these pieces I’ve written on them which respects the boundaries parents need to set with the big feelings children need to experience.
Beautifully said, feel so sad for all the kids whose parents haven’t taken on board all the scientific evidence available to them nowadays. So much of it comes from doing what was done to them and what their peers expect them to do…a cycle of being fearful of saying no!!
Wonderfully worded, showing respect and empathy for both the child as for the adult who is struggling with what he does, yet, not understand.
[…] this is what I wanted to say to you and all those who feel that is the only option they have: Dear Man on the Beach | Evolutionary Parenting | Where History And Science Meet Parenting. Op basis van gedegen onderzoek vertelt ze waarom die klap averecht werkt en waarom het benadrukken […]
Good on you Tracy. I feel your passion and agree 100%. It’s so difficult that so many parents just aren’t aware of the consequences of their actions. If the father hasn’t read this I hope the mother may – she needs to stand up for her little girl and change the parenting approach ASAP. Seeing the visual of the developing brain was fascinating too. Thanks again.
I have read your article and the research, attended workshops on tantrums and alternative ways to discipline your children. Here is what I say to you: I believe in spankings. Sorry, I have seen the result of no spankings and a child being able to express their opinions and say I do not feel like talking to you leave me alone, and not doing their chores. She is a 12 year old African American who will learn the hard way that life is not fair and you cannot keep a job acting in such a way. Since she is not my child I wish her the best of luck. My child knows tha if she bites me I will bite her back, pinch me I will punch you back, count to 5 I will get time out, and if all else fears mommy will spank my thigh. I love her but I also know that the social and justice system is set up for her to fail so yes be afraid, be observant, be smart! Sorry our reality.
[…] this is what I wanted to say to you and all those who feel that is the only option they have: Dear Man on the Beach | Evolutionary Parenting | Where History And Science Meet Parenting. Op basis van gedegen onderzoek vertelt ze waarom die klap averecht werkt en waarom het benadrukken […]
hahahahaha a very normal situation she made it sound like a dramatic novel! People like is why the U.S is in its current situation. Thank God Trump won. I don’t care your PhD you still an over dramatic, sissy liberal. Beat your kids if you love them, they will never hate you back, it is called discipline and it worked for several hundreds of years and the most successful scientist and artist were beaten by their parents. It is the fault of people like that that nowadays kids instead of acknowledge discipline and responsibilities they are looking to “sue” schools because of homework. How pathetic is the word of liberals. Screw you and keep crying, Trump is here to save the world.
John did you even read this? She cites all of the scientific research around this topic…
Whereas you just spout a load of random “facts” (actually your opinions) with no basis in any science, and then strangely assert that Trump has somehow got something to do with all this. Is he going to make it compulsory to spank your kids?!
I am actually wondering if you’re just a troll because I can’t believe the level of stupid in your post.
This is a beautiful piece. Thank you so much for sharing. I had a similar episode happening in ASDA one day…and it’s not a nice thing to witness. :'(
It really isn’t. I do hope next time I’m in a position to intervene on behalf of the child 🙁
While I am not against *every* instance of spanking, I have to say that I have witnessed FAR TOO MANY PARENTS basically abusing their authority and hitting their kids for – as you have said – being kids.
Whem I was a little kid, I did something really naughty, something I *KNEW* I should not be doing, which resulted in my mother being physically hurt and humiliated. She took me out of the room and gave me the biggest wholloping of my life. And I don’t hold it against her, not one bit, because I knew even then that it was warranted. But I also remember her talking sternly when that was warranted, and wiping tears off my nose when that was warranted.
A child expressing disappointment because she has to leave an enjoyable situation simply does not warrant actually being hit. If she’s not being violent, why respond with violence? Just explain the situation and move on.
It annoys me how people of parenting age expect children to be adults while they themselves are not adults – reacting to every damn little thing with unchecked emotion LIKE A CHILD. The way I see it, phyical discipline is basically a weapon. Some parents are carrying it fully loaded at all times, and make use of it at the slightest provocation. If I gave you a list if the things I have seen children being beaten for, you would probably burst out crying.
There was a woman in international news who killed her son because he was a gangster who was murdering and terrorising a whole community, and she knew that the law was not about catching him. He was a violent killer, and she physically disciplined him to death. The punishment was in the same category as the crime. It’s hilarious that the parents who object to her actions the most are the same ones who physically shut their children up for saying, “this is how I feel”.